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{title:Curb Your Dragon} Okay, Alex, change me back. Oh, but Daddy, you look so cute as a goat. Let's make him eat a tin can. Not funny, Max. Alex, change me back. Okay, okay. Huminoza espinoza - We really got your goat, huh, Dad? - Got your goat. That's it. You just laughed your way into one hour of study hall, starting now. - Let's go. - We didn't even And that means working on your wizard homework and not messing around. Who's laughing now, huh? There's something wrong with that spell. Or maybe it's me. No, it's gotta be the spell. Okay. What are you doing on the wizard computer? Yeah, we're supposed to be doing our homework, not surfing the World Wide Wiz Web. l have to do a little shopping. l like to look good when l'm doing my homework. Oh, this place has the best no-trip high heels. No matter how high the heels are, it's impossible to twist your ankle. l have to try some on. They were cuter on-screen. Oh, look, here's something for Justin. Check it out. Mini-dragons for sale. Okay, no. l'm getting out of here because l don't wanna get involved. Oh, that is the cutest little dog l've ever seen. Hey, boy. Not only is he cute, but he's also a dragon. That's right, a mythical creature and a dog combined. Now tell me, how many would you like? We're just looking. What would it take for me to get you involved in one of these marvelous little dragon-dogs today? l don't get it. ls it a dragon or is it a dog? lt was charmed to look like a dog so it could exist in the real world. Now, beat it, kid. l'm in the middle of a sale. Okay, how are we gonna have a dragon-dog? Mom would totally freak out. Wait. lf you guys buy right now, l will throw in a smoke detector, and a small device that cuts tomatoes. You mean, like a knife? Kid Here's a roll of quarters. Knock yourself out. - With what? - The quarters. He seems friendly. l bet you he's not much of a guard dog. - That is awesome. - l like him. He's feisty. Dragon in a beagle suit, what's the big deal? l'll tell you what the big deal is. This dog-dragon is on sale for 5 million cubicks. And because you have a coupon-- Here, take that. --it's 20 percent off. Dude, you should totally get him. He's on sale. Plus he'll throw in a ''tomato'' slicer. l'm sorry. l'm can't get another dog again. No way. - Not after what happened with Willie. - Wait, who's Willie? He's the dog we had when you were a baby. Oh, no, here comes the tears. Or as Justin calls them, his ''allergies.'' When l was 7, he got lost, and l swore l'd never love another dog again. l gotta go. My allergies are acting up, so l'll take him. Justin's gonna love me for this. But Justin just said that he doesn't want a dog. - Trust me, Justin wants a dog. - Trust her, Justin wants a dog. Here's 5 million cubicks in U.S. currency. Oh, l know the exchange rate. l order from the Abercrombie and Witch catalog all the time. Good. Your five-second warranty just ended right now. Well, let's go find a cute doggie sweater to match that cute doggie face. Come on. Come on, doggie. My dog burnt my homework. That'll be a new one. Justin, you're gonna love this. Close your eyes. Okay, but l'm not gonna taste anything. Ta-da. Alex, what's that dragon-dog doing here? l told you, l don't want another pet. Well, l think you do, and so did the dragon seller. Of course he did, he's a dragon seller. And besides, what are you gonna tell Mom and Dad? Mom and Dad don't have to know he's a dragon. l'll say l found a dog. Because it's a dog and it looks like a dog, that barks fire. Okay, l appreciate what you're trying to do for me here, but l can't go down this path again. And besides, you know about my allergies. lt's crying. l'm allergic to sadness. Look, l know losing Willie broke your heart. But the truth is, he didn't run away and get lost. He got out because Because l kind of let him out. lt was you? Mom and Dad told me it was the pizza delivery guy. l haven't eaten pizza in, like, eight years. Don't be mad. l was 5. l wanted to take Willie for a walk, and he wanted to go for a run. You're saying you feel guilty? Rarely, but yes. All right. Hey, buddy. That's a good boy. Oh, he just did that thing with his nose like Willie did. Do you like your new home, boy? He can nod. Thanks, Alex. He's awesome. - l love a good lunch rush. - Me too. l just wish everyone wouldn't show up at once. What's that? A dog. Just a dog. Yeah, what's it doing here? l found it wandering alone in Waverly Place. Lonely, looking for a home. Looking for a half-Latino family. lt's destiny. We have to keep him. Hey, buddy. How you doing, boy? - Good boy. Speak. - No, don't speak. Don't speak. - Why not? - Because if he speaks, there'll be fire. - What? - What? What Max is trying to say, is that he's saving his voice for those barking-dog albums. He does a mean Bon Jovi. Well, see, he's multi-talented. l think we should keep him, Theresa. Oh, we can't keep a lost dog. Someone's probably out of their mind looking for him. Oh, that is so true. You're right, Mom. And we should probably put fliers up in the city so we can find its rightful owner. Really? But he's so cute. Come on, Alex. You pick now to be responsible? Absolutely. We'll scour the city for the owner. And on the off chance that we come up short, only then can we keep the dog. That's very mature, Alex. l'm proud of you. Oh, so that's been your plan all along, huh? Play with my fragile heart and then crush it? What happens if the rightful dog owner comes along and sees the lost-dog sign? No one's gonna claim it, because it's not lost or a dog. And you're the smart one? You're right. l'm sorry. l'm just a little panicked over what happened with Willie. Let it go. l was 5. As long as he's here, what should we call it? Oh, l know, here's an idea. Spot. No, wait, Paws. Patches. l think we should call it Dragon. - What? Why would we call it that? - Yeah, why? Because it's a dragon. l swear l didn't say anything. lts name is right here on its tag. lts name is Dragon. The name Dragon is on its tag. l love the name Dragon. Good eye, Mom. lt's like it was meant to be. Okay, let's talk about something else now. Hey, Charlie, can l hang one of these found-dog signs on your stand? What's in it for me, sweetheart? Where's Charlie? Let's just say Charlie went to the bank to get the candy he owes me. And by ''candy,'' l mean money. Yeah, l kind of figured that when you said ''bank.'' Can l hang one of these signs on your stand? l'll give you a Bronxstrami Swiss on rye. How about a Bronxstrami Swiss and a kiss? How about a Bronxstrami Swiss and a bowl of soup? Cup of soup, foot-long, no cheaping out on the cheese. And a meaningful hug. No hug. Done. You'll come around. They always do. Well, l don't know who they are, but l'm not one of them. He's just like Willie. He likes dog treats, squeak toys and toilet water. He ate a squeak toy. That's okay, Dragon. You're still the best. Oh, let me get a picture of you, boy. Sit. This will go great in the activities chapter of the photo album l'm putting together. Cute pup. What's his name? Dragon. Not because he is a dragon. No, because there's no such thing as dragons. l should stop talking. - Does he fetch? - No, he doesn't fetch. - You probably don't want to do that. - Go get it, Dragon. Were those wings? Oh, yeah, good one, Frankie. - A dog with