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161 | Before suggesting breaking up, hear me out. I’ve been in this relationship for a couple of years and it is truly making me lose myself. I care too much, admittedly sometimes about very small and stupid things. We will fight about these small things constantly. I also care too much about seeing him whenever I can because we are long distance. I want to live for myself and not for this relationship as I feel like I’ve grown to be very codependent on him when he just prefers to be alone. I do have a few hobbies but I will still pick him over everything. I want to stop caring and stop chasing someone who is running away from me. So how do I start caring less about someone I love more than anything while having the complete intention of staying with them. | Do you have girlfriends? Set times to hang out with them and try to stay off your phone / create space between you and your BF. Another way to do that is by doing your hobbies. Remind yourself you need independence. It makes you a better, more interesting partner. And, if things go south, it leaves you with a community to lean back on. You’re young and love feels soooo intense so don’t beat yourself up- it’s normal to be a bit obsessive at your age. | Stop arguing over small things. if you are arguing & are long distance this is a problem. You can care for someone, doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship. Start doing your things, you are the one choosing to not do them. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
171 | I am sorry ahead for some mistakes, English is not my first language.
I (21F) have been dating my boyfriend (21M) for 3 years. Over the past year, he has made 2 new female friends at his school. They would hang out after class and go for a lunch together (sometimes also with my BF's male friend as a group) and all four of them would also go out for drinks. Last week one of the girls wrote him and they spent half a day hanging out together and are planning a next meeting in July. (important info: she has a BF).
Despite this, I admit I am feeling jealous and it is putting a strain on our relationship (I am aware that this is my issue that I have to work on). I suggested to him that I would like to meet them, as I know it would ease my problem once I get to know them (also told him that). He was very hesitant, stating:
1. He doesn't know how to introduce me so it doesn't look forceful and awkward (his own words)
2. He doesn't view them as close friends/best friends yet, so he doesn't consider it necessary to introduce me.
Beside this issue, BF is very open and honest about everything and his friends know about me.
I would like to know your opinion on this situation, whether I am just overly jealous or I am in the right to feel unhappy about his stance on this matter. | I get where both of you are coming from, him drawing a boundary with school connections is reasonable.
I think a fair compromise is that next time the group has drinks, you can drop in for a drink at some point, that allows him to introduce you in a casual way and leave together. That isn't overly intrusive, but it does let you see who he is hanging out with and also shows the group he is dating. | >Last week one of the girls wrote him and they spent half a day hanging out together
So they went on a date?
>They would hang out after class and go for a lunch together (sometimes **also with my BF's male friend** as a group) and all four of them would also go out for drinks.
>He doesn't know how to introduce me so it doesn't look forceful and awkward (his own words)
This is how you learn that your boyfriend doesn't also think of you as a friend. If he's hanging out with these two girls there is nothing forced or awkward about him inviting his girlfriend to join. just like he can invite his male friend to join.
Unless it's a double date, then of course, you would be in the way.
But my advice is don't try and change his mind because he's already decided and you would be wasting your breath. Instead respect how unhappy the situation is making you and decide what you want to do about it.
Like for example you could say "I'm really unhappy in this situation where you've made these friends that you can hang out with all day, that you are comfortable bringing your male friend along to meet but when I want to meet them it's forced and you can't figure out how to make that happen. It's just too complicated a situation. It's only complicated if there are romantic feelings between you and one of those girls. But I'm not going to try and change your mind. Because I don't want to date a guy who can't figure out how to include me in his life and friendships. Especially after 3 years together. There are obviously things you are trying to explore so you should be free to do that so that I don't have to sit here and feel like my boyfriend is cheating on me."
And that is how you free yourself of this whole situation. Give him back his shit and get yours from him and then you heal and move on to someone who has respect for you and behaves in a more trustworthy manner. | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
172 | My fiance and I have been together for four years. When we first got together we had sex & did sexual activities all the time. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Last October we got busy renovating our new home and working all the time that we weren’t as active. We moved in together in March of this year and I was so happy to get back to being a lot more active. Living alone you have all the time and freedom to do it WHENEVER WHEREVER. We never do tho. It’ll go 2-3 weeks without anything. No making out. No touching each other sexually. The only time we do is if he’s in the mood. I’m always in the mood. I crave it. I have tried everything. I buy lingerie. I walk around naked. I ask. I beg. I’ve talked about it to him countless times. Cried to him. I’m so lost on what to do? What is the problem? What else can I do? I’ve asked if there’s something else and he swears there’s not. I know where he is and he’s not one to go out. He likes to do everything with me. He’s not sneaky and im always able to check his phone if I ask but I have never ever felt the need to. This is so upsetting. I don’t want our relationship to be like this forever. I love sex and the closeness. No matter how much I say it upsets me he just says “sorry”. I need advice. Someone who can understand. Anything. | 6 months ago you posted about spicing up your sex life, did you ever do that? If so, do you think maybe you went too far and it's turned him off? | Get a new fiance. | Commentator's opinion | Sarcasm | Comment 1 | part 3 |
176 | This is going to be a silly post but yesterday I got my first haircut in ~15 years. I’m a 27 year old guy and I’ve always been known for having really long hair and my hairstyle was honestly perfect for me— but I wanted to try something new out and so I took the risk and cut my hair.
… big mistake and I went from hot to very very average. I’m going to take some time to focus on myself and just let my hair grow back out, but this honestly might be a good thing for my dating life? Maybe?
I feel like dating as an attractive person is people seeing you (and making wild assumptions) more than actually getting to know you and this is going to sound extremely shallow, but I always see average looking people in relationships. The hot people that I know are all single or struggling to really find the right person. I’m not sure if that’s because there’s more options and so it’s a lot more weeding involved in dating.
Maybe being average allows you to have one extremely compatible option that you see eye-to-eye with instead of several people that meet you and think they can do better or that you’re too good. Plus you don’t get immediately sexualized.
I’m not sure, I’m kinda just typing and trying not too sound too shallow or crazy.
But do you guys think that average people have an easier time dating than conventionally attractive people?
| As someone who’s been both average (or worse) and well above average, I promise you it’s much easier when you’re attractive. Having a lot of people interested in you and then having to weed through to get the right ones is a much better situation than having hardly anyone interested at all. | Dating is three things. Physical attraction, shared goals, and actually getting along with each other.
Yes, there's such a thing as being pursued by people who don't actually like you because they think you're very physically attractive and don't care about anything else and it can be a practical problem. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
178 | Am I bad person? I 24M have fancied this girl, 23 F, for a very long time. She has been with her boyfriend 29M for 5 years. We have a massive friendship group and I have never had a convo longer than 5 minutes and would never meet up together. she has been unhappy for the past 2 years and he doesn’t treat her right. He kicked her out of his house (lives with his family) on Friday because she refused to give him a blowjob as forgiveness for going to a party the weekend before. She is treated like shit by most of the household and She has no other home and is a vulnerable girl who’s lost and feels unloved. She rang me and asked if she could stay at mine and I said yes, I wasn’t intending on anything happening was just looking after her. We ended up sleeping together and I’m just really confused on what to do. They’ve broken up now, but I’m worried about what to do next as the group can be very bitchy and it’s already raised suspicions and is being gossiped about. I really like her and I know I could treat her better than him. Should I carry on seeing her? Or am I just a massive prick? | NAS Syndrome you bought her pitty story…soon she will say the same about you to another dude she’ll cheat on you with | Congratulations OP you are a scumbag.
But don't worry there are plenty of us out here and if you put in some effort you can become a reformed former scumbag.
Don't stick your dick in taken women. It's easy. | Commentator's opinion | Hurtful | Comment 2 | part 3 |
183 | TLDR: I slept with the sister of my close friend's wife before I've met my girlfriend and she can't accept it. It looks like we are gonna break up due to this problem. Do you know what would help in this situation?
As you might have guessed from the title, I slept with the sister of a close friend's wife. This close friend and I consider each other cousins, but it's important to note that we are NOT blood relatives.
The girl I slept with is rather promiscuous, not very smart, and definitely not a catch. When this happened, I didn't have much confidence and didn't consider myself much of a ladies' man.
I slept with her years before I met my girlfriend, but this really bothers her. We are together for 2 years, but now it looks like it might be over. She doesn't have much confidence and feels like I don't care about the type of girl I'm with. She doesn't believe that I wouldn't just sleep with anyone who comes my way anymore.
Of course, this isn't true, and I only desire my girlfriend. However, she can't seem to believe it. Whenever we have sex, she always thinks about what I did in the past, and it completely kills her mood. But I think this only happens after she orgasms because she always does. I suppose she wouldn't be able to if she were dwelling on it.
It's been an issue for over a year now, and unfortunately, it seems like we've said our final goodbyes. But I still have hope. I love her very much and am deeply attached to her. Today she told me she needs an assertive man. Well, because of our problem, I haven't been able to provide that for her lately.
I feel that if she had more confidence, this wouldn't be a problem, but of course, I can't be sure. Maybe that's not the case. What would you do in my situation? Do you have any ideas on how to overcome this problem? Do you think this can be fixed somehow? | Jesus dude did u have to drag the girl here for no reason? None of that was necessary to the story yet u still felt the need to attack? The fuck. | Ok how did she rind this out? Usually talking about past relationships and/or sexual partners is a no no in current relationships. Besides I don't see what the big deal is as most people will have a sexual past. That seems odd. | Hurtful | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
184 | I wanted to know if anyone on this sub has had experiences dating with HSV2 and how was it?
If not would you consider dating someone with HSV2?
If your not educated on the topic here’s a pdf:
https://www.herpes.org.nz/application/files/2116/7988/2733/STIEF_leaflet_-_Herpes_Myth_vs_Facts_2023_-_single_page.pdf
| Nope i would never. | There is a OLD site called positive singles for people with Herpes and even HIV to date other positive people if you are concerned about any stigma or spreading the condition. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
186 | i have absolutely no idea how to talk to ppl, let alone a girl i like. what do i say to her after she added me back cuz i cant think of anything to talk about | Wait for her to post a story and then slide up saying something about it. Or just be a man and message her. | Either be genuine or don't even attempt to talk | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
187 | i absolutely adore and love this guy so much, we’re not officially in a relationship yet but we both say i love you and are loving with one another.
however i find myself having severe anxiety around him, i have social anxiety disorder, so maybe that’s it. but i hear a lot of people say that your body will tell you when someone ISN’T right for you. you’ll get stomach pain, break out, not get sleep, and your appetite will decrease.
i am hardly eating now, i get diarrhea a lot just from sheer anxiety, i’m breaking out, i can hardly sleep, and i have terrible stomach pain. he’s truly so wonderful and caring, extremely respectful and the whole nine yards, but with the way i feel i’m concerned it’s my body telling me he’s not right for me.
consequently when you’re with the right person you’ll be getting sleep, you’ll glow, your color will come back, etc.
what do we think? | It sounds like you just plain have anxiety/ocd issues and no relationship is going to fix that. If anything a relationship will make you MORE nervous lol. | There's a lot of nuance to this, from what you're saying it doesn't seem like *he* is the cause of your anxiety and consequent problems (insomnia, diarrhea etc.), do you feel anxious when you're around him? | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
190 | I'm a friggin clean slate. I know NOTHING. I barely even have friends that aren't dudes. I need help getting started. I grew up in an household where emphasis was 1000% on school. safe to say, i "wasted" my time in uni in this regard where most date around and figure out what they want/need. I'm not a devoid of human contact per se, I'm still close with many of my friends, but I feel like theres a different kind of companionship shared with a significant other that I've i've never experienced, but I feel like I am missing in my life.
looking for some advice from my fellow average dudes who had to get after it to find someone.
questions i have are:
1. how to get into the dating scene
2. what are some/kind of places and activities that are conducive to finding potential dates
3. if i find a girl im potentially interested in, how do you approach without being creepy
4. how/when do you ask a girl out
5. whats the difference between dating and relationship
6. what're realistic expectations of dating and relationships
7. do I do the apps? i heard they suck
8. am i just approaching this all wrong
apologies if these sound like stupid highschool questions. I literally dont know anything.
About me:
28M
Straight
reasonably athletic
average in every way minus height (5'5, 165cm) certified 5/10
North American
Pretty introverted until playing sports
mega homebody
white collar desk job, very little opportunities to go out and meet others
dont drink, party, or club. not my scene
im the broiest bro to ever bro
TL;DR average asian dude has never gone on a date and wants not end life being literally forever alone | Downside is that the dating market is pretty brutal right now. Many women are dating/screwing like Harvey Weinstein these days. We shot past the goal of equality and went straight into reverse toxic masculinity. If you're just getting started, the first thing to figure out is what your goal in having relationships is going to be and then not to date anyone that has a different goal. Better to be single than to get laid by a girl who's going to use you and then abandon you after you fall in love with her. | Try a matchmaker | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
193 | i (25f) have been dating a guy (25m) for 7 months consistently. 2 nights ago (saturday) we had plans to see each other but he got off work later than anticipated so we decided to wait until the following day. he told me he’d call me before bed. he never called me and i called him a few times and he never replied which was weird. he texted me yesterday morning (sunday) saying that he had just fallen asleep etc. later in the afternoon yesterday (sunday), we were out and i noticed a small spot on his neck that looked like a hickey. he denied it being a hickey but i kept pushing him and he eventually told me that he had slept with someone else, the night before (saturday). my entire world shattered in that moment and i was inconsolable.
we have spent nearly every single day together for the last 7 months. his justification was that he’d rather “get it out of his system now” because he “wants to be with me long term”. i don’t even know what to say. i am crushed. i have been crying to the point where i can’t breathe for the last 12 hours. he keeps telling me how he “likes me so much and wants a serious future with me hence why he did this now before things continue to progress”, but that’s BS to me. we have already invested 7 months into one another. i can’t even fathom him inviting another girl over and having sex with her while i laid in bed calling him just bc i wanted to hear his voice before i fell asleep. i am crushed. genuinely, i have never felt so much emotional pain in my life.
i keep picturing him inside her and i can’t eat, i can’t sleep, i can’t focus, i cannot stop crying. he shattered my heart. my question is, how do i move forward? how do i make sense of his “justification” for sleeping with someone 7 months into our relationship? he knows i have a history of being cheated on twice prior and this just feels like the biggest betrayal of them all. the mental imagine of him making love to another woman in the bed he’s held me in for 7 months has me in sheer agony. i feel beyond broken. | Beautiful girl. I have been in this place. As hard as it is, when you have your strength back, it might take you days/weeks but I hope you leave this man. If he can do this now, it won't get better, although he will say it will. If he loved you enough we wouldn't risk losing you to get something out of his system. In fact he wouldn't need that at all. These men never learn esp when girls stay and basically allow them to get away with this behaviour and or excuses. Take the time you need though, you may not be able to do this right now and that's ok. At the moment it's just grieving and survival. Do you have friends you can lean on? Thinking of you x | I won’t wish being cheated on, on my worst enemy. Its absolute bs that he wanted to get it out of his system. The relationship is new. Sex between you two should be the most desirable.
He knows your history of being cheated on. Unfortunately, you met a douche that took what you shared with him as a blue print. Some guys see what you been through as something you will tolerate.
You have to draw the line and end it. Do not allow it. Cheating has no justification and very rarely do relationships make it after infidelity. | Emotional Support | Emotional Support | Comment 1 | part 3 |
194 | I'm (26M) very new to dating. I never dated or have ever been in a relationship just due to me being very introverted and extremely shy growing up, but I've recently starting growing out of that shell more and I've made a few dating app profiles to get started. I'm just wondering if it's something I should be straight forward about to possible matches, and if it might be something that might be a red flag or just a turn off in general. | You don't openly tell anyone. If they ask then maybe you can tell them. Women may judge and will consider it a red flag and a turn off more so then if the roles were flipped. Just have to find someone whose understanding, doesn't care, and/or in the same boat | No, you shouldn't do that.
It would be comparable to you approaching a woman, and immediately (right when you first ever talk to her) apologize e.g. for being shy, or for not being eloquent, or for being quite nervous, or for daring to be in her presence.
All of that comes out of a bad mindset, that apologetic, fear-fueled, pleasing-mode mindset. Any woman with half a brain, and also any man with half a brain, will understand quite well, that in these times many, many men are not only vastly less experienced than most women (of the same age but also more mature and older men), but often have zero experience.
And, yes, women, by and large, prefer men with experienced because women don't like to take the lead in seduction. Most of them don't want to that, don't like to do that, fear doing that even more than you and also find it considerably more exciting if and when the man does that.
But, experience isn't as important as the will to take action. Balls are considerably more potent in such contexts as having experience. Experience alone will not be enough for any random mean that already fucked 5 girls to approach this one girl he likes or to make a move on the dates. He might have a bit easier time to find his balls because he knows he already had balls in the past most likely.
But, it is the will to take action that is the most decisive varible. Explaining what you believe you're lacking in to 'apologize' (for what, eh?) or to generate empathy on the side of the woman is all weak. You don't wanna do that.
All this BS you might have heard about men opening up,being vulnearable, showing their feelings and emotions is all shit.
Women like it when a man can be strong, has balls, can take initiative. And, lucky for you, possibly 75 % of women do not require you to be ultra smooth, ultra confident, ultra experienced. But, what 99,9 % of woman want, is that a guy isn't a complete coward with zero balls.
Doesn't matter that you have zero experience. Ask her if you can kiss her in a good moment after maybe 1 or 2 dates.