wings. - Yeah. Dragon is just like Michael Jordan. Every once in a while, a superstar comes along and elevates the whole game. - Why is it burnt? - lt's not burnt. lt's just like toast. You just brush off all the black stuff, and it's good as new, see? All right. lt works for now. But something doesn't smell right on Waverly Place. You leave the borough, you check in with me. That was a close call. We gotta train Dragon to act like a normal dog. Oh, there's a cat. Go get him. Not you, Dragon. All right. Hey. Stay down. He did it. But it was kind of cooler when he would-- Don't say F-L-Y around him. F-L-Y? Oh, fly. - Fly. - Boy, it's so hot out here. Fly. Fly. - What? - Oh, nothing. Said there's a lot of flies out here. - Where? - Not up there, l meant ants. Flying ants. l hate ants. You know, there was this one time your father fell asleep with a Danish on his chest, and in the morning-- We know, we know, he had an ant beard. Go, go. - Fly, fly. - Go get the ant spray. Man, we are lucky that the word ''fly'' came up a lot in conversation. Please tell me that was slobber. Okay. That was slobber. Come on, guys. We gotta go check on Dragon. Yeah, we've never left him home alone before. Hey, guys, l'm sure he's just fine. And if anyone messed with him, he'd just breathe fire. - Yeah, that's what we're worried about. - What? l thought we just didn't want him to take leaks in the house. Hey, guys. Gotta go check on Dragon. - Wait, Justin. - Justin. - l'll go tell him. - What's the matter? Those fliers you put up worked. Dragon's rightful owner came by and picked him up while you kids were at school. What rightful owner? Hey, guys. Where's Dragon? His owner claimed him. - His owner? - Honey, l'm so sorry. l know how much you loved him. He's gone? There's so much we didn't get to do. Justin, l'm sorry. Thanks a lot. This is why l didn't wanna get close to another dog. You did it to me again. You lost your found dog? Why don't you rest your head on Frankie's shoulder and tell him all about it? l would, but l don't have time for you to get a ladder. This is serious. Someone claimed Dragon. But whoever it was wasn't the real owner. That's weird, because he looked like a dog lover. You saw him? Who was he? You got a meatball sub with my name on it? l'll give you the bread now and you'll get your meatballs after we find the dog-napper. The guy came out with your dog and bought this. A program for the Hudson Dog Show. The Hudson Dog Show? When is it? Why don't you buy a copy and find out? l have to buy it? Do l come into your restaurant, lick a sandwich and leave? Zinger! That'll be $8, please. Okay. lt's today. l'd like to return this for a refund. Zinger! May l help you? Yeah, can l get a hound of corned beef. - l'm sorry, did you say ''hound''? - No. Man, everything reminds me of Dragon. - Everything. - That's rough. ''Rough.'' That's what he used to say. - A pound of corned beef coming up. - Thank you. Max, can you go in the back and grab some more to-go pups? - ''Pups''? - No. To-go cups. All he can think about is Dragon. Justin, Max, you're coming with me. We're getting Dragon back. - Dad, we're taking our lunch break. - Come on, guys. Hurry. ''Furry.'' He was so furry. l miss him. - Three tickets for the dog show, please. - lt's sold out. - What? - Apparently, a lot of people like watching dogs run around on plastic grass. No dog, no way in. Large fries. See if there's a toy included. Over. Alex will talk us in. She's a master. l totally understand. Come on, guys, it's not happening. What? That's it? We're not getting my dog back? Of course we're getting your dog back. We just need to get a dog first. Where are we gonna find a dog without an owner? lt worked. We're in. - Let's get Max. - Okay. Okay. Huminoza espinoza Being a dog is weird. All you wanna do is just chase your tail. l don't think l got the spell quite right. What makes you say that? l can still smell everything. Half of it l wanna put in my mouth. - Look. There he is. - Dragon? And the dragon seller. He stole Dragon back. - He's a con wizard. - Come on, let's go get Dragon. Hey, you're a thief. You sold us that dog and then stole it back. lt's the circle of life, children. We want our dog back. Look, kid, you played the game and you lost. You know what? You go home, and the money you spent on the dog was a lesson well learned. You're welcome. No deal. We're taking Dragon home. l don't think so. Look, he's gone. Oh, he's not gone. He's still here. l can smell him. All we have to do is get Max to smell the beagles. How do you know he's still a beagle? l changed him from a dragon into a beagle, l can change him into any dog that l want. l can change him into a terrier mix, into an lrish bloodhound, or to whatever that is. Oh, it's not that. That is a rat with a blow-dry. Max, can you sniff out Dragon? l can try. Nope. Not this one. Oh, definitely not this one. Are you through, freak? Bob, bring around the security trailer. l got a sniffer. Great, how are we gonna find Dragon now? Our sniffer just got thrown in dog-show jail. Oh, l know. Dragons don't chase cats. lf we had a cat, all the dogs would go wild chasing it, except for Dragon. l'm on it. l'll change myself into a cat. - But you always mess up the spell. - Do you have a better idea? Didn't think so. Animoza espinoza How do l look? Cute, huh? - Oh, a tiger! - Tiger? ls that a tiger? l think you messed up the spell again. Oh, no. l'm the tiger. l gotta get that spell right. Bob, bring the catnip. All of it. Make sure l get extra ketchup. Bob? Bob? Dragon. Oh, good boy. Okay, l left him a beagle, and you found him. Good work, Velma and Shaggy. Come on. That's scary. - l still know it's you, kid. - lt's worth a shot. Huminoza espinoza Would you like to excuse yourself to a litter box? We're kind of busy. You know, l'd like to stay and chat, but l've got a dog here l have to sell. Again and again and again. Not so fast. Look, you were right before. We've learned our lesson. No hard feelings. l have hard feelings. We're just kids, and we should probably thank someone like you for giving us street smarts and making us more cautious with future purchases. Yeah. l am a pretty good teacher. So thank you, and have a good day. But don't forget your cage. You know, l never thought l would say this to a customer, but it has been a pleasure scamming you. What are you doing? You let him get away with Dragon. You're right. l'm sorry. Now all you have is - Dragon. - Dragon. Alex, how did you do that? l just made him take the wrong cage, like l do with you guys and our lunches. But who'd he take? The blow-dried rat. l saw the cage right there, l thought on my feet, and l out-conned the con wizard. l'm good. Hairball. Yeah, you're just that good. So Dragon is really a dragon? Amazing. Actually, there are a lot of secret dragons. No, that in a family of wizards, l didn't see that coming. Stupid, stupid, stupid. - So can we keep him? - Oh, l don't know, honey. Max will feed him every day, and Justin will give him a bath and walk him. What will you do? l'm doing it. l'm coordinating what you guys do. Actually, pets do teach responsibility. Jerry, you leave wet towels on the bed every day. Fine, l'll air-dry. Can we keep him? Well, l don't see what harm he could do. Come on, Dragon, let's go up to my room. Man. This time, Jerry, you can blame a dog. This time.

{title:Halloween} One, two, three, four. I declare thumb war. Come on, lefty. Grab his hang nail. Grab his hang nail. Ow! [laughs] Cheater. [Theresa] Alex! I hope you unloaded the dishwasher like I told you to. Shoot. I, I did! [chuckles] Alex, you know how I feel about you using magic in the house! Mom, you know how I feel about the dishwasher. When we need a dish, we could just take it out. And then when we're done, put it back in. And how would we know which ones are clean and which ones are dirty? [scoffs] You smell them. Like your father does with his shirts? You two are disgusting. This is going to be the best Halloween yet. I've got a great idea for our haunted house. [groans] Stop calling it a haunted house. It's not even scary. You just do stupid skits about making bad choices. OK. An amusement attraction that teaches people lessons about the gravity of life's decisions isn't stupid. Justin, you're a wizard. You could make the scariest haunted house of all time. Exactly. That's why this year's theme is: "Peer Pressure: When Good People Make Bad Choices." So I got a whole room where people are playing video games instead of doing homework. Then you get pressured into playing. Then we quickly act out how your life is gonna go. Video games. No homework. Flunk out. Beach hobo. Oh, I do love the beach. gonna be a breeze * * Well, you know everything's * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please it'll go to your head * * But you might find out * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * - OK Dad, are you ready? - Yes. Now remember, you're an eight year-old boy and it's your first time in the Worst-Case-Scenario Scare House. Here's a balloon to help you stay in character. Oh, can I have a red one? You're an eight year-old boy, you take what you get. Now, go. - But - Take it! OK. I see by the clock that it's past my bedtime, - and I haven't done my homework - And cue Harper. Hey, kid. How about you blow off your homework, stay up late and play a video game with us? What are you, scared? Ooh! And then I jump out from behind you, ha, with fake blood dripping down my pumpkin head. [scoffs] Everybody knows that pumpkins don't have blood, Max. Yes! What do you think they make the pies out of? - The inside stuff! - Halloween is not about pumpkins or blood or pies. It's about life lessons. Hello? [groans] I'm Mr. Evans of the Waverly Place Merchant's Association. As you know, the Waverly Place Halloween Fair - is a very important event tonight. - [Jerry] Mm-hmm. Frankly, your haunted house has been a disappointment since Forever. The Association took a vote and we're taking away your haunted house unless you make it scarier this year. You know, normally I wouldn't agree with people in ties, but Dave's got a point. You can't just take it away from us. Dad. Someone in a position of authority has spoken. No sense in fighting it. Pack it up, Harper. Looks like tonight we're doing a scary movie marathon. Hold on. Wait. You guys can't just give up. All Mr. Evans says is that he wants the haunted house to be scarier. Yes, much scarier. Like with ghosts and goblins and other things out of this world? Out of this world. Exactly. Rebel Russo here gets it. Jerry, this is your last shot at the haunted house. Unless you make it scary, you're done. [snaps fingers] OK, all right, good save. I'll give you that. But how are we going to do something that's out of this world? - [door closes] - Hmm. I don't know. Let's have a family meeting in our out of this world place. Dad! The lair. How can you guys not get what I was hinting at? I used air quotes around the words "out of this world"? Is that what that was? I thought that was the Teen Wolf dance. You know, the [howling] - Ignore him? - [all] Yes. Look, guys, I called this family meeting to talk about the haunted house. It can't be a family meeting without Mom. Who's gonna defend me when I try and take minutes? "2:10, Alex breaks pencil." Look, I was the one shooting my mouth off about how the haunted house needs to be scarier. Then some dude with a tie agreed with me. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna use magic to make it scary. If we're gonna use magic, then Mom cannot know about it. - That's why she's not here. - I noticed that, but I didn't want to say anything. You know what? Normally I say no to the sneaky use of magic. But we could lose the haunted house. Oh! I know! OK. We can use magic to shrink the people down so that when they come in, we'll be like giants trying to squish them. OK. We'll use magic on the haunted house. Good. But how are we gonna keep from actually squishing the people? We're not. That's what makes it scary. But your mom can't find out that we're using magic. OK, well [gasps] What about we get road kill and No. We can have a bleached cow skull that has, like No. At least let Harper and I go to the Ghost District in the wizard world and get some real ghosts. Ghosts? I like it. But not too scary. Fine. But just so you know, mildly scary ghosts leads to a mildly scary haunted house. It's not gonna be mildly scary, because we are gonna decorate the Sub Station really scary. [Dad] Come on! Whoo! Wow, who knew the ghost world was right underneath the cemetery? That didn't take long at all. Yep. Just as long as it takes to dig up a grave and jump. What are all these ghosts doing here? - Oh, they're training for Halloween. - [knocking] [British accent] Trick or treat, my dear. [blows whistle] My dear?! That's not the voice of someone trying to get enough candy in one night to last a whole year. Try it again. Candy's all ghosts can eat. Oh, no wonder they're so pale. Yeah. That and the dead part, so [mouthing] Oh. What do I do, Coach? I got my head in one hand and a pillowcase in the other. Use your head, Doug. OK, Coach. Ow, ow, ow. - Ow, ow, ow. - [banging continues] Watch me scare a ghost. - Hello! - [screams] [screams] - [screams] - [shrieks] - [Alex laughs] - Human alert! Everyone pretend you're alive. Oh, relax, relax. I'm a wizard. [sighs] We're looking for ghosts who are scary, but not too scary for our haunted house. I've got just what you need. Wally! Frank! Miss Chenowith! Fall in! Miss Chenowith knits with her own bony fingers. You want me to knit you a nice sweater? - You're hired. - Yes! Nice day. Forecast calls for Brain! That terrible joke was scary. You're hired. What about you, captain? What do you got? I tell scary sea lore. About sharks that eat ships and Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not feeling you. What about that creepy guy over there? Oh [stammers] You don't want Mantooth. He's too scary. Mantooth? That sounds familiar. Excuse me, um Did you use to haunt little kids while they slept? Hey, I'm a boogieman. I haunt kids. I scare babysitters. I throw shadows down the end of dark hallways. Maybe you've seen my work? [screams] He was the best. He scared this one kid well into his teens. The kid would just hold up his action figure and say, "Captain Jim Bob, protect me! Captain Jim Bob, protect me!" Oh my gosh, you're talking about my brother, Justin Russo. Crybaby Russo? I put that kid on my résumé! Dude! You're like my hero! Oh, you have to come back with us. Justin will freak out. Yeah, I do this crazy thing with my face that