Never later. Asking is not that good, but still vastly better than doing nothing, and it can work with quite a few women. Once you kissed a few girls or one girl for a longer time, a few dates and you then meet alone, it's gonna lead to sex. Once you experience that a few times, you already have experience. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
195 | So my partner isn't happy the fact that I would lie about eating unhealthy or when I am at a low I drink and then not tell her the truth when she asks. She said if I can lie about this then I can lie about everything else. Tho I said there a morals and bottom lines about these as I am not an alcoholic or anything, I hide it because I don't want to disappoint her or for her to tell me I am weak or I am an emotional eater. However she took it very seriously. So I am hoping if you guys can give me some advice about this situation. | She’s right.
Why are you lying at all?
If you plan to be unhealthy then own it. Let her decide if she wants that. Be honest with yourself.
Your word either means something or it does not. | I mean yea it's not crazy to think that if ur going to lie about little things ull have no issue lying about big things. Also healthy ppl don't hide drinking or eating | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
196 | I (F, 28) and Husband (M,25) have been together 4 years and don't know what the problem is. I just get completely disgusted when we kiss, touch, have sex. This has been going on for about 2 years. We have been together for 4. When we first got together, it was like rabbits. For the last 2 years, I don't like the feeling of sex itself, I don't like even being touches. It's gotten worse recently. It's crazy because romantically I find him intoxicating. I love him so much for who he is, but I'm not equally attracted to him sexually, i think. I don't know if it's him specifically or sex in general. I went to the doctor about it. I've only had sex with one other person and the feeling was similar. My doctor suggested porn together and masturbation but it didn't really work. Any suggestions or thoughts? | First, find a new doctor. Then find out if you have a hormonal imbalance. This happened to me, and we worked through it with medication and therapy. I am still not interested in sex a lot, but once we start with the foreplay, I can warm to it, and we are intimate weekly. | What doctor suggests porn as a solution lol
Don't listen to that doctor because this doesn't seem to be a constructive advice and I don't think it has any medical backing either. You probably don't like sex because of a hormonal imbalance. Get your estrogen and progesterone levels checked. | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
200 | Recently, I met a girl who will hang out talk to each other go places together, hold hands with kiss and we hang on during the night because apparently she's busy with her friends most of the time I ask her out to hang out every time I try to ask her to hang out. She says that she has plans with her friends, so does that mean I'm a back up guy someone she could use for companionship because she has no one to talk to about her feelings apparently she text me recently that she misses me and she wants to see me have supposed to hang out Friday to go on a date, but she canceled Last minute because she was sick from her stomach for my bullshit because the day before she went to a friend she hasn't seen came into town so yeah what do you guys think? Just think I'm getting used or use as a back up guy because I feel like if she only wants to hang out during the night or during the day she probably embarrass me because she might be in a relationship with someone because I don't think I'm bad looking I'm sick too. I go to the gym. I work out I play for.
I'm pretty funny most people said and I'm pretty cool to hang out. What are you guys think? I'm being used or not | How long have you been dating with this girl? I do think it’s kind of a red flag that she hasn’t just included you in her plans with her friends.
When my boyfriend and I started dating, I wanted to see him as much as possible. sometimes I had plans with my friends and instead of standing him up, I asked my friends if it was okay if he came.
Being the hidden boyfriend/guy she’s dating isn’t the ideal situation. If she’s holding your hand in privet, she should be holding it in public too. | You should communicate with her then! It’s not cool at all that she’s doing this to you time and time again. If she’s truly interested in you then she would make the time when it’s convenient for both of you. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
203 | You can scroll through my previous post about the history of my father but a quick rundown. Since I was young he used to show me this woman and do a shh motion to indicate I shouldn’t tell my mom. They ended up getting a divorce and towards the end of my parents marriage he wasn’t even trying to hide it anymore. She was the other woman. He brought her over to our country and started a life with her. She’s defo younger but not sure by how much. Anyways. My brother M22 was raised quite oblivious to why our parents marriage ended. Hes always been protected in that sense. In life in general tbh.
Meanwhile from young I got exposed early to porn, my father’s affair and PTSD from loud noises of my parents arguing. Life was never stable for me since.
Anyways fast forward to today. The dust has settled a little bit since all that stuff went down. Till I went to visit my father. I saw her stomach swollen up and he told me he had news. My heart just sank and it felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. He saw my blank look and started frowning and provoked me to answer. I told him about my concerns that he’s getting old, and needs to be more careful but more about the fact that I feel like this child is his way of getting revenge on “his old life” whenever he sees us I know he’s reminded of his failed marriage, and this is his way out. I told him that we barely have a functional relationship as it is and now he wants to bring a new kid into the world, it’s a recipe for neglect.
Even as well when it comes to things like money and child support cos I have a younger sister too, he’s very inconsistent with that and it’s always a problem for him, now a whole child??? We’re never gonna see a penny. As if it already wasn’t hard enough. I don’t see him very often cos life gets in the way and college. But idk maybe I’m being spiteful. The other woman said to me “what do you want me to do remove it?”
I’m currently sat in my brothers car busting into tears and not sure what to do, how can I make my father see it from my point of view? | Here's what you do- double down on being an adult. Study, earn money, be sure your sister has what she needs as best you can, and live your best life.
Set some healthy boundaries so you can thrive. You know exactly who your dad is. Move on and heal. | Unfortunately, you can’t control other people. There’s no way to make him see things from your perspective. I know that sucks. I had a freakishly similar experience to yours. Over the years reading many many self help books and several therapists later, I’ve come to understand that I just have to accept it. Easier said than done, but not impossible. Some people are just shitty, and some of those shitty people just happen to be our family members. Sending hugs ♥️ | Practical Advice | Emotional Support | Comment 1 | part 3 |
204 | My girlfriend and I are in a huge fight right now.
We've been together for two years and love each other but keep fighting over little things. She was mostly saying I should change how I did some stuff. I'll be honest: I really should work on many things and have been trying to. It's just that I seem to always fall back into the habit of doing those things again. She tells me about them by not saying anything many of the first times I do it or getting mad and just saying it's okay when I ask about it. Then we talk about it, and it blows up because she's been holding it in for so long, and it's not making her feel good. I keep telling her that it would work so much better if she told me upfront when I did those things to knock it off, but she's telling me she does, and she doesn't understand what l'm saying. She doesn't bring them up the next day or way later after I've done whatever l've done. She doesn't mention many specifics about what I did (sometimes she does). When she tells me about it after the fact, I try to look out for it, but I don't realize it's happening until it's too late and we have the conversation again. One time, she glared at me when I talked over her. I had a habit that annoyed her, and every time she glared at me, I recognized the problem and almost completely stopped. Back to the argument, she says she does tell me right after, but she doesn't. She waits until we are together anymore at home and texts me about it. She says she's "not confrontational," but I don't think letting a partner know what they're doing is wrong, especially when I asked for it as confrontation. I understand it's frustrating when you keep bringing something up and nothing changes but i'm trying to tell her a solution and she's telling me she doesn't understand. How do I tell her that communication should be constant when she doesn’t believe? | She is not your mother. She should not have to communicate every goddamn time you do something if you tell her you'll stop doing it. Stop doing it. Don't rely on her to keep reminding you. She's tired of it, of course she's pissed. | Honestly it sounds like ur the issue. She wouldn't have to communicate so much if just stopped doing the things again | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
207 | Dating for 1.5 years and intimacy has been very minimal because “antidepressants took his sex drive”. We were semi open because we always agreed sending nudes was not an issue. As for physical encounters we could talk about it.
He knows I am not asexual but that I am waiting for him and his times with his own self journey.
We are on a trip for Pride parade. Something he always wanted to attend to but never could, last week he was sad we couldn’t come because I am in a difficult moment money-wise. He told me how sad he was and I immediately spent money I don’t have on the trip.
Went clubbing, got drunk, came back and I checked his phone while he slept and found out texts from last week.
The day before the infidelity happened he had told me he could not invite me to his house because his room was messy.
Then in the texts I found he offers his house for the hookup, went to pick the guy up at 3am and returned him at 6 and even paid him.
At 5am he texted me he was watching a movie. I am repulsed at the thought he was watching it with the guy on his bed.
I’ve been distant all day. We go back to our city tomorrow and I don’t know if I should talk about it now and end the trip in a weird way, or wait until we are home. | That guy has you but won’t have sex but has no problem buying sex? You should be grateful you haven’t been fucking this dude. I am sorry he has been leading you on for nothing, idk what this guys endgame is with this relationship with you if he doesn’t want to be serious, you should just dump him when you guys get back or leave ahead of him | please speak up, there’s no excuse for cheating | Emotional Support | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
209 | I’m starting to search for a more longterm thing, would i be fooling myself if I get intimate early on like I have when looking for casual fwb type relationships? Like first through 3rd date is that going to either only attract people looking for casual stuff or like put me in a box where I won’t be seen as a good candidate for a girlfriend? But on the other hand, if someone is looking for something more serious and I don’t sleep with them early on then will they think we are not compatible? Some people think you gotta get the emotional stuff started or a good friendship basis. How true has that been for y’all? | No it doesn’t but you should hold off on it if you’re genuinely looking for a serious relationship
This way you can sift through incompatible partners BEFORE getting feelings involved | Hasn't been true for me at all. I hooked up with my partner as soon as we saw each other again after some years. We started our relationship then and there. When it clicks well it's almost natural. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
211 | Me (male 21) and my partner (female 21) has been together for one and a half years. It is my first relationship and we spend all our time together since we are both in the same uni. The two of us would spend so much time together that both of our social circles diminished. One the extreme end, for me in particular, I have been trying to avoid socialising or even keeping in touch with my close friends for months. Before my relationship with my partner, I'm the sort of introverted person who would enjoy their time alone, but would still crave for social interaction periodically depending on my mood, as I enjoy making new friends, getting to know them and forming meaningful bond with them. But for the past 3 months or more, I haven't had the slightest motivation to talk to anyone but my partner. I even started ghosting my closest friend from all the way back in high school, it almost feels like a chore to talk to anyone but my romantic partner.
I know this sounds very unhealthy, and it really is. Now I'm barely in touch with any of my friends. To them, it probably felt like i fell off the surface of the earth lol. My social life has been damaged to a point where I basically don't have anyone to hang out with and worst of all, I DO NOT WANT to talk to them despite knowing how problematic is it to not have a social like beyond your partner. But i genuinely do not want to have fun in the absence of my partner because it makes me feel guilty whenever i do have fun without them. For example, if i am part of very enjoyable conversation, I would constantly wish that my partner is here and it would sometimes make me feel extra guilty (it almost feels wrong) whenever I sense myself starting to enjoy a conversation or someone's company. In a fucked up way, it almost feels like I'm cheating on my partner by having fun without them. Therefore I sometimes find me unconsciously disallowing myself to have a social life outside my relationship.
Why am i feeling this way? has anyone else felt guilty for making new friends/having fun when your romantic partner is not around? How can I stop feeling this way as it is obviously very unhealthy?
Please help, need advice! | This sounds incredibly co dependent. This sounds like u need therapy. | I think the new relationship energy, especially since it’s your first one, is skewing things for you away from healthy and into really codependent.
It’s healthy to have your own friends, hobbies, and interests in addition to those you share with your partner. Abandoning all other relationships and making your partner your sole person is not healthy. It’s okay to wish to share things with a partner but this is over the top.
What you’re experiencing isn’t that uncommon for young people but it usually blows up. Either your partner feels smothered or you end things and have no one on your team left as they’ve moved on without you.
You might want to talk to a therapist. | Hurtful | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
218 | I will go first; leave if the energy is not being reciprocated and don't make others convince you that your boundaries are negotiable | If something feels wrong at first then leave asap. Trust your intuition. | It took me forever to realize this:
Don’t place someone at a higher value than yourself.
When you start seeing someone new, and feel a connection that you haven’t felt for a while, it’s so easy to fall hard and fast for them. BUT, when/if they start to pull away - let them pull away.
Don’t play hard to get, but just act and tell yourself to be unbothered. If they don’t reply, or start ghosting - let them. If they come back because they realize that you’re someone who values yourself and won’t be a doormat, that’s amazing. If they don’t come back, also amazing because it’s a clear indicator that you were giving more than them, and that the relationship would have been 80-20. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
222 | hello friends,
when i was a junior in college i befriended this freshman. we were very platonic, just got lunch and chatted semi frequently. now, i have graduated and im 22. this summer we are hanging out a bunch, and we went to an 18+ emo club / party and ended up holding hands and being very intimate. i confessed to that i was developing feelings for her and she said she felt the same way too. i feel conflicted about continuing, considering that i am in soon going to be a salaried public school teacher in less than a year (have to get my student teaching done first) and she will still be in college and figuring her life out.
it should also be noted that she has been in many relationships before and just got out a really abusive one a couple months ago. i, have never been in a relationship and feel comparatively immature for my age. at the same time, i wonder if i am selling myself short / holding myself back from growth. i have often felt like i wanted more time to figure things out in college, but i didn’t expect this to happen!
EDIT: also, we live relatively near each other this summer, but when she goes back to college she will be 90 minutes away. | 20 and 22 is no problem at all. A typical age range to be in when in a relationship. You just need to make your different lifestyles work when you'll be having a regular job and she is still studying. But that shouldn't be a big issue, people make it work all the time. It's a super common scenario. Good luck, OP. There is no need to hold back on this relationship if you like each other. :) | I swear we're fast getting to the point where we're going to see "is 3 months too much of an age gap" on here. | Emotional Support | Hurtful | Comment 1 | part 3 |
224 |
I’ve been in a relationship for about 4 years now with an amazing girl! Truly is my best friend. The most loyal and caring human being towards me! Only thing is I don’t have that spark for her and I never really did. I know she is head over heels for me and honestly that’s why I have been with her for so long. We now own property together and our lives are twisted together.
I was out of town this weekend on a business trip and I met this woman at a bar and when I tell you I didn’t know what hit me when i saw her. We talked and the chemistry and spark was instant. I felt bad for leading her on and eventually told her I had a fiancé. She seemed very bummed but we kept in contact for the next few days. I truly believe I may have met my soulmate. I mean I was left gasping for air when she would turn away. I have never felt that level of attraction in my life.
I now am contemplating leaving my fiancé but I don’t seem how I can come out of that ok. I love her family and she loves mine. We have already started to building a life together and idk how I can justify throwing all that away for a woman I barely know.
I am on here to seek advice and learn from others stories if they have been in a situation similar to mine.
| You're treading dangerous waters, bud. Everyone is nice when they're single and looking. I'd really hate to see you unbuild your life with someone you were going to marry, pursue this other woman and find out she's actually not compatible once your new relationship rolls along. | As an older man who has gone through the shit storm many a times in my life.....
Trust me.... It's not worth it.
Not trying to be the moral police here. But, life is long and 20 years down the line you still realize that it's a blessing to have someone who loves you more than you love your self. If you got family that loves you from her side, that's a massive plus as well. Simple advice I can give you is that "you can burn anything and everything including the whole world...but never burn your home and the one that makes your house a home"
Saying that....as said..been through enough shit storms
So.,sure...letting this "soulmate" go will leave you with a 1st year serious regret, 2nd year of random regret and a 3rd year of seldom regret and a 4th year of "once a year" regret and 5th year of you will never remember her again. That much I can confidently impart with you.
Still if you want to pursue it, well..be kind to your girlfriend and break it off right now. Even keeping in contact with your supposed "soulmate" right now is a form of cheating. Then go full throttle guns blazing at your new interest keeping your fingers crossed on that shit working out for you on the long run.
Basically it boils down to a simple choice mate. Either you keep your win and walk away or take a leap of faith and gamble everything you have built in your life.
Choice is yours as there's no set methods or established protocols to follow here.
God speed my man...god speed | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
225 | I was at a wedding this weekend, and while there were some things that went well ( got to dance with a girl and got her number at the end of the night) I did some very awkward things looking back on it and probably ruined my chances. Every time I have some sort of social interaction that isn’t normal or expected, I look back on it and cringe bc I do something weird or awkward like putting my name in her phone as A-a-Ron instead of being normal and putting Aaron, or leaning into a picture that someone was taking that in hindsight I don’t think I was meant to be part of, and probably other things like that. I can usually get a date or a number on occasion, but I tank my chances once people talk to me or text me or interact with me for a long enough time period. I’m tired of giving myself second hand embarrassment from doing cringe stuff, what can I do to help this? It makes me not want to do anything social because I’m tired of embarrassing myself | I think experiencing this is just a part of growing up. I know i went through something similar.
You just have to take that experience and deny some impulses that pop up. | "A-a-Ron", nice deep cut reference of a classic Key & Peele sketch.
Anyway, as a somewhat socially awkward man (I don't feel that way, but have been perceived that way), you just need to learn how to find your people.
You'll eventually learn how to spot the people who "get it", versus the ones that don't. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
230 | I 28F have been seeing this guy 35M for about two and half months. We had great chemistry from date one, and have maintained consistent communication and time together though we both have jobs that require travel and long hours some days - we’ve made it work nonetheless. We’ve done no sleepovers or anything significant, however recently he’s started sharing more about his child (which I knew about from day 1). I’ve never dated someone with a kid, however I knew it was significant for him to start sharing and he even said it was. He’s also told me on his own volition that he really likes me and wants to be more intentional about us and our time together. I asked if that came with exclusivity as we have been intimate and I personally have not sought others and wanted to make sure we were on the same page. He agreed he too was not interested in others but the rest of his message really bummed me out. He basically said it was just me and his kid in his life right now but that he ultimately doesn’t know what he he wants and if he wants anything at all and that he’s just playing things by ear….. i didn’t make a fuss of things but I was genuinely confused. He said that he only as that I let him know if I start hooking up with and seeing someone else. Am I crazy or is that mixed signals? I feel like it’s a bit unfair to say we’re exclusive but that he wasn’t sure if it was moving anywhere… I stated early on that I ultimately was looking for a LTR. But I currently feel like I’m in some sort of relationship limbo and could be missing out on someone who isn’t confused or unsure about where we stand. Is that asking for too much after almost 3 months of getting to know someone?
| Nobody can set your boundaries, but you. I would at least have the conversation with him that you are seeing his indecision as stagnation, and that for you, it is a deal breaker.
If you feel differently than this, then explain it. Wouldn't spending almost 3 months warrant an honest conversation about limitations? | You guys should be having these convos in person, or at least by phone… not by text. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
231 | So we became a thing when I was 16 and she was 30. I believe I was groomed but at the time I didn’t realize it that I was being used. People warned me but I didn’t want to believe it.
A few years later I realized how fucked up my life is.
I graduated high school early for her, lost friends and didn’t keep in touch with anyone. Dropped out of college for an online school that I rushed through just so I could be with her. She was “aging and needed to get married soon or she’d have to leave me” which I guess she tried.
Now I have a degree that’s practically meaningless. Never got the college experience, in debt from spending money on trips, no social life or friends and I have trouble interacting with people, socially awkward.
Now she’s saying she’s proud of where I am and how I am focusing on myself. I believe she has no right to say that to me when she ruined and took years of my life that were or should have been the most important.
Now she can’t do anything to help me or make things better but she sure can help me financially. Is it wrong for me to ask her for a couple grand?
Like I know the better thing would be to move on but I find it soo disheartening and infuriating that she can easily say I’m proud of you and move on. While her life was never impacted this significantly compared to mine.
What should I do? I told her tonight I find it difficult to hear or accept that from her. When in actuality it’s her fault. The challenges I face daily, parts of my life I never to go experience and make memories of.
She goes I guess it’s best to cut contact as she’s moved on and realized choices were made on both ends. That she doesn’t appreciate the victim game.
What do you guys think? | I think you were groomed. | You can’t really move on,all you can do is forgive yourself for it and try to be a better person than you were yesterday, groomers will never realize how much they took from you, you can go to the police for statutory rape depending on state you live in. They always move on with their life’s as if we are nothing, leave you to pick up the pieces. You can sure ask her for a few grand but I wouldn’t bother it just gives them a reason to stick around longer. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
236 |
My boyfriend cheated on me, and after that, our relationship was never the same. I discovered that he was seeing another girl and talking to three more on Tinder. He had been using Tinder for three months while he was with me. I decided to forgive him. After he cheated on me, he constantly accused me of being unfaithful, controlled me, and asked me to send pictures. I agreed, but the problem was that he didn’t reciprocate. On Thursday, I found him walking with a girl; I knew she was his friend, but I still got angry and didn't text him all night because he didn't tell me he was going to do that, and he always demanded that I do those things. After that, he stopped talking to me for two days, until today when he decided to break up with me. His reasons: because I’m insecure, controlling, and jealous. I want to add that he invited me to lunch today and brought his mom. I couldn’t talk to him about anything except when his mom got up to order food. At that moment, he said, “We have nothing more to talk about. We’re done.” I feel somewhat frustrated by everything, and I feel it’s my fault for being jealous on Thursday and that nothing is right. Is this my fault? Because I think I am guilty.
I want to add that this is very painful for me, but the relationship was suffocating me financially. He was very demanding with gifts and food, liked to eat at expensive places, and I usually treated him, spending all my money on him every month. That suffocated me a lot, and I accepted the breakup just because of that. Financially, he left me in a very bad place. Do you think I should write to him and ask to fix things? What should I do? I don’t know what to do from now on. | The relationship is done. He was unhappy that you didn’t trust him (for good reason) and that you weren’t ‘letting him’ do what he wanted with whoever he wanted.
The dude was (is) a disrespectful, dishonest, disloyal cheating asshole. People like that aren’t good people with high moral character. When someone shows you who they are, *believe them.*
Surround yourself with friends, family, hobbies, sports, etc. Save money while you’re at it.
It hurts when you find out that someone you care about isn’t who you thought they were / wanted them to be. Onward to bigger and brighter things! | It's bananas. He sounds like the worst. He cheats on you, sucks up your money, and you want to go back to him? I don't understand. Am I missing something? It's got to be a joke post. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
237 | Sometimes it’s a hit or miss with a match on OLD when the guy stop responding or unmatched me. I honestly just laugh it off but i really like to know what makes you turned off?
| “Wyd” - sends me into a rage 🤣🤣🤣🤣 | A few things for me (26m)
1. Trying to get me to sub to something (onlyfans, fansly, etc.) It shows you already assume that I'm only sex minded, and that's not an energy I can start or continue a convo on
2. One word responses that don't give me room to move the conversation. If I ask you a question, give me more than, "yes" or "I guess" so that we can actually talk
3. Taking days to respond with no explanation consistently. I don't want to be a five days later thought to someone so I'll just remove myself from those situations | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
238 | I (18F) have little experience in dating. This guy (18M) has been liking every single story I post. I’m interested. We went to the same middle school and I’m looking to rekindle things.
I have been liking his stories and just now I liked a note that he posted, but when I did, I genuinely felt nauseated and disgusted and nervous. I would love to be in a relationship with the guy, but the whole process of starting over on a new person and getting them to start talking to you is so nerve wracking.
I talk to other girls my age and they seem to be able to have a new guy they snap every week, but I just cant. I never talk to guys I dont know, nor do I want to.
What do you guys think? Is it normal to be so nervous about starting a relationship that you feel sick to your stomach lol? Does this mean I’m not good at dating? What should I do to calm myself down about this?
| You'd be amazed at what you can find with open and honest communication. | Just message the dude. Why dance around it like this? | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
239 | For a brief background, we've been dating/going out together for 4 months. He asked me what I wanted for our relationship, so I said I needed to know if we were on the same page before making any decisions. This morning, he admitted he likes me, and I told him I like him too. But then he said, "We're clear now? Then I'll go to sleep," which disappointed me. It felt like we should discuss what happens next after his confession. Am I expecting too much, which is why I'm disappointed? Now, his messages seem a bit distant, or maybe I'm just overthinking things. | 4 months seems like a very very long time not to even say that you like each other. That usually comes up within a few dates for me | the fact you call him saying he likes you already a confession says you're expecting too much. life isn't an anime. were you hoping for fireworks to go off randomly in the background and for him to pin you against the wall and start making out with you?
he seems distant now because you confronted him on it and told him he needs to tell you his feelings. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
240 |
I am in a long-distance relationship. We are very much in love with each other. She has a very high sex drive so we sext often, which I love to do. We have a great relationship outside one thing: she has a pretty massive kink for NTR or “cuckolding”.
She brought it up several times and wants to involve me in it. Basically, it’s been a long time since she’s been intimate with someone and yearns for it. She’s been wanting to hook up with a guy, just once, and text me during. She is fine with almost any condition I set for it. She doesn’t want any kissing during, he will be blindfolded, etc.
I have some relationship experience but none were with this high sex-drive nor with such a kink. I can tell it means a lot to her but she told me she would never do it if it makes me sad.
I’d rather not do it at all, personally. I know no feelings are involved so it’s less jealousy, but I don’t want her to unconsciously compare my performance to some other guy. But I know this will mean she’ll just be pent up, especially given our current distance. She assured me it would be a one time thing and I’d be very involved.
I think, if I can set some conditions down, I might be willing to do it *just once*. I’d especially rather agree to it because, shitty as I am to think that, her hypersexuality is to the point where she’d either be miserable, or she’d go ahead and do it quietly. I’d rather at least be *involved* if she does.
I wanted to ask this for experienced kinky people: if you had such a kink, would you be satisfied with just one time? Did you ever end up comparing your partner’s performance to whoever you indulged in this cuckold kink with? How did it affect your relationship? | There’s a close to zero chance it will only be once, lol. If you research cuckolding, it’s usually the man who has that kink, not the woman (seeing his partner with someone else, humiliation, etc). I think she’s just horny & wants your permission to fuck.
If you’re uncomfortable, say no. Maybe suggest an open relationship while you’re apart, so you can both get some? | OP, this is just a way for her to have sex with other guys, and have you on board with it. You should refuse to participate, and tell her it makes you highly uncomfortable. Tell her if it comes up again, the relationship is over.
Tell her you would like to have sex with other women, and have her watch. Ask her if she is on board with that. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
242 | I’ll preface by saying I understand everyone is looking for something different. I’m also not saying I don’t know what I’m looking for. I just don’t know how to phrase it in a way that is clear.
-I’m definitely not looking for a hookup.
-I’m not necessarily dating to marry, as in, I’m not in any hurry. I feel like any version of “I’m looking for something serious” is way too much pressure. I would be open to something serious with the right person.
-It would be nice to go on dates and get to know someone if I find anyone that seems interesting and compatible. That is casual to me. If something serious develops from that, awesome! If not, maybe we can be friends or just go our separate ways, but hookups or fwb or situationships are still fully off the table.
I feel like, to me, my intention is to date casually and see where that goes. But, to most men (at least most men on dating apps), something casual is synonymous with hookups. I’m not gonna have sex with someone I’m not dating.
I don’t know how to make sure expectations are clear for everyone. | You can say something like, "I'm open to meeting new people and seeing where things go naturally. I'm looking for genuine connections and enjoying the dating process, with the possibility of something serious if it feels right." This communicates your openness to both casual dating and potentially something more serious without applying pressure or implying you're seeking a hookup. | Pressure for who? | Practical Advice | Not Relevant | Comment 1 | part 3 |
243 | I don’t even know where to begin with this but I’ll try to be as short as possible with giving the full story.
I’m 26 and my girlfriend is 24. We’ve been together for a little over two years. Living together for a year.
We have a very active sex life, usually every day or every other day. She was my first. I wasn’t her first but that’s ok. So it’s safe to say I watched a lot of porn before I got into a relationship.
We talked about it in the beginning of our relationship. She didn’t seem to have an issue. She watches it too. She just said no onlyfans because her ex cheated on her with an only fan model. I said ok. And we went about our relationship. Until we decided to watch porn together as a couple. At first she seemed fine, then she just walked away and said she wasn’t into it.
She told me she saw the look on my face, and she doesn’t like that. And I guess ever since we moved in together, she stopped watching porn. She told me “I’m satisfied with you. I don’t need to watch it. It doesn’t do it for me anymore”
I said I don’t watch it as often anymore either. And that was that.
We started getting into dirty conversation, and once again. Porn came up. I mentioned that I look up instagram girls OF usernames so I can watch it on Reddit or another platform. I’m not paying. I’m not interacting. So I thought it was ok.
I asked last week if she wanted to find a “JOI video for couples” (for those who don’t know, it’s a video of a woman instructing somebody how to pleasure themselves. It’s been something I’ve always liked. And she’s bisexual.
She said “no” and said she wasn’t in the mood anymore. I said “even if it was a hot older woman???” She said no again and walked away. We talked after she she said that she doesn’t like how specific I am with my porn. As in looking up nudes of specific actresses and such. And that it makes her feel like she’s not enough when we have adventurous sex.
I watch it wayyyy less than before. I just brought it up again months and months after because my girlfriend mentioned JOI. Her telling me what to do in person. That’s why I suggested one we could both watch. I don’t look up specific porn stars anymore and I don’t understand how it’s different than watching porn. It’s all just out of curiosity.
Now she’s debating everything. | Porn in relationships is kind of a tricky topic. The sort of stuff your partner watches can bring up insecurities in you that you had no idea existed, or even actually give you new ones, it's pretty crazy.
When it comes to the OF thing, it's kind of obvious that it's not gonna be a good idea to look up OF girls even if you don't pay for it so
No idea what kind of porn she's watching herself but my guess is that she compares herself to the women you get off to and feels threatened by them | OK, the OF thing - nice try, slick, but this is a relationship not a debating society, technicalities don’t win they just make you look sneaky
On the rest: I get not being cool with you being into specific porn people, that becomes a very direct comparison between that person and her, which is not a nice feeling. More generally, people can have *really* specific porn tastes that may also depend contextually on a thousand other things going on at the time, it may literally just be that she’s not into specifically what you’re into
What she said about the “look on your face” makes me think she perceives your response to porn to be objectifying. And on the one hand, it’s porn, of course it’s objectifying. But at the same time, she (presumably) thinks of you as a respectful person who sees her - and by extension all women - as a whole person. Seeing you in “porn mode” may have been quite jarring to her perception of you
Honestly I’d just stop trying to share it, clearly that’s not working for her | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
246 | I think the main reason I am writing this is in the off chance he will he will see which is absolutely pathetic but hey guess I’m pathetic right now.
When I say husband, it’s only bc we can’t get divorced yet. If I refinance then it will double my mortgage and I can’t pay that but I kicked him out years ago we soon as I found out but but he was fully in love with her and despite acting like he was still seeing her, they are (SHOCKER) together still.
I want to be in a chill place for our son who is five. But he talks to me with such a nasty tone like he hates me. He was my best friend years and absolutely amazing the first few years when I found out. I was hospitalized a month after we got married and within the day I went in I was diagnosed and quickly paralyzed from left side, waist up. For years I struggled so bad and we were youngrt. It was hard on us but I was getting better and I thought we could fall back in love but by then he was gone.
I’ve forgiven him but this hurts worse than cheating. I got angry bc our son called him and the mistress was making noises when she heard my voice that it seemed disrespectful and just. I blew up his phone after and he blocked me but it’s been weeks and he will change his work schedule and his or my mom tells me. WHY!?
I didn’t do anything to him and I’m doing so well, nearly back to normal. My neurologist said the case baffled him and I even started my own marketing agency recently and… the guy had not once asked how I am.
When I blow up I get real nasty. I know. I’m so hurt and I don’t want him as a husband (ew gross)) but I do want to coparent well for our son and it’s impossible if he is so nasty/acts like I don’t exist. When I found out I kicked him out hurt he came over all the time bc it was good for our son and honestly I was okay bc by the time I found out I felt relief. I realized he had been really horrible to me but I was so sick/tired I didn’t react. I trusted him more the myself so I just internalized everything. For 8 years he was seemingly the sweetest man. He can this be the same guy?
Someone make it make sense!
| What's relapsing on MS? | Cognitive dissonance is the answer. He knows cheating on you while you were sick is a scummy low-down thing to do. He is an awful person UNLESS you were a witch and a terrible wife before you got sick. He has probably rewritten history in his own mind and convinced his AP that they aren't really bad people because the marriage was already over. The way he treats you is a reflection of his newly created really. Kill him with kindness. If he will not meet you halfway on creating a schedule, it isn't your fault when he doesn't get his time as a result. Wait for him to text you or get an app to communicate. His AP is probably super paranoid because she knows everything they did while you were still together. I bet she is monitoring the communications. | Not Relevant | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
247 | I've been dating a guy for 6 months. His birthday was last month and I spent almost $200 on gifts that would be personal to him. My birthday was last week. He wished me a happy birthday via text and that was it. He told me he got me a "small gift" but never gave it to me after seeing him 3 times since.
I got really emotional over the week and told him I didn't think we should be together. He didn't seem to care.
My friends were furious when they heard he got me nothing, as they know I was making the effort to buy him his gifts online and to make sure I got it in time for his birthday.
Was I expecting too much? I told him I would have appreciated even a rock by the river. | Sounds like one of you was in the relationship the entire time while the other wasn't. | Never spend that much money for the first gift unless you have no expectations the value would be matched. Not worth it for someone you known for 5 months dating wise. It’s okay to have expectations but given his lack of response or care I’d drop him | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
251 | I’ve been texting with this guy for about a month and a half, we hung out once after a couple weeks of talking and I had a great time and he said that he did too. After that I went out of town for a little over a week and we agreed to hang out again after I got back. However, for the last week or so he’s been taking longer and longer to reply to my messages. A few days after I returned from my trip I asked him if he was free anytime soon so we could plan something and he said he would be busy for the next week but should be free after that and would let me know. It’s coming up to the time that he’s supposed to be free and he’s made no mentions of making plans since then, I’ve been back for almost 2 weeks now. He has told me that he has a lot going on right now (he’s taking a lot of summer classes, is working, has some drama going on in his friend group and also some family issues that may cause him to have to move out soon) so I know that he’s currently struggling a little bit. There have been a few times when he’s taken a long time to respond that he apologized and said it was because he had a bad day due to everything going on. He’s never taken more than a full day to respond before, however as of right now it’s been almost 30 hours with no reply and (I know this might be a little crazy of me) I checked his snap score and saw that he’s been active on there. I know that he has a lot on his plate but now I’m starting to have doubts that he’s just using that as an excuse to distance himself. I’m worried that I may be overreacting since we haven’t been talking for very long, but I’m considering ending things the next time he texts me (if he ever does). I feel bad because of everything he’s dealing with right now, but it just doesn’t seem like he’s in a place currently to be talking to anybody and I would rather not waste either of our time. I don’t necessarily want to end things, he seems like a good guy, but again I just don’t know if he’s in the right position for anything romantic. I want to give him some grace because of his situation but am becoming more and more suspicious that that’s not the actual reason for the long response times.
tl;dr: Been texting this guy for a month and a half, hung out once and both said we had a great time. Said we would hang out again but he hasn’t made any effort to and is taking a long time to reply so I’m thinking of ending it. | Respectfully I think he is giving you every sign to move on. Even if he is being genuine, would you want this to be the typical cadence? You deserve someone who wants you and is on the same page. If nothing else stop talking to him first and see how he reacts. | If he's juggling a lot, it could explain the slow replies, but actions speak louder than words. Maybe send a casual message like, "Hey, hope you're doing okay! Still up for hanging out soon?" If he doesn't respond or make plans, it might be time to move on. No need to wait around indefinitely. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
252 | Hello everyone. Hope you're all doing well. Just came seeking some advice.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over two months, however, we've known each other for longer (we've spoken for over a year).