had him diving for the light switch. - Wanna see it? - [screams] I'm not doing it yet. Alex, we can't take him with us. That's exactly the kind of "too scary" we were told not to do. - No offense. - None taken. I'm dead. It's what I live for. Fine. All right, we'll take bony fingers, skull guy, and story dude. That reminds me of a scary story. There I was in a hot tub, the elastics on me swim trunks broke. Can we just go, please? Go! All right, Daddy. I got what you ordered. Ghosts you can bring home to Mom. Guys? Whoa. They look pretty good. Not too scary. You know, I never understood why they bury people with nice things. It's such a waste. Ahh, do you have the correct time? Mom! So, who do we have here? Mom, these are some people from the youth club place, who are here to help us actually with our haunted house. Yeah. They are going to pretend to be ghosts. Well, I wanna join the youth club place. Do you guys have a pool? Wow, you look so ghosty. We'll definitely be able to keep our haunted house with this crew. Come on, let's see you scare me. Um Why don't you take the crystal ball and tell her her fortune? Sorry, I have no muscles or ligaments. A pleasure to brain you. Sorry. Interesting. It was a dark and stormy night. I was getting a check up at the doctor's office. They had run out of toys at the reception desk, so I had to settle for a sticker. Hold on, hold on. This is it? These are our scary ghosts? Yeah? Excuse me. You know, I normally wouldn't condone this, but you might need to use a little [whispers] magic to come up with some scarier ghosts. Save your breath, Mom. I've been telling them this the whole time. Mom, these are real ghosts from the wizard world. What? So you went to the wizard world to get some scary ghosts and this was the best you could do? I know. I had to follow orders and get these losers. I was hoping for a guy with saws for hands, but no. Who gave you these orders? I can't hold it. She's gonna find out about the family meeting. - [gasps] - [Peter] Justin, don't worry. I'm the father of this family, and I will handle this. Alex called a family meeting without you. Dad hides cookies in his bathrobe! - We all know that, honey. - Oh! Look, normally I wouldn't be OK with this, but we need a scary haunted house in an hour. An hour?! [groans] I should have taken the earrings. You gotta go back to the wizard world and get us some scarier ghosts. You know what'll cheer everybody up? - Justin, give me a beat. - No. Good enough. [howling] Look, this is a matter of family pride, people, and we all know we haven't had that in a while. Max, stop dancing. Mom. Mom, I've got it! All this dancing just gave me an idea. - Oh, here we go. - Shh. Everybody. Everyone. - Let's see where this goes. - Thank you, Dad. Look, I've got a ghost costume that'll blow away those frauds. Check it out. [glass shatters] And it didn't go anywhere good. You need to get some scary ghosts. Oh, good idea. Should've thought of that one on my own. So does everybody like? Dad! We sent Alex to the Ghost World to save the day again. - What were we thinking? - I'm thinking I should've made this with air holes. This thing is hot. Evans is gonna be here any minute, guys. We're gonna have to do it ourselves. OK, Dad, you're the scary fortune teller. Mom, hide behind that statue. Harper, you lead the groups. Max, you're the ghost who jumps out at people. Yes. Let's scare those kids, Ricky. What? I named my mustache. Hey. Where is everybody? I need more ghosts. I need a pair of queens. And they can be really scary this time. Do you have a ghost with saws for hands? We're dead. We're not freaks. Everyone's gone. It's Halloween. They all went to the real world to get candy. Don't look at me. I have a massive headache. I hope it's nothing serious. Oh, come on, Doug. You're horrific and you are hired. Mantooth! Hey, I'm back. Check it out. a sign on it that said,h "Just take one." So, I did. OK, you're coming with me. I need you to do that thing with your face. Justin's just gonna have to man up. No, no, no! Not that way. I have to get some earrings. For my friend. I can't climb holding my head. Oh, gimme that. - [thud] - [Doug] Ow. Now I have something in my eye. Go on ahead. [dramatically] Welcome to the Waverly Sub Station House of Horrors. Hey, good. We're off to a good start. I like how you said, "House of Horrors" all funny. Thank you. Hey, kid, you getting all this? Follow me! Welcome to the creepy Sub Station. Whoo! Welcome. [evil laugh] I know, I see it. I see something in your future. Something frightening. [evil laugh] OK, you're a hobo on the back of a clown, looking at a head of lettuce. Jerry, I see something in your future, too, and it is also frightening. It is you bagging kettle corn at next year's Halloween festival. [sarcastic evil laugh] Geez, tough crowd. Follow me! And follow me, kiddies, to the Haunted Cemetery. Let's see what's behind this creepy tombstone. I said, "Tombstone!" Boo! I got you, babe. I'm Cher. Uh-huh. Fail! Boo! I'm the ghost of mustaches past! And a talking tablecloth. I'm trembling. Let's go. Hey! Hey, kids! You wanna hear the sound a skeleton makes when it's cold? [teeth chattering] Wouldn't that be better with a skull mask? That impairs my vision. I could trip and fall. [whispers] Don't tell the kids. This is so lame. Come on, come on. Hey, guys, I got something really scary. Oh, look. The rebel Russo's wearing a shirt that says, "Costume." It's so cool not to try, isn't it? Thank you for noticing. I think you'll enjoy this. Mantooth? - Mantooth? - [Mantooth laughs eerily] Mr. Evans, watch this. You're gonna freak out. What are you doing here? I'm not here to hide under your bed. I'm here to save your haunted house. But he turns his face into this horrendous demon and pops out these vicious claws and grabs you - while shrieking in your ears. - That's exactly what we need. Well, is he gonna do it or isn't he?! [ominous laughter] Boogaly, boogaly, boogaly, ha! Captain Jim Bob, protect me! Oh, I should have known. Your incredibly scary ghost turns out to be Fingerhole eye guy. I don't know how much more of this horror I can take. Let's go. That's not scary enough for you? I've got a scarier face. Want to see it? Yes. Do it. [creepy laughter] - Boogaly, boogaly, boogaly - Not that thing. They all start that way. Boogaly, boogaly, boogaly, boogaly - [roars] - [kids shrieking] You're all sick, you're sick people! This haunted house is closed forever. Wait a minute! You said you wanted scary, we gave you scary! Yes. Kids want to be scared, not scarred for life. You're done. I'll see you in the kettle corn stand next year. You know what's great about this? Even though we failed, we failed together. You know, we all had a little hand in this blow up. And I am so, so grateful that I got to contribute. I mean, I'm proud. You know what? Alex is right. I'm proud of us, too. I mean, look at this place. We did this. Quick family meeting. We never send Alex to do anything ever again. All in favor? [all] Aye. Let's go get some candy. - All right, what ya got? - I got this watch that doesn't work two earrings, and a picture of a dog in a frame. Mmm. I'll trade you this necklace, a ring, and a glass eye for the picture of the dog. Done. [sighs] I love Halloween.