When we got together, I experienced a lot of anxiety, which I suspect to be ROCD (a form of OCD focused on relationships), but beyond that, everything has been perfect.
She is everything I could've asked for in a partner, or at least I thought she was, until the other day. We were making out and she said, "the thought of someone else doing this to you makes me want to stab them." Previously, we had talked about me being a bit possessive, her claiming that she wasn't. So, given this, I asked: "So you are a bit possessive, aren't you?" Jokingly, of course. I can't remember exactly how it got to this point, but eventually, I asked: "Could you see me with another girl?" Everything is blurry beyond this moment. Somehow it led to her saying, "I could see myself with another guy." At first I didn't hear what she said, and then had to backtrack. She said it would be like a performance for me, and that all she wants it to make me happy/proud. In fact, her saying this did the exact opposite. Once she realized that, she began explaining that is was just a fantasy and that she might not even be interested in it at all. She began crying and saying that she never meant to hurt me and that she doesn't want to ruin our relationship, in which I assured her that everything was okay, but it's still at the forefront of my mind.
She explained to me later that she is in fact monogamous and doesn't want anyone else, but I can't get the thought of my head. My ROCD doesn't help either, as it always ensures that I fixate on even the smallest things. I know she loves me, that's a fact. But now I'm questioning the credibility and longevity of our relationship. I just can't seem to let it go at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you. | I’ve never heard of ROCD, but if you think you have it, get yourself a real diagnosis & treatment instead of just suspecting you have it & letting it drive your thoughts.
The lead-up to what she said looks like dirty talk focused on fantasy. You started it by asking if she could see you with another girl. She then took the baton & ran with it. | Everyone has different way of expressing their sexuality, she was honest about a fantasy. It's important to accept that people will have fantasies and such, we can't control what others want. She also seems like she's cares about you with how she cried afterwards. Even with that fantasy, she can still love you as you mentioned. Many people have fantasies but don't act out on them. I would try to focus on enjoying what you have life is short | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
254 | As the title suggests, I'm having trouble navigating these types of conversations about moving in with two female roommates: one is a loose friend of a friend, and the other is a personal friend. (I can't afford to live alone and to me, these two people seemed like the best fit for me.) For most of my life, I've had no trouble making opposite-gender friendships that are strictly platonic, but I acknowledge that perspective may not always be shared.
At the end of the day, I want to make my partner feel more secure about this situation. Has anyone had experience with this in the past, and how can I be simultaneously supportive and realistic of the situation at hand? | You said these women felt like the best fit for you. That’s telling. If it was me in your position, the best fit for me would be people that were the same sex because I know that would be best for my relationship and my relationship would be very important to me. Long distance is already SO hard, I would personally leave the relationship if my partner moved two women into his home. It wouldn’t be a concern of cheating it would just be that it would become too difficult to continue the relationship. It would also be clear to me that my partner wasn’t making decisions for us but for himself. | Well, if she's long-distance, this isn't going to be easy, but I've always found the best way to make your partner feel comfortable with your opposite-sex friends is to introduce them. Let them all get to know each other and possibly develop a friendship of their own, so they'll see they're no threat to them or your relationship. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
255 | So I got out of a relationship last year and I’m having a hard time moving on. What’s something that’s helped you move on from you ex or any advice you can give to move forward and start dating again? I feel Iike I’ve lost my soulmate and I’m having a hard time moving on. | I just made a post looking for this exact advice. OP, please let me know if you find anything that helps. I feel for you. | You need to fall in love with yourself again. Simple. I once went through a heartbreak that hurt me and I never told I'd get over the person.
It was taking too long and I could not even reciprocate to people who liked me. I got rid of all the things that reminded me of my ex-pictures, clothes, and I started working on myself more. I fell in love with myself over again and it made me see clearly that I deserve to love and be loved again.
It may take a while, but you'll definitely get over them | Not Relevant | Emotional Support | Comment 2 | part 3 |
257 | my friend just called me asking if i'd be upset if her and my dad got together. he's literally in his fourties and she's 18. they've apparently been talking back and forth and flirting for a while which is weird mostly because of his history.
He's VERY strict with me, who i date, my outfits i wear in public, and my past with me being abused and groomed multiple times. if i was out dating a 40 y/o and coming home to him and his teenage daughter he'd go INSANE. I was only adopted by him a year ago and didn't know him too well prior. he's been physically abusive (dragging, slapping, etc) but never sexual. it just feels weird but i dont know if it's weird or abusive or anything? I guess my question is if I can do anything about this, if my friend is in danger, etc. | Are u serious? Tell them ull cut them both off that's fucking gross. This is grooming for sure ur dad's a predator | > I was only adopted by him a year ago and didn't know him too well prior
So this man was just a legal guardian to you for the past year?
Yeah, he isn't your dad. He's an abuser who is absolutely planning to abuse your friend as well. If you haven't, I would tell her that he's been physically abusive with you and that you would be extremely worried about her safety if she dated him.
I would also make a plan to get yourself away from this guy permanently. He's an abusive creep and NOT your family in any sense of the word. I'm sorry you've had these experiences. | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
259 | So we’ve had arguments about this one girl in the past who he said was just a friend to him, and I never believed it because their exchanges seemed flirty. He had been liking her photos and what not and I actually just requested that he doesn’t keep contact with her if he’s had a flirtatious relationship in the past. He denied her even touching her, but I’ve heard from other people that they actually slept together. Anyways, he removed her from Instagram.
Last night we were laying in bed having our own screen time, and our phones touched so his contact card shared and under his emergency contacts it had her listed as “girlfriend”.
I honestly flipped out and I was telling him he lied to me about her, not having been his girlfriend and he was saying she was never his girlfriend, and he doesn’t know how that got there, to stop asking questions about the past blah blah.
I never intended to ask questions about his past before me, but it’s a lie that bothered me. I’m not sure if she was his girlfriend or not (they worked together), but every sign points to that she was and he can’t admit.
After this, he got up and went to the couch to sleep for the first time in her marriage and hasn’t talked to me all day today. Part of me feels immature for making an argument out of this, but honesty is so crucial to me that I’m having a hard time letting this white lie slip.
What’s the most mature way that I can approach this? He seems to not want to communicate with me at all, and honestly seems quite disgusted that I reacted the way that I did. | Don’t get gaslit. It said what it said. Someone entered that word by that number. If not him, then who? | Your're married so presumably you share a phone plan. Log in to your online billing and look at activity under his number. it will show you what numbers he's texting, calling etc. You are not the problem here. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
261 | hi there, i recently reached back out to an ex that i cut off contact with two years ago. he did something that really upset me, and i decided to set the boundary and block him and i hadn’t spoken to him until last month in two years. it’s hard considering him an ex because we were pretty young and the bulk of our relationship was during peak covid times. I had only met him in person a handful of times. I was 17 when i stopped speaking to him and am 19 now. He also went away for college last year and is home for the summer, we hung out today and I kinda realized speaking and chatting with him has made me feel those past feelings again. He was the first person I ever loved and I do have a soft spot for him. I didn’t initiate anything today because I was fearing rejection lol. Any advice on how to go about telling him how I feel? The stakes aren’t super high because it’s not like he’s become a super close friend or anything and we weren’t talking at all until about a month ago. I don’t think i’d want to have a full blown relationship since he is far away for school, but I’d like to share with him at a prospect of something maybe happening. Feel free to share any advice on how I can communicate this to him. | You say it isn't high stakes but I do think you have to be realistic about how intense your feelings may become given how quickly they came back and the reality it would be long distance. That can be a lot more tiring than you hope.
To me the stakes rather than being low instead feel weighted towards a negative outcome. Like even best case scenario he reciprocates and you go long distance. Worst case you feel rejection, or maybe you do date and realise that actually it was mainly nostalgia informing your feelings to begin with. | If you have no intention of dating seriously, do you really want to offer your heart to him? | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
265 | I've been on and off with guy for two years. We both know we still have feelings for each other but there's just a lot of baggage that makes us not be together. But recently we had like an actual cut off where we didn't talk to each other for a month. I may have told him that we should both see other people and see how it feels and that really hurt him because he felt like I was using him like a second option. I mean he's not wrong because the two years I got no interest from him and all of a sudden he's like trying to peruse me I needed to see if I still, felt for him. I ended up sleeping with someone random off hinge and this is something I've never done. It was strictly sex that was kinda bad. I felt like I had to sleep with someone to move on but clear I couldn't. But anyways I'm talking to the original guy now and I told him I slept with someone. He's kinda mad at me and doesn't know how he feels. I feel like I fucked up, I regret sleeping with the random guy already but telling him about it makes me regret it more. Anyways how can I explain to him that it didn't mean anything and I still love him. | Stop playing with his head! Leave him cut every connection | You don't deserve him | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
279 | I [38] have a female friend [36] who I've been developing feelings for the last few months. I seriously thought she was too, especially a few weeks ago when we were hanging out and she started being very physical affectionate in a way she hasn't ever been before - she sneaked up and kissed me on the cheek when we met, cuddled up very closely and intimately with me while we were laying in the park, held hands with me as we walked, and encouraged me to cuddle her some more when we stopped walking to admire a view.
I had thought that was going great, but then she very suddenly stopped and went cold, and when I told her next day about my feelings she said she didn't feel the same. She said her affection was only platonic and she was irritated that I'd 'misinterpreted' it. I was pretty hurt and confused, and said I wanted to talk more about where we stand going forward. She said she was stressed and needed a few days to process things.
That was a month ago, and she's been silent since. We used to message multiple times every day, but she stopped completely, other than a brief spurt of messaging a couple weeks ago as if everything was normal, which stopped again as suddenly as it started.
I was planning on cutting her off completely, but then all of a sudden, early this morning, she messaged again. She sent me a link to an upbeat song about love in one of her spotify playlists, saying it was to give me energy for the week.
Should I even bother responding? Should I mention the silence, or previous events? Really not sure what to do here. | It is odd how she made it seem like it was something more than a platonic friendship. I myself am a very touchy person with my friends (who are comfortable with it and know me pretty well). I can relate to holding hands but I have never kissed my friends on the cheek nor have cuddled?? It's like she intentionally wanted you to have feelings for her and wanted to "test the waters" without needing an exact talk about it. And hypothetically made up in her mind that she wasn't feeling you.
Honestly just my speculation on it, of course I could be totally wrong but that's just me. For what you should do, you could either not waste your time with this girl anymore or if you really want to find out more or have a sense of closure, be straight up and ask. If she completely ghosts it and never texts again, you have your answer. If she actually does respond, you'll see where that goes. | Hmm maybe she's an emotionally avoidant person, who's afraid of showing and responding to affection. She do like u and the day u went to hang out in the park her harmonies conquered her fear but when she got ur messages and didn't know how to react so she chose the worst way---rej and pretend to be cool. IDK this is a toxic assumption. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
280 | Hey everyone! I just recently joined dating apps and have talked to three guys seriously so far. The first two were nice and we went on dates and it was good but with the third guy we’ve only texted so far but it feels different somehow, like this is how it’s supposed to feel. We haven’t even been in our date yet (which is tomorrow) and I feel like I’m already head over heels. Is this a bad things? I’m not gonna tell him “I love you” super early or rush to make it official but I think we both fall quickly and fall hard so I’m worried for some reason? We’ve talked about it just a little and said that these feelings of attachment usually last beyond a “honeymoon” phase so I’m hoping that isn’t an issue but something still feels too good to be true.
Is it bad we’re both so into each other already? We haven’t talked about anything crazy like marriage or kids but we’ve talked for hours every day and are pretty flirty (calling each orher cute, adorable, etc.) even though it’s only been a few days. Should I even be worried about this?
I’m hoping the date goes well tomorrow and that the chemistry over the phone translates in person.
Is there anything I should watch out for or be cautious of?
Any thoughts are appreciated!!! | Have a good time on your date. Sounds like you're excited, just remember to not let anything you don't want to happen too soon. | People can be very different in person.
Just approach your date with an open mind. If it feels more awkward than over the phone, that might not necessarily be a sign that you’re not well suited for each other. | Emotional Support | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
281 | I’ve never been on a drink date so I’m curious what the etiquette is. Im talking something light not a full course.
Reason being, I don’t see myself going out for water or juice/mocktails and I don’t drink alcohol or coffee…plus the drinks are the most expensive things on the menu. | Pay for yourself and you can do what you want. I like tapas on a date. | Why go on a drinks date if you’re not drinking? I would counter with another date idea, it makes zero sense to specifically go out for drinks when you don’t drink alcohol or coffee when you could just literally do anything else. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
282 | I’m (F19) dating (M24) he has this thing which I find very strange this is my first ever serious relationship he tends to be very rough in a playful way but when I do the same thing he tells me I’m aggressive if we’re watching a movie he goes on his phone is completely fine but if I do it an argument happens he opens the bathroom door without knocking he thinks it’s okay because we’re dating how do I fix this? | You aren't going to like this answer.
You are a teenager dating an adult. There is a reason he isn't able to date people his own age.
When you are 24 you aren't likely to put up with the kind of shit he is putting you through. (see first point). It's best to learn the lesson now and not over commit.
Everything he does is classic of a abusive manipulator. Things will only get worse from here.
I totally get why you would discount this advice right now but please keep a close eye on how things are progressing and think about it deeply and carefully. Why should you allow double-standards to exist in your relationships. Do you not deserve better? | The age gap is too big at this stage in life. You are barely an adult (technically still a teenager) and he sounds like a toxic manipulator taking advantage of that. It might be hard now but try to leave for your own good. You deserve better | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
284 | Me (23F) and my ex (32M) met on dating app. I've just got out of a 3-year relationship 3 months ago. Although I hate to admit, my initial intentions to download the dating app was to have some fun. Then I matched with this guy, which is my ex. He said that he wanted to date to marry. He seemed super sincere, after matching with me and asking for a chance to get to know each other, he removed all of the previous matches. He took me on our 1st date, he was humble, kind and truthful, the way he talk about himself, his family, and his career made me believe that he was the best green flag I had ever met. I was treated like a princess, and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. After the date, we got closer, we talked about daily life things and also mentioned about intimacy. On our 2nd date, we both agreed to have sex for the first time. Everything was great. From that day on, he did text me like usual, but the amount of messages decreased, he also complained with me that he had a lot of work to do (he is a civil engineer), it took him some hours to reply messages lol, sometimes even fell asleep while texting 😂 I realized that I had developed feelings for him, but couldn't get the same attention from him, I knew I messed it up this time 😂. I decided to stop this relationship before it's too late. I texted him to explain that I wanted to stop because the lack of time we had for each other, and he said that he was in shock, but still respect my opinion.
Have you ever been through the same situation? I want to hear from you. | I’m an atheist, I believe in sex after marriage.
It’s not exactly his fault. Guys have less respect for you after you have sex. It happens all the time.
It sounds like you didn’t even talk to him or try to save the relationship before dumping him. I think this is, to say the least, irresponsible. How are you going to last in a marriage in the future, if you can’t bring these issues to him in the first place? Atleast brings these concerns to him before dumping him? Unless, of course, you didn’t want marriage. Then I’d question why you dated in the first place | Even though you both agreed, the toxic mindset that men have is that if she did it with that quick then she did it with everybody. Basically you’re easy.
This is why I believe if you’re ever going to have sex with a guy thats not your partner, you have to be okay with the possibility of him ghosting you the next day. So what it comes down to make sure you really want just sex.
I had guys use me for sex and try to play me. When you get older and date more you catch on and realize waiting is worth it. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
287 | I'm a very sweet and affecionate person. Constantly get told as much by women I match with. But the thing is when I'm affecionate or sweet it doesn't work out. Just wondering why that is and if I should stop it. | I personally love when a man is affectionate. But physical touch is one of my love languages | I love it, if they're affectionate but not suffocating | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
291 | Hello everyone,
It seems like my relationship is going downhill. My girlfriend is almost never happy with me and gets mad at everything I do. For example, we went to a festival last night (even though I hate festivals and she knows that but I went for her because I knew it would make her happy) and this morning she was telling me how we should have danced more, how we should have done more things and stuff - even though from my point of view things were going well and we were actually having fun. I feel like she always sees the bad part of things while I try to be more optimistic.
Another issue is our sex life. Although it has never been the best, a few years ago we used to do it regularly (twice a month or so). But this year we haven't done it even once. And I don't necessarily have a problem with that, but she also got mad at me for a few days when she found out I was watching porn. She used to send me nudes and I didn't need porn, but these days she doesn't send me those either. And I am tired of asking her to have sex or send me nudes because it feels like she always finds excuses not to come at my place or send me things. And because I don't want to pressure her in any way, I resort to watching porn to relieve some stress.
Also, I feel like she gets mad at almost every little thing I do that she doesn't agree with. In the last few months I've had a lot of stress regarding my career and I've told her that sometimes I might not be 100% when we go out, for example. Even though I tell her that, she always gets mad at me when we're in a restaurant and I look around, saying that I'm not paying enough attention to our relationship and to what she's saying.
She seems to get mad when I go out with my friends too (although I am doing that only once a month usually). Last week I asked her if she wants to go out with me and she said "no", because she had some exams. I fully understood that, and some friends asked me to go out with them that day and I accepted. She got mad because I did that, I am still not sure why... I go out with her 10x more than I go with my friends and I always put here on the first place when it comes to these things, but I still fell that this isn't enough.
Should I break up with her? Or try to restore the relationship? Because after 4 years being together, it feels so hard just to let anything behind and start again... | I'm sure you do care about her as a person, but you basically made a list of reasons why you should break up. Do you still love her and actually feel it in you to fight for the relationship or is it really just for the fear of starting anew? | Yes, if the two of you are not happy, you should break up. People often stay in an unhappy relationship because it’s become comfortable or they fear being alone . You both deserve to be with someone who makes you happy. Say, “It doesn’t seem as if we make each other happy and , I don’t see this relationship going any farther. I think it would be best if we went our separate ways.“ It’s unnecessary to go into details because that will likely just evolve into a fight over who’s right/wrong. If you are living together, make sure you have an exit strategy. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
294 | I (28 F) matched with a guy (31 M) on a dating app, and conversation has gone well. It's the most I've engaged with someone for a while. He asked for my phone number and I said no. He said he understood. I explained without too much detail that I got out of an abusive relationship a few years ago and had some stalking issues there still so I'm cautious and don't give out too much info too soon. His response was, "You have a stalker? That must be flattering. Hahaha jk." I responded saying "no it's not, it was actually all really hard." And then he apologized for making a joke of it and said it wasn't "cool" of him.
Fairly, it rubbed me the wrong way. Tone deaf response, definitely. I just want to stop the conversation. But am I being unfair? I know people act dumb sometimes when someone shares something and they don't know how to respond. Or is this a clear sign that there's not going to be any empathy there? | I mean he apologized so there’s clearly a conscious there.
Seems like he was trying to make a joke to make you feel better about it or be flirty or something and he didn’t realize how you would respond. You aren’t wrong to be uncomfortable but I wouldn’t necessarily end it all because of one bad joke. It’s a dating app so people are probably not used to being serious when they first start conversations | If it made you uncomfortable and you want to end the conversation, that's valid. Your boundaries are your boundaries.
If you're not sure, you could always take a few days off the app to think it over and decide if his apology feels genuine. If you decide to continue getting to know him, now that he knows it is a boundary, if he crosses the line there's no mistaking it for nerves or a misguided attempt to be witty or perhaps lighten the mood on an app.
I'm sorry you went through all of that, I know from experience it's hard to start trusting again on the other side. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
298 | I (F21) hAve been seeing this guy (M32) for 7ish months at this point. We were talking about going away and I asked "oo where should we go" and he goes "the bush so that I can r*** you". I immediately had a pretty visceral reaction: "what the fuck" "fuck you" "where did that come from" "what compells you to say sometbing like that" etc. but took myself aside for a second to cool off. He knows I've had some marginal experiences and that would be a particularly sensitive topic for me. It was so fucking out of pocket and out of character. His explanation was that it was dark humour and that him and his friends make jokes about dark things. I just could not believe my ears. I kept on being like how could you possibly think that was funny even in any context ever ?!?!?!
Anyways.
I now feel very conflicted on what sort of person he is. He's never said anything of this nature before and had always approached the topic of sexual assault very carefully or seemed to have concern at least.
Pretty fucked up from my point of view and it really really really left just a terrible taste in my mouth. Am I overreacting? What would you do??!!
| Run | Normal people don't make jokes about raping their partner. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
303 | So I started dating this guy from a different state and all was good, he'd text me like crazy and say how much he likes me and l like him too so three days ago we made things official but these past two days he's just been busy and doesn't even like my messages or send me a quick text
Instead he'd leave me on delivered even though he'd be active on insta for a good while
When he does give me his time of day the conversation always leads from sweet talk to somehow being sexual so this is where I ask my question.
Am I being insecure or is this something to worry about?? | Idk how anyone can do long distance. I don't trust anyone anymore lol. Too busy to respond but online? He is lying about something. My ex used to do that when he traveled for work. I knew immediately something was off. | He just wants sex. This is a very common behavior for fboys. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
306 | I’ve (29m) have been talking with this girl (33f) and been on a few dates and she said she needs space to grieve and be in silence and with family. She’s a therapist and it’s been tough because she was just out of the country for 2 weeks and after 2 dates is leaving again now to attend that funeral and will be gone 10 days. Things are otherwise very fruitful, conversations have been getting much deeper and I’ve conveyed interest. She said she will message me when she returns.
Is this a subtle avoidant way of saying she doesn’t want to move forward or wants to move on from me?
| Sounds like a very direct and straightforward way to tell you she’s fucking busy for a week because she’s had a death in the family and she doesn’t have the time or energy to be on “had a few dates with” terms with a new person.
Are you really going to take this as some kind of attempt to avoid you? How self-centered are you?
The correct response is “I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope you and your family are able to comfort each other during this difficult time.” | Or maybe she's just grieving and going through a tough time | Hurtful | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
307 | Hi everyone,
Quick context:
We have been dating for a couple months now. This is my first real relationship, and have only been on a few dates with a girl before that. My girlfriend has had several relationships but none that lasted very long (a few months at most). My gf is also very comfortable with her guy friends and have slept in other friends beds’ a fair amount of times (before our relationship).
I need some advice on how to set boundaries with my girlfriend. Here’s a recent conversation we had that’s really confusing to me, and Im somewhat concerned about:
Around 3am she sent me a video of herself drunk, talking to me:
“I need to go to bed but you [unintelligible]. So we (her and her friend) sleep like [together] but I’m like [facing away].”
The conversation takes place the morning after.
She confirmed she was drunk and that she had slept at a friend’s house in Derry. Dylan (19M) is Canadian and only comes down for a couple of weeks each summer. She mentioned she slept in his bed and so did he.
I noticed from a Snap she sent that she was in a different bed frame and location, so I asked, “Whose bed is that lol?” She replied, “Dylan’s,” who she had previously talked about as being a friend she was excited to see. I then asked where Dylan slept, and she said, “In his bed.” I responded, “Like a heads-up would’ve been nice.”
Then she called me and said, “Hey, I thought you said you weren’t insecure,” referring to a recent time I said that I’m not an insecure person. I was so confused that I didn’t know what to say, and after expressing my confusion, she said, “I thought you would, okay have a good day, bye.” End of call.
She then texted me:
“He wasn’t even there the whole time.
He transferred to upstairs.
Deadass platonic sleepover.”
When texting, she mentioned the video she sent (which is very hard to understand) and said, “So like I did think of you last night, I also mentioned you. So like, fuck you.”
In the last phone call, she made it clear that she’s never been interested in him, there were two other girls on the pullout couch, and she wanted to drive home but they wouldn’t let her because she was too drunk (she’s told me other times where she has tried to drive when she’s drunk, but also had people stop her). She also said that Dylan was only there for 30 minutes before going back downstairs.
I want to stay together, but I feel like I need to talk to her and maybe set some boundaries. How can I approach this situation without coming off as insecure or controlling?
| Male freinds are a red flag
Hanging out and getting drunk with?
Drunk in his bed ????
Theres no way that she’d be able to convince me they didnt have sex.
Who sleeps in other mens beds while in a relationship. Ppl masturbate and have sex on those mattresses. Im not comfortable with at all.
U might have to break up with her. Or atleast start inviting girls to get drunk and sleep on your bed. | I was a wild child in my uni days. Was partying, was going to bars and slept in friends houses a lot. I have slept in beds with people I barely knew to sleep. BUT I never did that when I was in relationship, either found a way to go to my dorm/house or shared a bed with a female friend.
Her responses seems gaslight-ish and unnecessarily aggressive. It feels like she is trying to gaslight you into thinking that you are insecure and are reading too much into it. And also;
> so I asked, “Whose bed is that lol?” She replied, “Dylan’s,” who she had previously talked about as being a friend she was excited to see. I then asked where Dylan slept, and she said, “In his bed.”
>He wasn’t even there the whole time. He transferred to upstairs. Deadass platonic sleepover.”
>She also said that Dylan was only there for 30 minutes before going back downstairs.
Which one is true? Did he sleep in the bed, did he go upstairs, or did he go downstairs after 30 mins? These are 3 different stories...
This doesn't look good I'm sorry | Commentator's opinion | Emotional Support | Comment 1 | part 3 |
308 | My ex and I decided before our kid was born that we weren’t going to allow any pictures of her online. This came from our own wants of privacy as well as the protection of her from creeps online. Even while attending daycare we wouldn’t allow her to be included in anything public.
We expressed this desire to all close to us soon after and everyone agreed to keep her offline. Aside from my sister accidentally posting a video on her story that was only up for a couple of minutes everyone respected our wishes. Aside from my mom. I don’t follow her on Instagram and I’m not on Facebook, so I don’t have access to her accounts. A couple of months after she was born I was on my mom’s phone and saw she had posted a picture of my newborn on instagram, showing her hands and feet. Not the biggest deal but I told her not to post anything else and that I wouldn’t be coming around otherwise. I don’t really see anything come up until earlier in the year where I see her Instagram open and it’s full of posts of her again. I told her again to stop but yet again I see her earlier today making a post on Instagram and again she seems to just ignore me.
I’ve explained before why I do not want pictures online, including stories showing how it could get into the wrong hands. Her account is private but regardless I don’t want pictures online and I’ve been adamant on that stance since she’s been born. She disregards my wants and authority as the parent. Me and my daughter are both living with her currently so I can’t exactly just remove visits. Is there a way to get her to stop posting and remove the pictures? | Dont give her any photographs and dont let her take them either | Report the pictures and her account over and over again on top of not giving her pictures and telling her she can't take pictures anymore, - now keep in mind she can always take them behind your back and still post them - I know crazy gmas that have done that there is nothing you can do really besides that nobody has the right to privacy in a public space and can have videos and pics taken regardless of how you feel sadly thats a legal amendment that I do support for good reason but when it comes to this that makes these situations hard, I don't want my own mother having any sort of pictures or videos of my kids for reason. And my brother constantly sends them to her against my own will. I don't like him doing that. I've told him he's not allowed to do that and he still doesn't behind my back because she deserves to know what she's missing out on is his point of view. I don't feel like that's a good enough. Excuse because I don't want her seeing my kids after everything. She put me through so and there's nothing I can do about that. Other than stop giving him pictures.But then he just gets them from other people who he knows has them, thats one of the few reasons why he's not allowed around me either anymore | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
312 | my bf of 4 years cheated on me with my bestfriend for months. Would y’all stay too? We don’t have kids or aren’t married (thank god lol). Recently moved to San Diego, CA and prices are no joke here. That’s the biggest thing i’m considering before deciding to leave. He always talked about marriages and babies so this was the last thing i expected. Apologizes for being naive as my mind is telling me to run for the hills but my heart wants me to stay🥹Do all men cheat? Once a cheater always a cheater? Will he actually change?
| Not all men cheat. But yours does so you should move on. | That’s many lies over an extended period of time. He doesn’t respect you as his partner or as a person. Be done. He’s shown you who he is, believe him. Look a little further north or east, if you can commute. It is more affordable. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
315 | My gf wants one but I have no idea how to do it I tried three times on her wrist but it still doesn't work, I bite a small area with my lips and suck it but still nothing shows up. Any ideas? | technique is the key here! how hard are you sucking? are you biting hard enough? usually it’s a few nibbles and then some sucking (you should suck harder than you think you should; make sure the skin is being pulled up slightly into your lips so the capillaries in the vessels can break slightly) and then a hickey can start to form. it also depends on where you’re at on her body. places with thinner skin (like the neck, collarbone area, chest) have been better areas for me as a female receiver, and depending where on the wrist you’re at, the skin can be kinda thick. they can show up in as little as 30 seconds or take longer. i’ve had some show up an hour after the fact!
don’t be afraid to go harder than you think! but if you notice your partner is in pain, stop! communicate with them and try again if they’re willing. practice makes perfect, as they say, so don’t be discouraged if nothing happens as you want it to the next few times. good luck to you and i hope everything goes swimmingly :) | Hickeys are made with intense sucking, not biting. Depending on your lip shape and mouth size, it might be tricky, especially if you are doing it on a thicker piece of skin. There’s a reason people always have neck hickeys: because they show up real easy.
The best advice to a good hickey is
1. Don’t hold back on sucking. It’s important to incorporate more then just sucking, but you gotta pull hard to make a mark
2. Do it on a place of the body that has looser/thinner skin (neck, thighs, chest)
3. Commit to it for sometime. It takes a second to do a good hickey, be a little patient
4. Keep your lips in one place. If you are sucking hard on the skin, you should essentially be trapping the skin. Think about your lips like they are an empty water bottle, if you squeeze it tight against it, the skin should suck in and remain there for a while, same with your lips. It’s more of a tight space/air game then it is a mouth one.
5. Accept that it can’t guarantee a hickey. Depending on your GF, she might not bruise all that easy, so it might be harder to leave a mark.
Hopes this helps! | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
316 | my boyfriend (26M) and I (24F) have been dating for around 3 months. yesterday, his ex reached out to me and told me that my boyfriend has been liking her instagram stories. she sent me screenshots of him liking recent stories of her, even one in a bikini. she said he also swiped up on one, and they messaged for 4 days (when I asked what they talked about she said it was just about work but why keep the conversation going for so long?)
idk how to feel. I know social media isn’t real life but i’ve never had anyone reach out to me before. is this a big deal or am I overreacting? I don’t like the idea of my boyfriend liking another girls story let alone his ex | Have you talked to him about it? For me, I’d be immediately gone. Very disrespectful. | I think she’s trying to break you two up, and start drama. You shouldn’t trust her. Why else would she rat on your bf if she is on good terms with him? Seems like shady behavior. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
317 | My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now.
Over the past year there have been some worrisome signs of abuse as follows:
* He has used swear words while fighting with me (he was the one to start verbal abuse and over time I also retaliated by swearing back). He has called me a dumb b!tch, c*unt, piece of sh!t, lazy useless pig, fagg0t, l0ser.
* He used to punch walls and throw stuff in anger including my belongings and his phone
* He has driven the car rashly and angrily while I was sitting in the passenger seat
* He has brought his hand up to my throat momentarily during a bad fight and later said it was just to get me to stop talking
* He has twisted my arm during a fight and it kept hurting for 2-3 days after but he said he did it playfully like he would with one of the boys and that he did not know it would hurt me
* During a fight he said over phone "I will punch your face and make you bleed" (this was the most recent)
He says he's reducing such reactions and controlling his anger. The physical part has stopped since but the verbal abuse still continues to an extent.
I got scared and shared some of this with my mother and she wants me to call it off.
He comes from a dysfunctional family and I feel bad for what he went through, being raised by a single mother. And he is also responsible for her financially.
We are also from different religions so that's another point of contention for him (I'm secular so I am tolerant of his religion but he isn't much of mine. He wants our future kid to follow his religion).
The reason I have stayed:
He has promised it will get better and I do love him a lot and the good times have been really good. And I saw myself marrying this man. He can be a very caring and loving and trustworthy partner.
I have seen some improvement in him, but I do feel disrespected at times in this relationship. I'm scared of a future where I'll be in an abusive marriage.
Because I have read that most men do not improve/change.
I would like some advice and for others to share their experiences. Have you faced such a situation before and has your partner improved/changed?
I feel completely confused as to how to proceed, and some insights would be helpful.
I will also speak to my therapist about this. | LEAVE NOW!! Please OP realise this is NOT love and he is manipulating you, Call the police and have them help you collect your belongings and escort you out
Don’t become a statistic, You deserve better than this | Please save me from every woman that is actively being abused and still thinking they can fix him.
“Ohhh but the good times are so good”, it’s not signs of abuse, you’re being abused regularly and if you give him warning that you’re leaving your life will be in danger.
I hope you can tell some trusted people and get away safely. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
323 | Context: we fought, haven’t spoken to each other in 3 days. She works late night during weekends 7pm - 7am shifts.
I ignored her for few days she got mad. And now she seemed my text and hasn’t texted me in 2 days. She’s trying to get even. I can feel our relationship is heading to toxicity.
We are probably both stubborn. No one wants to text first. And she hasn’t done anything shady to make me question her. To be honest. This is our first fight.
Yesterday she posted a selfie on her instagram story as well. I am also not sure if it was directed to me. Or she’s fishing for a new guy. (This is a pattern I saw for my exes) and it was 50/50. The one that posted with “skin” usually wants to fish. But she just posted a selfie. No skin or anything revealing. With music something along the lines of “f&$& love, I don’t need it”
I am not sure what to do. She said she doesn’t use her phone at work. I caught her lying. I just haven’t told her that. She doesn’t text me at work but she texts other people.
She’s working right now. Only during weekends.
We text on Instagram. I see her online on whatsapp.
I just need help. It’s our first fight.
Am I being paranoid? Is she being shady? Do girls chat late at night? Who could she be texting at this hour? (It’s 2 AM here currently)
| It smell bad. What you should do depend of the nature of your fight in the first place. If you yelled at each other for something stupid like the color of the new couch, just be mature and apologize to calm things down. If she insulted your mom out of nowhere, start fishing for a new partner. | This is baby behavior…getting into an argument and then ignoring each others’ texts. Come on. It’s one thing to cool down over night or something, but days? Neither of you should be in a relationship if that’s how both act. Man up and text her you’d like to talk about the other day and have an adult conversation and come to a resolution. If she doesn’t respond like and adult within a few hours to that text, then say it’s clear that you two aren’t ready for an adult relationship and move on. This is not how to handle disagreements. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
324 | I have noticed on at least two occasions that the contents of my wallet have been fanned out as if they were deliberately taken out and looked at after spending the night at my gfs house. I didn’t notice either time until after I left and got home. We have been dating for about 5 months now and she hasn’t said a word about it. I’m not really sure how to approach this. My past girlfriends have usually respected my privacy. I keep mulling over in my head exactly how I’m going to ask her why she keeps doing this, without her becoming defensive. I know damn sure I’m not the first guy who has encountered this kind of behavior. So, can anyone who’s dealt with this before tell me how you handled it, and what happened? TIA. | Honestly,it sounds like your partner has boundary issues. I've been with my partner for over 10 years and I've never looked in his wallet without his permission. Perhaps she was financially abused or is trying to catch you in some sorta lie. Honestly red flag but id attempt to talk to her.