{title:Doll House} I cannot believe my Captain JimSpace Command Moduleuse was appraised at $400. Yeah, but then you fainted and squashed one of the space cows. Now it just looks like space road kill. Hey, guys. I was just cleaning out the some cool stuff.ound Justin, here's your scooter. Weren't you looking for it? Yeah, when you hid it from me when I was eight. [gasps] My old Shaun Cassidy poster! Who put lipstick on? Oh, yeah. Never mind. Hey, Dad, isn't this yours? [gasps] Ooh! My football phone. Wait a minute. Why would you be cleaning out the basement? You don't clean out anything. What are you up to? Come on, tell me. Nothing. Nothing. I just I just think that in these tough times, families have forgotten what really matters. And I'll tell you what really matters. Each other. And do you know how we celebrate each other? With tokens from our past memories. - Nice! - No way. Best performance by a daughter in a nonsense role! That was amazing! [clang] - [clang] - Aah! - [clang] - Aah! - [clang] - Chihuahua! Ah, now we get the truth. Her own art studio. Alex, you think you can clear out the basement and make it your own space without asking us? My old yearbook! Who wants to see my old hair? Sick, Dad. Is that where you ke[gags] This is just another one of her decoys so no one will stop her from getting the basement. Look at her. See? Decoy. She knows that someone else of the basement,g someone with a very valuable Sherwood collection that should be kept in environment. Just sayin'. Hold on right there. - No one is getting the basement. - That's right. This is where we keep all the stuff that we don't let each other keep upstairs. Knock it off! gonna be a breeze * * Well, you know everything's * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please it'll go to your head * * But you might find out * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Harper, what happened? Did you wear your walnut hat near the park? Did the squirrels attack you? No. I'm moving. - What? - What do you mean you're moving? My dad got transferred to Pittsburgh. Harper, you're my best friend. You can't leave. What about school? I would stay and finish sin town, but we don't. I mean, we do, but they won't tell us where they live. Well, we're your family, too. That's right, Harper. We're here for you. Because you're always here for us. Always here always. Hey, you know what we should do? We should let Harper move into the basement. It would be great for me. Us. Her. Really? Well, lefor permission. Mom, you were right. They did ask. OK, bye. She said yes. Group hug! You and your mom manipulated us. Looks like you are part of this family. Well, if you're gonna be a part of this family, you should know that we don't group hug. Aww. It's already feeling like home. This is so heavy. This is gonna be so great, Harper. I know. Two best friends sharing the load. It'll be great. So, my easel is here. And my paints are right there. And my canvases are up here. Oh, and Harper You can sleep in the corner behind the water heater. Warm and cozy. Really? Oh, yeah. You need your art studio more bed or breathable air. I'll just sleep on a towel or possibly standing up, like a horse! Yeah, no, that'd be great. take up too much room. No, I'm trying to tell you that you're being selfish. Harper, I'm letting you How is that selfish?io. - Alex! - OK, OK, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really glad you're gonna be living here, Harper. Now come on, let's clear out and set up your room. Let me know when you're done. Just kidding! Sorry! Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, isn't this we used to play with? Aww, it looked when we were little. Yeah. Man. If only at age five I knew I was a wizard I would have shrunk myself down and Hmm. Oh, no. Did you just go "hmmm"? Yes, I did, Harper. And I wish you would stop being so afraid of my "hmmms." One of these days my "hmmm" is gonna be something great. Let's see if it's today. Do we have to? Shrinka dink, shrinka dank, shrinka dunk I guess we do. [Alex] This is My very own art studio. [Harper] To make teeny-tiny art?! Cool. Hey, if I stick can you paint my nails? Won't it look weird if someone walks in and sees you? Eh! They'll mostly be looking at this anyway. Jerry, take 'em off. I'm throwing them out. But what if I want to go to the gym? What if I want to stop in this neighborhood? Fine. Then you have to throw out those love poems about Shaun Cassidy. - Who snitched? - A little birdie told me. Excuse me, I'm more like an eagle or a hawk. Caw! Wait. I just told you I was the snitch, didn't I? I'll find my own punishment. Hey, Dad, can I borrow those pants and a camera? That was a good one, honey. Justin. Um I'm no expert about collectible toys. Thank goodness for that. But shouldn't you store that away somewhere? Dad, two things. One, side comments to yourself. And two, I've decided to sell my Captain Jim Bob Space Command Module. - Why? - Because the other person shouldn't hear your side comment. Turning your head lowering your voice No. Why are you selling it? I know I would. I'm selling it because I still heard that. I don't have basement to store it in. Keeping it just wouldn't be fair to the plastic. Oh, we have a customer. Nice sweatshirt. See, now that was a good side comment because he didn't hear you. Good. - Are you Randy? - Yeah, I'm Randy. I heard your side comment about my sweatshirt. I'll get it! Well, here it is. [chuckles] "Immaculate condition," in my auction ad. Oh, which also says, "Appraised for $300." - Hmm. - Wow. I'll give you $75 for it. Seventy-five dollars?! [laughs] Cute. I should charge you $75 just for looking at it. Well, it is obvious that somebody fell on it - and squashed the- [scoffs]s. - Call me when you wake u- [scoffing]dream. Yeah, well, your Captain an iron-on, not an original! Yeah. Some people just don't understand fashion. Harper, I love your new bedroom, but [whispers] aren't these headless mannequins gonna freak you out at night? Yeah, I put heads on them before I go to bed. I should probably takes them to Pittsburghad instead of taking my mom. He likes them better 'cause they don't talk back. OK, well, I'll be in my art studio. Shrinka dink, shrinka dank, shrinka dunk Harper's room looks great. Ooh! A pretzel dress. This dress could use a little more salt. Come on, we still got a lot of stuff to throw out. Oh, look! It's Alex's old dollhouse. So many memories. We can get rid of that, too, huh? Whoa. Wait! Harper! Harper! Wait! Wait! Ohh! Oh, no! - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Russo. - Hi, Olive. How's your dad's produce stand? Fine, thank you. Oh, Mr. Russo, here's your bag you use for lettuce. Shh! [chuckles] She's so cute. That's a really pretty dollhouse, Mrs. Russo. Is it yours? Mine? Oh, no, honey. It's Alex's. She's too old now, so we're gonna get rid of it. Really? May I have it? Oh, of course. And you know what? It comes with a cHere you go.p. Thank you so much! Oh, [chuckles] you can't hBut that's all yours.. Harper, I know you and Alex when you were little,is but don't you want someone else to enjoy it now? No. Harper, we already gave it to Olive. Can I at least look for sentimental reasons. Harper, I dropped my wand and it rolled out the door when we were I'm in so much trouble. I'll go get Justin. Come on, Senorita Kitty! Get Justin? Why? Uh 'cause he loved this dollhouse, too. [Alex] Harper! Don't go ask Justin for help. I'm gonna try to fix this myself. Now, please go and try to find in the basement. Hurry! And remind me to always before I come in here. Justin! Justin! I need your help! Shh! I have to concentrate. I'm trying to restore my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood FarmModule's space cows to bring it back to its full $400 value. - Now steady - Oh, just gimme that! Harper! What are you doing? No, you're not Wow, it's perfect. You're really good at that. I paint mountain scenes Of course I'm good at it. Now listen, Alex turned into an art studio, and shrunk herself to work in it, but your mom and dad down the street.tle girl Just tell her to use her wand to reverse the spell. Oh, I left out a part. She lost her wand in the I can't find it.ed everywhere. [sighs] OK, I'll go. I'll fix it. [chuckles] Oh, I kinda left out another part. I wasn't supposed to ask for your help. - What? fix this on her own. But, come on, she can't fix this. So, are you gonna help me help her or not? OK, OK, uh I'll do both. I'll help her by not helping her. If I don't help her, a better wizard. So, I'm not gonna help her. Which will help her. What?! [groans] If you weren't so darn cute, I'd be mad at you right now. - Harper - Uh-uh! Shh, shh! Rowrr! Look what I found under my bed. A very valuable collector's item. Max, that's a paper plate piled high with trash. Yeah, I had it appraised. Now it's worth $250. Who would pay you $250 for that? This bargain hunter right here. I mean, unless someone was willing to pay 260 then I would go to 275. Max, why would you bid against yourself on something you already own Hmm. - A bidding war! - Sold. You owe me 275. Where is it? [Olive] I know you're in here. [groans] Your hair is so tangled! Maybe we should just cut it all off and glue some yarn on. [Alex] Ow! Ow! Ow! Hi, Olive. How are you? Fine. Are you gonna try and take my dollhouse? I'm sorry about that. Um, why don't we be friends and maybe we can schedule one of those "play dates"? Really? I have to ask my mom because she told me from the weird girl. Well maybe she meant someone else. Aren't you the one who wears a hat made of walnuts? Well, I, uh, I did what you said, Randy. I thought about your offer, and $75 sounds pretty good. Then we have a deal. That we do. Because $75 [laughs] sounds pretty good. Oh, giant dog who waterskis, you've done it again. - Seventy-five dollars! - Oh, hey! Is that a Colonel Jim Bob - Captain! - Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Barnyard Command Module? Oh. Well, it's in great shape. - Are you selling it? - Uh, yeah, but I just bought it for $75. Really? I'll pay you more. - A hundred dollars. - Hey, hey! We were making a deal here. Yes, we were, but now there's someone else here offering $100. - One-twenty-five. - One-fifty. Do I hear - One-seventy-five. - One-seventy-five. Signal with the index. - One-seventy-five is the current offer. - Two hundred. - Two hundred - Two-fifty! - Two-seventy-five! - Slow down, boys. - You want to bait the bidder Three hundred dollars! - Three-ninety-five! You can't find my wand? Can't you see what Olive is doing to me? I know, and I'm kind of jealous. I've been trying for years to get you to wear a pretty dress like that. [groans] She is pulling all of my hair out with her cat's brush! The dress is bad enough. I don't want to be a bald doll! Look, I really tried to figure this out on my own, but I just don't know what to do. You're gonna have to ask Justin for help. Right. About that, I kind of already did. I told you not to! But I guess you knew I couldn't figure this out on my own, right? - I'm sorry. - That's OK. You're right. So what's Justin gonna do to help me? Nothing. He said he's helping you with your wizard studies by not helping you. Apparently he thinks you can fix this on your own and, man, is he alone in that. He actually thinks I can fix this on my own? [chuckles] Wow. What kind of jacked double-reverse psychology is he pulling?! Where is he? He just sold his Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Farmhouse Space Command Module. Apparently a guy paid a lot of money for it. So Justin's got money, huh? Well, then he's about to help me whether he likes it or not. I can't believe you're gonna buy my dollhouse for so much money! [whimpers] I can't believe it either! But it has a lot of, uh, sentimental value. Hmm. It's practically family - [groans] - [Alex] Whoa, whoa! You owe me a lot of allowances. - [clang] - [grunts] [Alex laughing] Ow! [exhales] Thank goodness I'm me again. Well, a gross version of me. Wait! Don't change until I get my giant teddy bear and my tea set. Kitty, it's gonna be an all-girl tea party! Well Thank you, Justin. I will pay you back the money. [grunts] No, you won't. I know, but the "thank you" was real. Wait! Where are you going? This is the part where we fight it out until I win. I lost $400. You already won. No! I won because I wanted to fix this on my own, but I couldn't until you made me. And, now, I'm a better wizard for it. No, it was my money. I fixed it. But it was my idea. This isn't about the money. The important thing is, is that it's all better now. So you can say "You're welcome." For what?! I'm out $400! [laughs] There you go! There's the fight I was looking for. Don't you feel better? Hmm Fine. [groans] Ooh, Justin, you're hurting me. Yeah. I do feel better now. Thank you. Three hundred eighty, three hundred ninety four hundred dollars. Well, Olive, there you go. Your very own collectible plate of garbage. So you ended up with all of my money? You should've bought the plate of collectible garbage when you had the chance. Come on, man. I'll buy you a sandwich. You don't even know how to spend the money right! We get sandwiches for free!