5 months is hardly enough time to be snooping imo. Just flat out tell her that your aren't okay with it and if there is any resistance perhaps rethink the relationship | My petty side says to write in a small piece of paper "why are you looking through my wallet" and slide it in between your paper money. Then see what she says the next time she looks in your wallet. | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
325 | My bf and I have been dating for 4 months. I'm definitely not planning to have children with him yet. But since he keeps fantasizing about children, a wife and a house every day I decided to find out his "timeline". When I asked him he told me he isn´t even sure about wanting children, just discussing what if´s. He wants to live his life for the next 4-5 years and then maybe he´s ready. Maybe it´ll never happen. Okay. I continued to ask for his reason for maybe wanting children out of interest and he told me there is someone there to take care of him when he´s old. Idk what to think about this. My first reaction would be that I love children and want to see someone grow up. Imo demanding care from a child is unrealistic at best bc you never know if you get along and if the child wants to do it. His second reason is that is the ultimate proof of love since it´s a combination of both partners DNA. And also the love you feel towards a child is on a whole different level than everything else which i kind of get. Idk but the first reason that came up to his mind kind of irritates me | Wonder why he wants a wife? | > he told me there is someone there to take care of him when he´s old. Idk what to think about this.
Just ask more questions about it. Why was this the first thing coming to his mind? How does he imagine the process of RAISING kids? Will he take time off/reduce to working part-time to be there for them? Will he be willing to be the primary parent/emergency contact? What happens if the child is disabled? What if the child has mental health issues? etc. etc..
> His second reason is that is the ultimate proof of love since it´s a combination of both partners DNA.
What happens if him and his partner can't have kids the "natural"way? What if his sperm is an issue? | Not Relevant | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
331 | I could really use some perspective here. I'm feeling conflicted about my friendship with K (30M), and I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or if my concerns are justified. We've been friends for five years online, initially bonding over a video game and chatting on Discord. At first, we were close, and he even used to give me in-game currency bought with real money. However, things changed when I turned down his romantic advances – the gifts stopped, and so did much of our communication.
Months later, we reconnected, and he apologized, but I noticed he started showering other women online with gifts and attention instead. It frustrated me because I saw these women taking advantage of his generosity while he seemed oblivious, just craving companionship. Our friendship became strained as I couldn't stand watching this dynamic play out daily.
Recently, he's become very close to a married woman in our game community, showering her with gifts and money. It's escalated quickly over just a few months, and he considers her his best friend now. I've repeatedly advised him to be cautious with his money and to value himself more, especially now that he's not trying to win someone's affection but just being generous to a friend.
I've voiced my concerns to him and others in our circle because I've known him for years and have seen this pattern before. However, it seems I've upset everyone by talking behind their backs and making assumptions. I feel torn because I care about K and want to protect him from being taken advantage of, but I also realize he's an adult who can make his own decisions.
Am I wrong for speaking up? Is there a way to handle this situation better? | I'm not sure why you think it's ur place to get involved. Also it's kinda hypocritical to complain about them taking advantage of him when u accepted gifts from him in the past.
You also talked to others about it? So ur gossiping about it? Yea I can see why ppl are upset that ur talking about them to other ppl.
You are absolutely wrong and kind of a hypocrite and definitely a gossip. He's and adult. He can spend his money how he wants. Mind ur own business. | He knows exactly what he’s doing and your own history with him on his vices makes this issue murky for you to get involved in, in my opinion. although I understand how frustrating it must be to watch go down if you care about the guy. People self destruct in all kinds of ways, it sucks you have to watch it go down like that but frankly he could probably self destruct in worse ways. Sorry, I’m sure that doesn’t make you feel better. But from the way you have told the story, I believe he and everyone is aware of this woman’s marital status? It sounds like he will be spending his money on egirls who take advantage of him one way or another, perhaps at least this is a more stable situation since he and everyone knows she’s married? Ultimately it boils down to not your circus, not your monkeys and you need to not get involved or people are going to read into your meddling as jealousy since you once benefitted from his self destruction before you rejected him. I’ve been there and it’s rough being a girl online that way sometimes but it’s just gonna be drama you don’t need to get involved with. Honestly considering the type of friendship he clearly craves id honestly be most interested in distancing myself from that guy. It’s just not gonna be a good look and frankly you know exactly the only kind of attention he really wants… | Hurtful | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
332 | I M18 have a crush on my friend who I will call ,S (F18) for reference we are both in high school but don’t go to the same school I met her about a year ago through a friend and we quickly became friends. I cannot tell if S thinks of me as more than a friend though. A few weeks ago we were at a party and her ride left before we got locked in I told her that she could sleep in my car she said she would bc she knows that I’m a guy that she can trust. So whenever I went to bed that night she was already asleep and whenever I woke up she was already awake and my head was on her lap. I apologized for that but she just laughed and said she didn’t mind. About 2 weeks ago we were texting late at night and the only part I remember about that is that I told her that I think she is very beautiful she told me that that was sweet of me but, she then asked me if I was drunk (I was) and I answered honestly, she responded with “you’re such a flirt when you’re drunk” which I thought she was trying to flirt with me there. Last week I asked one of our mutual friends (J) if S thought of me as more than a friend. Our friend didn’t directly ask S that question but J said she thinks that S sees me as a close friend. 2 days ago we were on a friends boat and it was very crowded me and S sat at the front of the boat and she used my lap as a footrest she kept touching me with her feet too and we sat there together for like an hour talking. Last night S invited me as her +1 to a party we were there for about 30 minutes then the cops showed up and we ended up separate ways and we ended up at 2 different party’s but we were both to intoxicated to go get each other. So what I really want to know is should I take a chance at ruining our friendship and ask her personally If she wants to be more than friends or should I just stay friends and see what happens? | Always take a chance!!!! Every chance you get an opportunity that is positive for you then take it. You got nothing to lose | Get a pair and make a move. You’re only 18 once. Don’t be 5 years from now looking back on it and wonder what might have happened if you asked out that girl back in high school. Staying friends and “see what happens” is not a good strategy.
Look - the biggest mistake guys make is they often have someone interested right in front of them and fail to take chances.
Plan a date. Ask her if she wants to do something with you. Get some food and go a park or beach, mini golf, amusement park, or something along those lines. | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
334 | So I feel in a slump. I'm 31 and still have never been married. Most of my 20s I was working and going to school full time to get my 3 degrees.
I feel unlucky in love. My longest relationship ended because he cheated. And I just had a relationship of two months end because he said he's too busy for a girlfriend.
I just feel like I'll never meet my husband and I won't have a partner in life.
I'm starting to question what is so wrong with me.
I'm a really not pretty enough, or smart enough or funny enough?
Advice please. | i don't know where you are from, but I think 31 is just a normal age to not be married yet. Hell, I even know people that got married in their 50's. You should just do what you like, and focus on yourself. When you do that, you might even gain some confidence in yourself. People like people who like themselves. Because that's hella attractive. You will find your person if you put yourself out there and start liking yourself a bit more. You just had a bit of bad luck with the people you met. | Hey you’re not alone. I got cheated on by my long term bf too and im so glad i didnt marry the wrong person. I get your frustration but dont change to get more dates. Be authentically you and eventually you’ll meet someone that clicks. Are you smart enough? Girl you have 3 degrees! That’s so impressive!!! If you truly want to be happy, don’t force connections or settle for someone just to add a checkmark to your list. My uncle and his wife didnt meet until they were 35. It takes time to meet the right person but i know you will eventually. Hang in there💕 | Emotional Support | Emotional Support | Comment 2 | part 3 |
337 | So basically I went through a break up, it was my first relationship stayed together for 2 years. She went abroad to study and started lying to me about her whereabouts the second she landed, was very disrespectful throughout the relationship, shit load of issues. Not nice to me at all but nice to everyone else like wtf is even that, I endured it all till that day i broke things off. People who got back together after a break up, why did you do it and did it get better this time? | No, they're never going to be the person you fantasize they are. | Why do you want to get back together? It seems like she treated you bad and didn’t have respect for you. It seems like you idealize the fun times you had together and miss that. Unless she realizes that it was very bad what she did, and you trust that she can change.. i don’t see a reason to get back together. It’s also your first relationship, which means that it’s always special to you, but it also means you didn’t get to experience anything else and your judgement may be a bit, clouded I guess?
Focus on you, and what you deserve. Your partner is a person that’s supposed to respect you and love you. And not treat you like crap. Do you want to spent the rest of your life with someone that treats you like crap? I don’t think so.
So, focus on you, feel your heartbreak. Be sad, mourn the loss of the first relationship. You will heal, it is inevitable and that you will also inevitably find someone that deserves you and your time as you will also deserve theirs. (If you treat them right obviously)
But the first break up ever, sucks the most because it’s the first time you’re feeling it.
Remember that! But you will heal.
My advise, don’t get back together
*Edited for spelling | Commentator's opinion | Emotional Support | Comment 2 | part 3 |
341 | My boyfriend has always been a little chunky but reasonably fit, exercising 2-4 times a week depending on his schedule. We're not taking six pack fit, but just a mild 'dad bod'. It's never been a problem for me.
Recently, he's started turning his fitness journey up to eleven. He goes 48-72 hours without food and still trains Thai kickboxing during these prolong fasts. He started doing these things a couple of weeks ago and the weight is just shedding off. I'm so proud and happy for him, but as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder in the past, I'm worried that he may be developing one.
It seems like whenever we meet to eat, he's finally breaking a 40+ hour fast. And even when he does eat, he eats keto. Normally he'd grab something like a burger at our usual spot, but he's now opting for salad bowls with grilled chicken, eggs and no dressing. He says that he's avoiding carbs because it means he can get back to ketosis faster in his next fast, butt that sounded like someone with an ED rationalizing.
He says that what triggered this journey was him meeting an old friend from high school who told him he looked exactly the same as when he was in high school, when he was quite a bit heavier.
When I was younger, I struggled with orthorexia, so I'm worried about him. I know these kinds of comments can be the exact kind of fuel that develop into eating disorders.
When I brought up my concerns, he just laughed me off and explained that he was just trying to be healthier. He showed me fasting salts and multivitamins that he was using to convince me that the fasts weren't dangerous, but that really just made it feel worse to me. Like if you need pills to make sure you don't damage your body, surely what you're doing can't be healthy?
Despite my concerns, he's been going for some electric inbody scans at a health lab that have showed the fat literally just melting off. He's dropped like 3 kilos (6.6 pounds?) over 2 weeks and says that he'll stop once he loses another 2-3 kilos. But again, that sounds like what I'd tell myself when I was struggling with my ED.
So reddit, tell me if I should be concerned. Should I ask him to talk to a doctor? How can I help him out here? | He doesn’t eat for 2-3 days??? Yes. That sounds like an ED to me. | As a former wrestler and competitive martial artist during most of my school years. I saw this a lot and was warned by the coaches and the trainers not to do this.
Yeah, this is not good. He needs to eat more consistently and healthy and not starve his body…especially during training. Such crash dieting can lead to heart problems later in life and the body will scavenge the muscles for protein and fats to burn. This includes the heart.
He needs to go see his doctor, get a referral to a registered dietitian and perhaps a trainer that specializes in martial artists. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
342 | I broke up with my boyfriend last Monday.
Long story short, he really betrayed my trust and disrespected me.
Now it's been a week, he's saying that if we are a strong couple (like he thought we were) we should be able to move past this.
I feel as though I've been pretty strong for the past three years, moving past his occasional hurtful behaviors and boundary crossing. Of course it is not all bad, but there have been 4 major instances of disrespect or just flat out meanness.
Anyway. I am feeling really down and today I reached out asking if he could come over. He said yes but then I changed my mind, told him I had plans with friends. He was okay with that, but when I came home I told him it wouldn't be a good idea for us to hang out.
This is all so incredibly brief and missing a lot of details. So I guess my question is-- how do I stay strong, honor myself and my boundaries, and not cave in just to make him happy and take the oath of least resistance? I'm trying to do right by me, after taking one too many on the chin. | Don't call him and ask him to come to you. No matter how bad you feel, do not call him under any circumstances. | You can’t stay with him and also honor yourself. Pick one. | Practical Advice | Hurtful | Comment 1 | part 3 |
343 | I'm 21 year old male long story short went round friends uni party met this girl around 2am she seemed interested in me started playing with my hair, tiggling me. 5am we left she went back to her flat I went downstairs to sleep, I then messaged her saying there's not space here to sleep can I stay round yours she said yes I went round there and we started cuddling, playing with my hair, tiggling
I got more info from a friend the next day that she was mad that I didn't make any moves and that I was the first man she ever chased sorta thing. I knew I should've atleast kissed her that night I feel stupid but I'm not the most confident person so I didn't unfortunately. I did actually like her as shes the first girl that's ever showed me that much attention.
I messaged her a couple of days after the party saying it was nice meeting you do you want to hang out some time and she hasn't responded for 5 days. It's literally the only thing on my mind and it's making me regret not doing anything that night. What I want to know is can I do anything or should I just leave it at that? | If she hasn't responded in five days then she's not that interested in you. Maybe she was surprised that you didn't make any moves on her and maybe she thinks that you're boring? But you did what you felt was right at the time and if she was truly interested and liked you, believe you me she would let you know or at least get back with you. I would leave her alone and move on. | So all these words typed to random strangers. You could have already texted her again, and let her know you like her, you were too nervous to make a move, there was also alcohol involved, and you want to see her as your better self | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
345 | Navigating a long-distance relationship for eight months, the relationship was lovely and straightforward. Both parties were happy and seriously committed. However, things soon turned darker as my trust issues were triggered by her outgoing vibes. She has an Instagram account with around 800 followers; she's popular, which means she gets a lot of attention and possibly admiration. I don't like to control her or anything; she used to reassure me every time I asked and even helped me with my overthinking whenever I asked something.
However, I always felt bothered by her interactions with guys, even though she assured me she didn't interact with any guys. Despite her reassurances, my trust issues and overthinking caused havoc and chaos. Every time I pressured her about something that bothered me, or about her past relationships, she would yell at me. She would say I was doubting her or not trusting her, and I don't blame her reactions since she had traumatic life experiences as much as I did.
Now, I feel like I lack self-respect for seeking her out while she's trying to go cold turkey and drop everything. I really, really love her and appreciate her company, and I cannot truly dare to move on without trying to show her I am not this kind of person. The trust issues and unhealthy behaviors were based on a previous traumatic experience where someone was lying to me the whole time. I'd be a fool to say I wasn't projecting my doubts and constant interrogations onto my girlfriend. I am genuinely regretful for becoming like this mid-relationship. All she sees now is an immature, selfish person who constantly doubts every move she makes.
I cannot give up on her just yet. I really want to put in the effort to show her I am different than all of this, but she insists on giving up and cutting me off. She is now trying to have no contact or even ghosting me for good.
Please, I need insights as I am desperately seeking to change for her and be as I used to be. | If she wants you out of her life, leave. Now.
It's not up to you to impose your will upon her or force her to be your girlfriend.
Repeated false accusations of cheating are a form of verbal abuse. Constantly trying to control her behavior and who she's allowed to speak to is a form of abuse.
It doesn't matter who cheated on you or hurt you. Your behavior and treatment of her are unacceptable.
Get therapy and leave her alone. | Insight: If you refuse to accept that she has broken up with you that means that you are not just selfish, you are a monster. Your behavior is completely unacceptable. | Practical Advice | Hurtful | Comment 1 | part 3 |
346 | in my desire to get him to initiate sex, i’ve given him plenty of opportunities but he either doesn’t take them or he just waits for me to do it.
last night we were in bed, and he legit just laid his head on my breast, cuddling me and that was it. when i asked him later if he had been trying he said yes, badly.
we have been married for four years, and i really love the guy, but i never ever feel sexy or wanted or like sex is something he wants rather than something im making him do.
we have had this conversation a few times before, he knows what i like and he def knows what doesn’t work (had a bout of a few months of just rolling over and grabbing my breasts), and it got better for a bit (he was a bit more involved) but god, its really making me feel like shit and now i get the ick so bad i can’t take it.
its making me feel really ugly, and now late at night i get this lump in my throat and horrible cringe feeling. and i know we’re gonna have to talk about it *again*, but how do i stop feeling so gross about it and why does it keep happening? | It sounds like he just doesn't feel comfortable being overt and forceful and he never was if this has come about due to frustration over you always initiating. Not all men enjoy being the aggressor type and it feels like you're trying to force him into a role he doesn't feel comfortable with.
You say you've told him what you want and he's not doing it. When you told him what you wanted did you discuss his comfort with what you were asking for? Like really, into the weeds discussions about exactly how he feels doing every move you want? I know it's not a sexy discussion but it's also not fair for you to put these expectations on him if he actually hates doing it. Has he explained to you why he doesn't initiate? When he tries to initiate doing what feels comfortable for him, it sounds like you reject him. I totally understand why you're frustrated and not feeling desired but he's probably feeling the exact same way. Like, when he tries it still isn't good enough so what's the point.