{title:Daddy's Little Girl} Morning, sweetie. Are you ready to go to our favorite breakfast place, Nuttin' But Flapjacks? It's the only good reason to get up before noon, Daddy. Why do you guys even like that place? It truly is nothing but flapjacks. You have to bring your own butter and syrup. Because it is our monthly father/daughter tradition. And we use the leftover pancakes to make masks, and scare people on the subway. That's right. Arrgh! You guys are the pancake-faced monsters? Hey guys, look what Max is wearing. Take your jacket off and show 'em. No, Mom. Come on. Isn't it bad enough that I'm trapped inside this little girl body that doesn't even burp on command? Max, I'm sorry Justin turned you into a little girl. You did this to me, too. And let me tell you, it feels great not being the only one in trouble for once. I dug out my favorite Alex-little-girl clothes, and they fit perfectly. Oh, come on, show them! Ohh! I remember Alex in this outfit. You're even cuter than she was. I don't see it. Aww. You're so little, with the ooh, and the aww! She's just so huggable! Wow, they really seem to miss having a little girl in the house. I'm the little girl in the house, OK? My dad and I are about to go on our father/daughter pancake breakfast. Ho! Look at the pouty face. Mmm! Come on, Max, let's go get some breakfast, and have a man to boy- trapped-in-a-little-girl talk. Let's go. But, Dad, what about our pancake breakfast? We'll do it next month. Alex, I think you're being replaced as Daddy's little girl. Please. I am Daddy's little girl. That is Daddy's little freak. Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems OK, Alex, check it out. I found one of my old outfits for Max. Harper, what are you doing? He's cute enough already. Do you think that' fit me though? Well, look who just made herself a peanut butter and jealous sandwich. I'd be upset, but you know I don't make my own sandwiches. Hey, Max, it's your turn to clean the fryer. Get on it. - Fine. - Oh. Alex, he's just a little girl. You do it. Yeah, I'm a little girl. I can't clean a fryer. I probably can't do a lot of things anymore. - Right, Daddy? - Oh He's doing to you exactly what you used to do to me. Hmm, looks like the little girl shoe is on the other foot, and it fits well. All right, Harper. Let me go teach you how to clean the fryer. Wait, why me? Because I'm too busy being jealous. See, Max? It's not so bad being a little girl. I got you out of your chores. OK, what do you want to do next? Well, I want to go to my karate class, but I can't go down there with these little hands. I mean, they look like they belong on a squirrel. You can still go down. Just tell them you're a new student. Justin'll take you. No, I can't, Dad. That's a bad part of town. Not a good idea. Seriously, dude? Come on, I'll hold your hand if it makes you feel better. Well, you don't need to hold my hand, little miss, because I have a panic button on my keychain. Hey Justin, what's up? Who's this cute little girl? What cute little girl? Oh, that cute little girl. Well, uh, this is our cousin From North Dakota. She lives with us now. Because her parents went on a long trip To South Dakota. OK, I just wanted to know her name. - Max. - Ine. Maxine is her name. Maxine?! Come on, that's such a girly name. Yes, it is. For a little girl. We gotta go. Maxine. That sounds an awful lot like Max, which makes me wonder why he's not here right now. Oh, for the love of truth and justice, don't you and Harper have some clogging shindig to go to? It's called the Gaelic Clog Dancing Exhibit and Luncheon. D'uh! Oh, my gosh, I was right? And I don't want to miss a minute of it. Come on. Uh, Harper, you have to make sure that Zeke stays away from here until we figure out how to turn Maxine back into Max. OK, but it's not gonna be easy. He really loves hanging out here. Watch. Hey, what's taking so long? The sooner we leave, the sooner we can come back here and hang out! - Hello, meditating man. - Shh! This is Maxine. Shh! She'd like to sign up for one of your classes. In my dojo, we do not sign up for class, we become the class. Class? There is no one here. Regardless, can Maxine become the class? Of course. After she proves she is worthy. Please take off your shoes. It's a dojo, dude. Don't call me "dude." Whoo! You still have Max's feet. Thanks for noticing my foot stink. I call it "fink." My hours of meditation prevent me from smelling that fink. Now, remember, Maxine, karate is not a way to fight, but a means to find inner peace, as I have. Please demonstrate where karate is in you. Would you mind helping? I, uh, I don't fight girls. It's not something that I do. If you and I were to throw down I know you got a black belt Whoa! Hey! Yes! A little girl kicking butt? Gotta love that! Let's see what else you got. Where is your inner peace, meditation man?! And I call this last move, "payback for naming me Maxine." Yes! I don't know what's worse. The fink or the pain. Thanks for taking me to the clogging festival, Zeke. No problem. Sorry you took that clog to the nog. That's why they have that yellow line around the dancers. You shouldn't have stepped on it. No, wait! Stop! Yeah, you can't go in there. Why not? We always hang out at the sub shop. Well, maybe we should try something new, like hanging out at the produce stand. - Yeah. - Oh, no. Mr. Chung doesn't like it when I buy one grape at a time. And why should I overeat? Wait, stop! It's closed. Now it's closed. No, no, no! Stop! You really can't go in there. Why not? Because Because, um Mr. and Mrs. Russo hate you! What? They hate me? Are you sure? Aw, of course, you're sure! Why would you say it if it wasn't true? Wait, Zeke! Come back! It's family church camp all over again! Alex, is that shirt the lady bug skirt you wore to kindergarten? Oh, is it? Huh! I just found it in my closet and casually threw it on. Mija, I know a lot of women that dress too young for their age, and it's it's gross. Wait a second. You're making your father's favorite sandwich, huh? And wearing clothes from when you were little. Are you trying to get his attention? No. And I'd prove it, except I'm in a hurry. Dad's not gonna love me more if his sandwich is cold. Hey, Daddy. I made you a sandwich. And, I put six meatballs in there. Ohh! I'm impressed. Mmm! That is delicious! - Thank you, sweetie. - Mm-hmm. Guess what happened at karate today, Dad. I used my stinky feet to rearrange Justin's face. Smell his face. Oh, there's nothing cuter than a little girl kicking butt. That's what the sensei said. What is so cute about that? I can't help it if people think I'm cute. Watch how I make it work for me. - So - Oh, thank you. Daddy, do you want to take me out for some ice cream? Sure, I'm not doing anything. But, Daddy, you didn't finish this very delicious sandwich I made you. I've lost my appetite. It kind of smells like Justin's face in here. Come on, sweetie. All right, that's it. Max is replacing me as Daddy's little girl, and I'm not gonna let him get away with it. Dad didn't even care that that little girl showed me parts of my body I can only see with a mirror. So may I take your order? Is Mom wearing one of your skirts as a shirt? Yeah, I don't know where she got that idea from. Zeke? What are you doing here? Oh, just making breakfast for the Russes to get them to stop hating me. Oh, good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Russo! Some breakfast? - Yes, enjoy. - Oh, um Thanks, Zeke. It's, uh, a surprise. Oh, look at that. There's ketchup with my potatoes. Fancy. Oh, no, the ketchup's mixed in with the eggs! I am a failure! Zeke, are you all right? Of course I'm not all right! You guys hate me. Harper told me everything. Harper, can we talk over here, please? What is Zeke doing here? You were supposed to keep him away from Maxine. I tried, but he wouldn't give up. And I kind of panicked and told him that you guys hate him. Zeke listen. There's been a misunderstanding. Huh. We do not hate you. Of course, you hate me. And I figured out why. I'm a taker. I just come in and take, take, take. I need to be a giver. Which is why I made you breakfast from food that I took from you. Dang it, aw! Now, I hate me. That's it. I'm not gonna leave here until I get you all to like me. Oh. What's up, Zekester? Max used to call me that. Where is Max anyway? We've got to get Maxine to karate practice. Oh, ho, ho. I get it. The old "karate practice" excuse. Come on, Harper, come with us. Who knows what you'll tell Zeke next? But I'm still in my pajamas. Oh! What am I saying? I wore a rack of lamb hat the other day. Aw, this is worse