If you went along being the initiator for most of your relationship, what changed recently that made you feel like you didn't want to, or couldn't, do it anymore? Finding out what that is and the emotions underpinning it is where you need to start breaking this down from. | My last boyfriend made me feel the same. The way he approached me for sex was different than anyone I’d been with before. Normally I can tell when a man wants to have sex, but not him. I talked to him, and I think he tried to change. But it still was unlike anything I’ve experienced. Broke up tonight | Emotional Support | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
350 | My boyfriend and I have been in a very committed relationship for 6 months. He is now backpacking Europe for two months. He invited me to join him for few weeks but I wasn’t able to travel for visa reasons. And tomorrow is our 6th month anniversary and he told me he is going sightseeing with a girl he met at one of the hostels. So apparently, there were about 10 people from that hostel that started hanging out together and that girl has a plan to go to the same city as my boyfriend tomorrow. So they decided to do sightseeing together. And I feel comfortable about the fact that he’s travelling alone with her especially on our anniversary day. Am I wrong that I get mad and jealous? My boyfriend told me he told that girl about me. | this is kind of how traveling solo works. you link up with random people and go on adventures. ive met tons of people of both sexes that were just friends and made traveling alone easier when you know someone. i wouldnt worry too much about it
i dont know if people actually celebrate 6 month anniversaries or not (i dont), but it def feels like you may be putting more weight on this than he is? | I understand your concerns. But either you trust him or you suffer from your jalousy. The latter doesn't help at all in this situation. Worse, it might turn your boyfriend off. He just wants to have a good trip and if this girl goes with him to this place, why not. You don't fall in love with every person you meet.
Try to feel compassion for him. His joy is your joy.
And if he betrays you, well, then he was the wrong one.
But don't let jalousy grow. It is very easy to do so. But it's one of the worst and most devastating feelings.
Edit:
The theory of attachment with its different attachment styles might help you to see the situation from a wider angle. | Commentator's opinion | Emotional Support | Comment 2 | part 3 |
351 | My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years. We started dating in grade 10 and we are currently 2 years out of high school. We have lived together for the last 2 years of our relationship (he moved in with me).
Every time I ask him to do something he either forgets or doesn’t do it properly. For example, today I went to work and he had the day off so I asked him to put a load of washing on (work clothes). I made sure to state that I needed work clothes for tomorrow. I come home and he onto put his work clothes onto wash leaving mine in the basket. When I asked him why mine weren’t put on he get extremely defensive and basically saying it’s ’not his fault’. He then ignores me to play his games etc.
This isn’t the only time it’s like this though. He always forgets to do simple (everyday) chores that need to be done around the household and I am getting really exhausted from having to remind him everyday to do these simple tasks. He has been assigned one ‘main’ chore of taking the rubbish out at night but he even forgets that. Its really affected my feelings towards him because I feel like i’m ‘mothering’ him all the time.
I have spoken to him about these feelings on multiple occasions but he just says ‘sorry’ and he will do it next time…. but never does.
I don’t know what to do anymore but I’m so tired of reminding him of his basic chores everyday and I’m also tired of being treated like i’m the ‘bad’ guy for constantly getting mad about it! | You leave. As long as you stay with him, he will not do better. Why would he? He has someone at home to do all of it for him or remind him to do it. He doesn't have to grow up. | Why are you still with him? | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
354 | Im very very happy with my life and love being single. I do date occasionally but I would like to have a prolonged period of time where I don’t even entertain the possibility of a relationship.
But the loneliness usually takes over and I feel the need to at least text or talk to a guy, and feel like I’m making progress in this area of my life. Almost all my friends are like this too
How do I get over this? What’s the secret? | Some people are naturally better at being alone. But you're not really even talking about that. Do you not have any friends, or family to connect with? Why do you need a man to talk too? Are you looking for quick validation? Focus on friendships.
Personally I like being alone. Or I at least need alot of it. The secret? Well I like myself, I know I have value, I know I am loved, I know I'm beautiful, I enjoy my own company, I enjoy doing hobbies and activities alone and I don't need outside validation. | For me, their company has to be better than my solitude. Plus, I’ve done a lot of work to become emotionally healthy and I don’t feel the need to find someone that can jeopardize that | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
360 | i don’t have anyone else to go to, please be kind as i’m hurting a lot.
FYI he’s a very straightforward, blunt, and honest man. please don’t tell me he’s playing me, cheating, or there’s another girl. it’s not like that all, and i’m very sure he’s in love with me and cares about me. it’s just that he’s had very very bad experiences in the past, and in the beginning of our relationship it was quite rocky but we got through it.
long story short, i snapped at him for the first time, got angry. i understood i shouldn’t have, but he overreacted.
he ignored me for 6 hours that day, then proceeded to tell me we’ll talk tomorrow about it. i got really upset, and tried to communicate with him. but he shut me out, and went to sleep.
the next morning, he broke up with me over text, which is not like him AT ALL. i then tried to communicate with him, but he kept shutting me out until eventually he blocked me for 10 minutes, then unblocked me and said “let’s call tonight, but we’re not getting back together, just for what it’s worth. i’m sorry i didn’t communicate with you properly”
i agreed to the call. but we ended up never calling. i sent him a long text, being as mature and honest as possible.
the next day he apologized for his immature behavior, and agreed to my suggestion of going on a 3 week break rather than breaking up to clear our minds, however he told me that he thinks he’s not ready for a relationship and will use this time to think about it seriously.
it’s been a few days. and i’m thinking of texting him because i think a 3 week break over this matter isn’t the right choice. i really wanna worn things out with him and i wanna fix everything. he’s backed out before but he came back.
now i’m wondering, what should i do? continue this 3 week break? text him in a week? i don’t understand i’m confused and hurt and i don’t want to give up on him.
TLDR; Bf got trauma triggered after me getting angry at him for the first time, now he’s suddenly backed out of the relationship. | Probably wants to hook up with someone else and is using this excuse as the opportunity. That way if you find out, you both were on a break. It really doesn’t ever make sense to take a break from each other while still remaining faithful. It would make more sense for him to just ask for some space without actually taking a break from the relationship. | Can you tell us anything about what exactly happened in the moment that triggered him?
I’d also move on. Something doesn’t add up. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
362 | So we have been dating a little over 6 months and because of our jobs we don’t see each other very often. She has mainly guy friends and we have been getting in arguments over her wanting to go and stay in Airbnbs with 3 other guys over the weekend. I am uncomfortable with this even though I fully trust her but one of the dudes previously liked her and another borderline sexually harassed her before (so mush so that her work place is aware of it) and she agrees not to go but will wake the weekend after the next and it’s been like this a couple weeks now and idk what to do. I feel like I’m cutting her off from friends but at the same time it makes me uncomfortable. This is just one of the issues that we’ve been having and I just wanted opinions on it | A girl wanting to go stay in an Airbnb with 3 other men (you do not mention other girls) in which everyone knows that one of the men liked her and the other "borderline" sexually harassed her to the point that her employer is aware . . . makes literally no sense at all. There is nothing about this scenario that makes sense, sounds good, and if this is just one of the issues you are having, I am not even sure why you are dating.
There is nothing wrong with having male friends, but to hang out with a guy that harassed her and another one she knows liked her is beyond bizarre. | I don't think you're being controlling | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
363 | So I (21F) have been in a relationship for a couple of months but it was not it for me, I felt nothing, just hurt by his (21M) actions (or lack of them) and I communicated it to him and he said he won't change so I broke up with him. Now I'm trying to date, but the thing is that I literally feel nothing. I want to feel, but it's not there. Guys tell me I'm so nice and funny and then make jokes that make me feel inferior and it's all gone, I try to tell them that it is an issue for me and they tell me something like (it's just a joke) but it's not. Those things get to me, I've been told my whole life that I'm not enough or will never amount to anything. I am in therapy, doing my best and it's still not enough to be talked to like I'm an equal and not someone stupid. Like, am I smiling too much? Do I look like I'm stupid or act like it? It's just exhausting, I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to just wait? Am I the problem? | I used to feel the same way. Like I just kept meeting girls who I thought were attractive, but they didn’t meet any normal standards. And I thought it was just me that was the problem. But then I met my current girlfriend, and I’m telling you that you can be in a good relationship, you just never have to stop searching for it. | Alpha widowed & can’t pair bond. Most common problem these days. That’s what happens when women confuse sexual attention with desire to commit. | Emotional Support | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
364 | So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months and I'm not sure how to tell her I get frustrated at some of the questions she asks me because my emotions are not complex enough to handle them. For example: Sometimes she will ask me how I am feeling or what I am thinking about. I didn't have a problem answering in the past but over the course of our relationship I've learned that certain answers will trigger follow up questions that I was not prepared to answer or have no desire to answer - especially if there was a specific thing recently affecting me.
She will ask "How are you feeling?" and if I answer "I'm feeling pretty good." Her follow-up response/question would be "Even though your stomach was hurting earlier?". A question like that will take me away from the current, positive feeling I have and bring me back to how I was feeling when my stomach was upset. After that, I feel my emotions are too simple to take me back to where I was after being reminded of a negative experience and I am left with a feeling of frustration towards my girlfriend for that being a follow up question.
I'm not sure how to address with her without making her feel she shouldn't ask me questions or get to know me. Any advice on how to bring it up to her or ways I cannot be so affected by her questions? She isn't sensitive in general but she is more sensitive to the things I say and how I say them. | What | Does she think you were worried or upset earlier because you had a stomach ache? Some peoples emotions show up physically.
Do you want to get more in touch with your emotions? Ask her if her stomach hurts when she is upset. Or idk, have this conversation you posted with her. | Not Relevant | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
372 | Idk if it’s just me but I’m 20 and every now and then I get a match in the app but literally 9/10 times there’s no response or anything like they just swipe the profile or sum but past that, do women see men with tinder or other dating apps as a red flag for using/having? | Seems pretty normal to have a low success rate on dating apps as a guy. Very few people unless they are breathtakingly attractive get anything out of it so it’s nothing to be alarmed at. I think even off apps it can be challenging although there is more opportunities to bond with people. But I’ve struggled yeah. | Most women men are looking for on there are bots or scams.
People who no longer use the app would probably say it's a red flag.
Men have said they swipe right on all since the odds of actually meeting someone is low.
Women have more vetting to do.
A lot still use the app but some (including me) don't and think it's not going to help or get you what you are actually looking for. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
374 | Had a guy slide into my dm yesterday. He's been filling me for a while and loves what I post and says he wants to be friends. After an hour of dm I fall asleep and he tells me to text him in the morning and sends his number.
Super nice, sweet and attentive asks me lots of questions and such. And I haven't seen a red flag yet.
I'm unsure if he actually wants to be friends and keep texting or if he's actually into me? This has just never happened before.
Like one time via dm- a guy was like I manifest you everyday and I blocked him. haha like do not manifest me into your life!
Anyways idk should I be weary? | Just see how it goes. Keep talking to him and eventually you'll get a better sense of what's going on. | Get his number and call a few times. Beats the hell out of phone tag with texts | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
379 | I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. She's always been my all time crush/type. We have different lifestyles; she enjoys parting and drinking which I don't. She’s passionate about everything. Last week, her period came 11 days early, which is unusual for her. I suspect she might have taken Plan B (the morning-after pill) because her cycle has always been regular. This made me worried since we didn't mess but all she did was take a pregnancy test. It's shaken my trust. I'm tempted to check her phone something I know I’ll find the truth. when we are together she doesn't pick up some calls something that I'm suspicious about. You’ll suggest I have a deep conversation with her but it will lead to her gaslighting me. However, I'm ready to face the reality (requesting her phone), whatever it may be. | Wow, you are a man baby. Even the most regular of periods can have the odd week off. Which doesn’t matter because why the fuck are you tracking her cycle (???) to see if she’s cheating on you (??????). This is a whole other level of insecurity.
Also, have you heard of scam calls? I personally get them like 3 times a day and it would be tough if my boyfriend suspected that every one of those is some guy I’m talking to.
I’m not saying that she’s not cheating on you, the truth is there is just no evidence that she is. To assume otherwise is just silly. I don’t think you are ready to be in a relationship. These are pretty clear signs of trust issues. | Please leave her the hell alone. You are almost 30 years old and acting far younger than she is | Hurtful | Hurtful | Comment 1 | part 3 |
381 | Went on a really random tinder date while out of town. Completely last minute, but actually had a great time! Went to her house, did a puzzle together, talked about some deep topics, actually had a lot in common. Super cute and sweet girl. Ended with cuddling and making out while watching a movie together. Didn't sleep with her, but we were deff into eachother (attleast in the moment). Texted her the next day saying I had a great time, she responded saying same, nice meeting you, with a smiley. Texted her the next day, no answer, so I decided to just give her some space. I didn't have her # but I did still have her address. Felt ambitious so I just said fuck it and ordered her another puzzle delivered to her house, with a hint of who it was from without giving my name, kind of an Inside joke lol. Is that creepy? It got to her house yestueday and still haven't heard from her. Only reason I even bothered is because this was the first date I've been on in a while that I actually felt that I liked the person afterward. One thought is that maybe she was turned off that I'm not in the same city as her? No idea. I'm sure the move I made was unorthodox, but is it creepy? Thoughts?
If it matters, we're both around 30 y/o, single never married, no kids, live alone | 36 F and I think it’s super thoughtful! That would only be creepy if you didn’t have a date, btw. | Being a nice person is never creepy, sir | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
385 | my bf and I are long distance for the time being as we go to the same area around college, but we are currently 13 hours apart timezone-wise. i really enjoy spending time together as we share the same academic interests and hobbies, we called everyday for 1-3 hours (barring things like seeing family or doing other activities/obligations of course) but now he feels the calling has been too much for his social battery. i feel a bit conflicted because i found it perfect as he makes my evenings brighter even with so much on my plate. i want to call everyday, and i enjoy it into my daily routine. i have a tendency to need things to be the same everyday, and if things dont play out as scheduled, i get so stressed. i understand this is an unhealthy habit of mine, so i try not to let that affect a relationship, but i want to be with someone that calls me everyday instead of texting me because texts (for me) aren’t a reliable source of emotional support or connection. in almost everything else, we are so compatible. but im having trouble finding the warmth or connection to him if we were to do this routine.
| You need to understand boundaries and how to self soothe. Your whole post is about you. You want, you feel, you enjoy, you prefer.
What. About. Him?
I have a friend I'm really close to. I LOVE spending time with him, he's one of my favorite people. We get along like a house on fire, laugh our asses off, we can tell each other anything with no filter, we balance perfectly in that there's like 50% overlap where we may as well be the same person, but we're 25% on either side on opposite viewpoints on other things so we can challenge each other while also understanding one another. I adore every single second I spend with him. If platonic soul mates are a thing, it's this. (We're different orientations so no, nobody's into each other like that, which I think is why it's so comfortable)
I really don't think I could ever get tired of talking to him and especially right now, when I'm dealing with a major life upheaval, sometimes it's all I want to do. I understand someone making your day brighter. And that's a GOOD thing. I'm sure it makes him happy when I tell him he cheers me up and is a safe space. I'd like hearing that.
But it's also my responsibility to do that for myself and manage my own feelings. He gets to spend time with his husband, with other friends, or alone. He gets to focus on work when he needs to. He gets to have his own struggles and rough days when he's not feeling social. It's not up to him to make sure my mood stays up. It's not up to him to fix it when I'm feeling low or anxious about what's going on. He can't anyway. He can listen and reassure me but that's literally ALL he can do.
And if we talked all the time, what would we even have to talk ABOUT? We meet up about once a week or so (+/- as life permits) for some drinks and that we don't talk all the time is WHY it's so fun. We can catch up on the week's events and gossip and share all those "OMG I was going to tell you about this next time I saw you!" things.
Your BF is trying to set a boundary and communicate HIS needs. He's not saying he hates you and never wants to speak again. He's saying he needs a better balance, and quality over quantity and that he can't be your everything. He's being reasonable. 3 hrs on the phone A DAY? Assuming he works full time that's his whole evening.
Back off. You're smothering him. | That’s too much for a majority of men imo. Cut it down to a 2-3 times a week and see how it goes. You can convince him to keep doing it but his feelings won’t change and could become something that pushes him away.
If breaking the routine impacts you that much it’s on you to solve it, not your BF becoming a crunch. | Commentator's opinion | Practical Advice | Comment 2 | part 3 |
387 | Im not okay.
Fr i have been trying to focus on myself and control my thoughts but i cant not think of death. | Please call 988 suicide and crisis lifeline | Have you tried some medicinal Marijuana, jokes aside no matter how much off a good reason people give you, you just won't be able to see it if you keep your self surrounded by walls of shit, you've gonna need to get your hands dirty to break the walls and listen to reason. Or maybe just try some mushrooms. | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | part 3 |
389 |
My girlfriend and I were in a 6 years relationship, almost 7, for educational reasons some of these were ldr and we discussed this before me moving abroad.
Well last year I decided to move back to my home country to move in together with her. A few days after arriving I was looking through her phone's gallery, obligatory not spying, I was in bed she was playing something, and noticed a sexual Instagram reel recorded, at first I didn't think much about it but then I was like "haven't seen this one" and I confronted her about, she started making excuses, but after some talking she said she was talking with another dude on discord for a few months now, everytime she told me she was going to sleep she would just call him or whatever, not long after starting speaking with said dude they started sexting (pics included), due to the nature of the job I was applying to I couldn't focus on this issue and things continued as normal until a few months later I started resenting here, borderline hating, and I decided to break up with her, well after some talking and each one of us moving back with our parents we decided to try a psychologist alone and couple therapy where we decided to try to work on things but not meaning we will remain together 100%.
Fast forward to this week we broke up, I did, because for a few months now neither of us was happy, we were fighting a lot and things were just not working, I wasn't seeing a future with her.
My question is, did I make the right choice or not? Reasons.
Before asking, yes I was 100% faithful, didn't have much free time (working, studying and going to the gym), but all my free time was spent with her.
You can ask more questions won't add more in the post.
TL:DR girlfriend started sexting with some dude, we tried to work on our relationship for a year, but it was going nowhere so I decided to break up.
Thanks. | Yep. Right choice. You don’t want to be with anyone long term who folds so easily when adversity or inconvenience shows up. You need someone who can endure because everything is not going to always be rainbows and sunshine. | It sounds like you made a good decision, yeah.
Much love bro | Emotional Support | Emotional Support | Comment 1 | part 3 |
391 | Hi, I’m a 27 year old male. I recently went on a date with a girl (25). Long story short we went on a date and we got along pretty well, at least in my opinion. We had a lot in common and had a lot of the same views. By the end of the date she says, “I’d really like to see you again” I reply with “I’d really like to see you again too”. By the time I get home, I let her know I get home and she said she hasn’t also gotten home. I thank her for going on a date with me and for letting me to get to know her. I texted her day later saying “hope she is having a great day and hope she slept well”. It’s been 2 days and has responded since. However she’s posted on Instagram. Am I getting ghosted?
Also, before we left each other she gave me a little plushie and said, “hey hold onto this until we see each other again.” | Option A: Wait 3 more days and then ask her on a second date with plans already in mind. Don't mention Instagram or the delay in her response. Dinner, where, and when. The tone of your text will be fun, excited for whatever place you want to go with her, and happy when she accepts your date invitation.
Option B: Take a picture of the plushie riding your ceiling fan, send it to her, and tell her the plushie is out of control. If you're feeling spicy, followup quickly with a picture of the plushie surrounded by junk food wrappers and soda collapsed on a table. Express a need to return the plushie for its own good, and make dinner plans if she's laughing and intrigued.
I'd go for Option B personally, but either one is fine. | Woman here, you are not necesseraly being ghosted. Not replying after ONLY 2 days is in my opinion normal. Nowadays there is so much pressure from everyone to reply fast. You have to imagine, the work e-mails/phone call her familly friends, posting on Instagram... of course you come only after all that! She just met you, posting on Instagram does not mean she does not like you, it just means you are not her top priority yet, at the end of day, with limited time to do things. After 2 days, I would say that's pretty healthy from her. She also gave you clear signs of wanting to see tou again. Now she might be lying or change her mind later but you have no ways to either know that or in influence it. | Practical Advice | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
397 | I have very low self esteem due to my upbringing. I have tried therapy multiple times but can’t seem to overcome it.
This has taken a massive toll on my dating life, as I believe that I would be doing someone a disservice by having them date someone like me, when many other (and “better”) options are available to them. As a result, I haven’t dated anyone, and I am 25. I reject people because I feel like I am saving them from a bullet, yet I feel a deep sense on loneliness at my inability to allow myself to experience love.
I understand this is irrational and that relationships aren’t locked contracts that one can’t leave, but has anyone else experienced this type of fear? | Low self esteem, what exactly do YOU feel contributes to your low self esteem? Your appearance? Abilities? 🧐 | Yes. But I also suffer from imposter syndrome at work etc. I think the two are connected somehow. | Not Relevant | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | part 3 |
399 | Hi all, I'm the type of person who likes to help as much as I can with suggestions and ideas on how to make their situation easier and my bf of 9 months has an online course he's taking but he's behind because of his time management. I've noticed every time I try to help and make it easier for him to find time he will shoot down my help by saying "I can't because reason 1" or "that won't work because reason 2".
I am asking what I can do because I'm starting to feel useless and dumb now. I can't recall a time where I actually was able to help him because it was shot down. I like to help in relationships because my love language to show is acts of service and making things go smoothly for my partners so they're not stressed. What can I do better or differently? I feel kinda crappy and like a bad gf.
Thank you guys and gals
**\*\[tl;dr\]\*** When I try to help my bf my suggestions are usually countered and now I feel useless and want to find a different way to be helpful | I'm not sure there's anything u can do. It's his class it doesn't sound like he needs any help. | Your desire to help is genuine and heart-felt, but it's fair to say that your boyfriend has a large amount of pride and ego around his time-management woes.
It also seems that he does not appreciate the help you are trying to offer. This may be because he does not have faith in your ability to help, or your helping will expose some deficiency on his part ("he's dumb" is the leading contender, with "you are smarter than he is" running a close second, and "he screwed around until it was too late" rounding out the Top Three).
His motto looks to be:
*"Death before dishonor."*
Ask him: would he rather *fail* without your help, than succeed *with* it?
His answer will tell how invested he is in salving his ego versus passing the class.
And to address your initial concern: **you are NOT dumb and useless.** In fact, you are *generous* and *caring*... just that HE cannot, or will not see that, and is determined to succeed or fail on his own merits, whatever the cost. | Commentator's opinion | Emotional Support | Comment 2 | part 3 |
400 | This is a rant post.
So basically I (24F) talked to this cute guy (29M) everyday,everytime for 3 weeks and we had 2 dates that went really good, we kissed,hugged...
Then he suddenly became distant during 2 days. He didnt reply at my text for 24 hours despite being online during the day so I texted him "is everything okay?" and he told me that he wants us to stop there because hes actually not ready for a relationship.
Now I have trust issues lol. I didnt see that coming.. he told me days before that he was excited to see me again etc.
Moreover I expected him because of his age to be more sure of what he wants and stuff. But well.. | We are in a time of immaturity. Age mean nothing anymore since you have 50yo men wasting their time in online gaming. He just left because you didn't had sex yet and that's all he was interested in (since you didn't mentioned sex). Or he was just dating multiple women and choosed another one. You dodged a bullet actually as he would have probably cheated on you anyway.
Don't bother about him and keep trying, it's hard for EVERYBODY, and it's supposed to be. | He might have avoidant attachment. I do have to say it’s better this happen now than months later when you are more attached | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 1 | part 3 |
82 | I’m a 33F Asian ‘happily’ married to a 33M Asian. We have been dating for about 7 years prior to marriage.
My husband has been really amazing. He really loves me (kisses me, hugs me, tells me he loves me very frequently, irons my clothes, does laundry, cleans the house). He is also good looking. I mean he is literally everything you can ask for in a man except for when it comes to sex!
I am a very open minded person, I assumed we never had sex before marriage as he respected our culture. Unfortunately it has been a sexless marriage for the past 5 years.
Initially I’ve been extremely frustrated but shy to bring this issue up. The one time I confronted him, it became an argument and quickly made me feel like I’m not cultured enough for bringing this topic up. He even said at multiple occasions that marriage is not about sex. He gave multiple reasons for refusal- claiming he feels extremely ticklish & he does not know what to do (PS he works under healthcare). The most we have done is kiss. Whenever I touch him further he pushes me away saying he is ticklish. And if I go further he says I’m purposely doing it knowing that he can’t take it. We have never even seen each other naked. And honestly whatever love that I had for him has been wearing off. I can’t even recall when I last initiated kissing him because I know that it’s not going to become anything more intimate.
Most of the time I’m just wondering if he is gay. I’ve confronted him once about it and it pissed him off. And there was once he said it’s because we are not ready to have kids. I mean how dumb can a person be to know that having sex is not equal to wanting to have kids now. Also being an Asian, his mother has been bugging me on when I’m going to give her grandkids.
I’ve been focusing on my career and let this past trying to not let it haunt me. However it is getting more and more frustrating as I am a very sensual person. I do not know how to bring it up anymore as everytime I talk about it, the isn’t any conclusion. I mean it’s been so many years, anyone else would have left the relationship. I don’t even know why I’m staying- like I said except for absence of sex; he is really a gem.
What should I do? I pretty much know communication is the key solution; but it is so hard to communicate about this. | He's either gay, asexual, not attracted to you, or has some serious trauma he has not addressed.
At this point you just need to sit down with him and say explicitly, "I am not happy in a sexless relationship. We need to talk about why you don't want to have sex with me and if that is ever going to change." I know it's hard but it's literally the only way you're going to get a clear answer. Don't let him deflect or refuse to discuss it.
If he absolutely WILL NOT talk about it or he claims he'll try but nothing changes, that is his answer. No shame in ending a marriage with no intimacy. | Tell him if things don't change, you gotta go. You can either choose to continue to be shy about this (which is not working), or start having the hard conversation. | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | evaluation |
85 | So, I’ve(M18) recently come to terms with the fact that despite my best attempts, i’m definitely a nerd, and i enjoy being a nerd.
With that realization has come the epiphany that i really like nerdy girls, too. My question is this: Where do I find nerdy girls?? There’s no dating app (no stealing my idea 😡), and the only place that we nerds gather is in virtual spaces (most of the time, anyways).
If nobody else has any ideas, I’m just going to start wearing a Gojo costume into anime conventions (i’ve never watched jjk). | I am sorry, I don't have enough experience to help you out here, I used to be very social, but this anti-social culture has taken its toll.
I just want to tell you, great job on being yourself, never change. I hope everything works out for you! that last idea you have doesn't seem that bad tbh, women love Gojo lmao. | Nerdy girls are easy to find actually, the problem is having them like you | Emotional Support | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | evaluation |
88 | I'm 25 old guy staying in Hyderabad. I have been using bumble and tinder since 1 year. Still no use. Give your suggestions?? If anyone interested for hookups, Please DM | Being physically attractive, having low standards, and having a good tinder profile that shows you’re physically attractive are the bare minimum to get matches with an emphasis on hookups | I don’t advocate for the hookup lifestyle. But you need to do an *honest* self assessment and see where you need to improve your profile. | Practical Advice | Practical Advice | Comment 1 | evaluation |
89 | I have a friend who said hes coming to visit my area and asked to meet up twice as i said the first time i would think about it, i said yes and he asked me if i would like to watch all the Harry Potter movies together then asked if ild like to watch all of them with him.
I dont think he sees me as more then a friend so thats not it as he mentioned liking someone else. | honestly just sounds like he wants to netflix and chill with you
in the majority of cases when you think a guy see's you just as a friend he's just being scummy and acting that way so he can find an in with you
not so weird asking if you want to watch 1 movie you both enjoy together.. 8 is a bit much that's like a 20 hour commitment
but hey maybe he just really loves harry potter idk the guy | I think it’s a great way to become more than friends. But let things happen naturally. | Commentator's opinion | Commentator's opinion | Comment 2 | evaluation |
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💟 Relationship Advice dataset card
Dataset Description
Dataset Summary
The Relationship Advice dataset is an English-language compilation of posts and their respective comments concerning dating and human romantic relationships. The primary objective of this dataset is to aid LLMs in categorizing responses and providing appropriate answers based on the emotional needs expressed by the writer. The data was gathered from two subreddits: r/dating_advice and r/relationship_advice.
Supported Tasks and Leaderboards
text-classification: This dataset can be used to train a text classification model. The model should categorize the comments into one of 6 labels, considering the post as the broader context.Natural Language Inference: Given a post and its two comments, the model needs to decide which comment is more helpful to the post writer. Thus, the model must infer the subtle semantics of both comments and their related post.
Languages
The text in the dataset is in English
Dataset Structure
Data Instances
Each data point consists of a post, two comments, two labels, one for each comment (first task), and a third label indicating which comment is more helpful to the post writer (second task).
Data Fields
example_id: Index of the example, ranged between 1 and 400post: The post textcomment_1: The first comment of the postcomment_2: The second comment of the postcomment_1_label: The label of the first comment.comment_2_label: The label of the second comment.batch: The annotation batch this datapoint belong to. One of "exploration", "evaluation" and "part 3"
Data Splits
The data is split into a training, validation and test set. The samples are picked at random according to the following scheme:
The test set (150) consists of samples only from the "part 3" batch since these are the samples that were annotated by the external annotators, thus giving it the highest quality.
The validation set (40) consists of samples only from the "evaluation" batch, which is the second highest quality batch.
The training set (210), consists of all the rest.
| Train | Dev | Test | |
|---|---|---|---|
| exploration | 80 | 0 | 0 |
| evaluation | 40 | 40 | 0 |
| part 3 | 90 | 0 | 150 |
Dataset Creation
Significance and Advantages of Utilization
The Relationship Advice dataset was created to serve as a testing ground for machines to learn how to respond with greater sensitivity to users' emotional needs. To do so, the machines must be able to identify the type of response they are providing and, if multiple options are available, determine which one would be most appropriate and beneficial for the writer. Reddit provided the foundation for this dataset, as the language used in conversations on the platform is everyday language, and the topics involve a wide range of emotions, requiring a deep understanding of semantics and meanings conveyed in the text. Training machines with this data would help them improve their emotional intelligence and respond accordingly.
Source Data
Initial Data Collection and Normalization
The data from both subreddits was gathered using the Reddit API. The posts were filtered to have a maximum of 500 characters and at least two comments, with each comment being less than 500 characters. After the filtering process, 400 randomly sampled posts (along with their comments) were drawn from both subreddits.
Who are the source language producers?
The language producers are users of the r/dating_advice and r/relationship_advice subreddits between 2022 and 2024. No further demographic information was available from the data source.
Annotations
There were two annotation tasks
Task 1: Comment classification to one of the following labels
- Practical Advice
- Emotional support
- Commentators' opinion
- Hurtful
- Sarcasm
- Not Relevant
Task 2: Given a post and it's two comments, which comment is more helpful to the post writer. The labels are:
- Comment 1
- Comment 2
Annotation process
There were to groups that annotated this data - The owners and external annotators. The data was split to 3 batches: Exploration (80 items), Evaluation(80 items) and part 3 (240 items).
- Exploration batch: After defining the task, the authors began annotating the first 80 samples to identify data patterns and develop annotation guidelines based on their findings.
- Evaluation batch: Following the drafting of the guidelines, two of the authors proceeded to annotate this batch by the provided annotation guidelines.
- Part 3 batch: This batch was assigned to external annotators. The first 30 records were given to the annotators for annotation in order to enhance the clarity of the guidelines. After the necessary improvements, the final version of the guidelines was provided to the annotators, and they completed the labeling process.
Who are the annotators?
The owners of the dataset comprise two males and one female, while the external annotators, who contributed an alternative perspective to the annotation process, include one male and three females. All annotators are aged between 22 and 27 and are final-semester students at the Data Science and Decisions faculty at Technion.
Personal and Sensitive Information
The posts and comments do not contain any personal information and are submitted anonymously. No identifiers regarding the authors were obtained.
Considerations for Using the Data
Social Impact of Dataset
The Relationship Advice dataset has the potential to significantly impact how language models interact with users, especially in emotionally charged situations. By training models on this dataset, we can develop AI systems capable of providing sensitive, empathetic, and contextually appropriate responses in scenarios related to human relationships. This could enhance AI's ability to support individuals seeking advice or emotional support online, potentially alleviating feelings of isolation or distress. However, it's crucial to consider the implications of deploying such models. While the AI can assist users, there is a risk of it reinforcing harmful stereotypes or providing advice that might not be suitable for all users. Therefore, continuous monitoring, improvement, and ethical considerations must accompany the development and deployment of models trained on this dataset to ensure they contribute positively to users' well-being.
Discussion of Biases
Bias is an inherent risk in any dataset derived from human-generated content, especially from platforms like Reddit, where the user base may not be representative of the broader population. The Relationship Advice dataset could contain biases related to gender, cultural norms, socio-economic status, or other demographic factors that are not explicitly captured in the data but may influence the nature of the advice and comments. Moreover, the subreddit communities from which the data is drawn may have their own subcultural biases, which can be reflected in the data. For example, advice given might skew toward certain perspectives that are more prevalent in these online communities, potentially marginalizing other viewpoints. Additionally, the annotation process, despite efforts to standardize it through guidelines, might also introduce biases based on the annotators' interpretations and backgrounds. To mitigate these biases, users of the dataset should consider employing techniques such as bias detection and mitigation during model training and evaluation. It is also recommended that models trained on this dataset be tested across diverse user groups to ensure fairness and inclusivity in the responses generated.
Other Known Limitations
While the Relationship Advice dataset provides a valuable resource for training models to understand and generate emotionally appropriate responses, it has several limitations:
Limited Scope of Advice: The dataset is derived from a specific subset of Reddit users who engage with particular topics. As a result, the advice and perspectives captured may not generalize to broader contexts or different cultures.
Post Length and Comment Limitation: Posts and comments are truncated at 500 characters, which may omit important context or nuance that could be crucial for understanding the full scope of the conversation. This limitation could affect the model’s ability to fully comprehend and appropriately respond to more complex or detailed scenarios.
Lack of Demographic Information: The dataset does not include detailed demographic information about the users who generated the posts and comments. This lack of metadata makes it challenging to analyze how responses may vary across different demographic groups, and limits the ability to account for or correct potential biases related to user backgrounds.
Annotation Subjectivity: Despite the use of guidelines, the annotation process is inherently subjective. Different annotators may interpret the same post or comment differently, leading to inconsistencies in the labels. This subjectivity could influence the performance of models trained on the dataset, especially in tasks requiring nuanced understanding of emotional content.
Potential for Misuse: As with any dataset involving sensitive topics, there is a risk of misuse. Models trained on this data should not be deployed in critical settings without thorough evaluation and safeguards to prevent harm. For instance, using such models in mental health support contexts without proper oversight could lead to inappropriate or harmful advice being given to users.
Additional Information
Dataset Creators
The dataset was created by Yonatan Koifman, Yael Hari, and Yahav Cohen as part of a project for the NLP Research course at the Data Science & Decisions Faculty at the Technion.
Contributions
Special thanks to Or Cohen, Or Dado, Kere Gruetke, and Tal Shalom for being the external annotators of our dataset.
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