than I thought! I'm driving you away from your own home! Oh, man! Alex, there's nothing in these books to change Max back. - What are you doing? - This fly is driving me crazy. Just use the flyswatter spell. What?! There is a spell for that? There's a spell for everything except how to change our little brother back into himself. Fly swat now rot. That was awesome! Ew, there's fly guts. Get it off me. I don't know what to do, Alex. There's nothing in any of these books that says anything about reversing what we did to Max. Reverse? Well, then, that's what we should do. Do the spells, but in reverse. I'll do the spell you did, and you do the spell I did. , I don't know. Colliding spells can be unpredictable. He could end up as something gross, like a ogre. I'm cool with that. I am too, let's do it. - Zeke! - Hey, guys! Just helping your parents out with the laundry. Hey Justin, these Captain Jim Bob Sherwood boxers look like they've seen their last mission. I have been looking for those! Alex If Zeke is here when Maxine gets home, we won't be able to cast the spell on her. Are you guys whispering about me? No, no. Oh, I get it. You guys don't want me here, either. You hate me, too! Oh, buddies? I thought we were best friends. Now we're downgraded to buddies? That's it. I'm not leaving here until I get you all to like me. Well, I'm not gonna like you until you leave. I'm at a crossroads here. Wait, I know! I'll win you guys over with a song from my heart. That's really not necessary. We were the best of friends you and I Yeah, yeah You miss me I love you so much New plan. We go to the dojo and cast the spell on Maxine there. Why don't you Why don't you Love me anymore? Go, go! Ho, ho, ho! Great technique, Maxine. Good job. OK, who's next? Hmm? You. Oh, see, I'm not in the class. These are just pajamas. That look an awful lot like a karate uniform. You are the chosen one. OK, just so we're clear, the only reason I'm putting this on is 'cause it matches my outfit, so Begin your journey. No, no, wait! Yeah! That's Daddy's little girl! I hope the sensei doesn't mistake me for a young student. Yeah. There she is. Shoes! Actually, it's a sandal that could be mistaken as a heel. Come on! What are you guys doing here? We rushed over here because we think we have a way to change you back. Really? OK, let's do it. 'Cause Mom wants me to get my ears pierced later, and I'm starting to like the idea. Hippety hop, let go of my top. - No, this can't be. - We made it worse. Pigtails? Lollipop! You didn't change me back, you made me cuter. Get ready. Because "Maxine" is gonna be your cutest nightmare. Ever. Hi, Mommy! Hi, Daddy! There she is. Our little girl gets cuter by the minute! The pigtails are adorable, honey! Our next match is Maxine versus Lilly Bell. Oh, no. I'd rather tangle it up with one of those guys. I don't even have I don't fight girls. You do now. I got a butt concussion! Someone should squash her like a bug. A fly is a bug, right? - Yeah. - Got it. Fly swat now rot. Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Swat! Yes! Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, that's a little something I like to call ka-ra-tay. How can you do that to a little girl? She is not a little girl! I know she looks like a little girl, OK, but she's not. Nope. And And there are Whoo, you are upset. Shoes on the mat! Maxine, honey? Are you OK? She's still a little groggy. Wait, hand me one of her shoes. I'm good! All right. She's OK, everybody. She's OK! I'm glad your little girl's OK. Hey, Alex, can we talk? Why? Maxine in bed already? OK, look. I'm sorry for getting so caught up with Maxine. It's just because she reminded me of you. I'm sorry I got jealous. It's just seeing Max as a little girl makes me realize that I'm not anymore. Hey, you're always gonna be my little girl, sweetie. Thanks, Daddy. Look what I got. Pancakes! That's awesome! Hey, guys, what's going on up here? We're pancake-faced monsters! We want syrup! Zeke, the Russes told me they have something they want to tell you. Zeke, we did hate you. I knew it. Why are you doing this? But you won us back. You're back in, best friend. Oh, man, yes! I knew I could do it! You know what won us over? Your song. You should sing it for Maxine. No, I don't think so. Well, think again. It goes like this. - You liked me - Stop. - I liked you - Oh, my God. Stop! Stop! We were the best of friends Best of friends, best of friends you and I You and I and everyboby together

{title:Justin's New Girlfriend} Oh my gosh, that was so much fun. I love silent movies. Although it wasn't very silent with Alex talking the whole time. Uh, silent movies are the worst. It's not that hard to go back and put some voices in the movie. I mean, people do it all the time on the Internet. The other day, I saw Big Bird doing a Kanye West song. Justin, don't listen to her. She could never appreciate the subtle nuances of Laurel and Hardy. Oh, how about when they were pushing that piano up the stairs? You knew it was coming down, but you just didn't know when. Genius. No, it was two idiots moving something they should have paid someone else to move for them. It's like that time you and Dad tried to push the dishwasher up the fire escape. We had to buy a new fire escape and a new dishwasher. She's just jealous. She doesn't think it's a movie unless there's a car crash every five minutes. Hey, Car Crash Every Five Minutes was a great movie. Yeah, you knew the car was going to crash, and you knew exactly when. Genius. That's a good one. Oh, Harper, the silent movie festival runs all week. We should go catch another film. That's a great idea. Wait, you guys are going to the movies without me? You obviously don't like silent movies and we're really into them. We should go see one of the Charlie Chaplin comedies tomorrow. Oh, that sounds great. How can you call them comedies if you can't hear the joke? You don't need dialogue for a comedy to be funny. Oh, really? Well then let's see about that. I rest my case. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * You can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * * What it seems * You made this sandwich with mayo on it. Come on, Jerry, you're making me look bad out there. I wrote down, no mayo. Well this says, plus mayo. That's an X . X means no mayo. Why don't you just write no mayo? Can't bring in a Navy code cracker every time you turn in an order. Just fix the sandwich. This is New York. People want stuff fast. If you were a superhero your name would be Super Slow Sandwich Making Guy." And you'd be my sidekick. Wonder How She Ever Became A Waitress Woman. You don't quite understand what I do back here. There's a lot more to it than just making sandwiches. I have to get the supplies, do all the prep work, make the orders and deal with a wisecracking waitress. Oh, I would love to see you do my job dealing with customers for a day. There's a reason you're back here Jerry. People don't like sweaty waiters. There, I said it! Hey, why don't you guys just switch jobs? That way you can see how hard it is to do the other person's work. Oh. Well, I don't know. Your mom's job seems pretty tough. I mean, you have to write down what people want. And then later, you have to bring it to them. I can totally do your job! And I can smile. They won't be used to that. Oh, bring it on. I'll sit back here where no one can see me and stuff a bunch of meat into slices of bread. But I'll get it right. Stuffing? This is an art. They don't just give these Sandwich University diplomas away to just anybody. I made you that for Father's Day. I still earned it. Hey Alex, the movie was so good. Awesome. Matching t-shirts? Oh, are they having a field trip at school today? Don't worry. You won't get lost. They're prizes. We knew the most Chaplin trivia. Jealous? Yes. I'm jealous of other people, because they're not a part of this conversation. - She's jealous. - Uh-huh. Harper, don't forget about the Lon Chaney silent movie tomorrow. We can't miss that. I'll make us shirts that say we like our festivals silent. Oh I'm gonna go. No, Harper. Forget about the stupid movie with Justin. Let's go to the bowling alley and rent shoes just to eat pizza. And then when the guy behind the counter threatens to call the cops, we'll say "Do it, cause we'd like to get a ticket for wearing bowling shoes." I can't. Tonight's the night my mom and dad and I pick out a kitten. Now that things are great at home, Doctor Paul says it's safe for animals. Sorry. I don't want you dating Harper. It could upset the delicate balance of who I can pit against whom in my life. I'm not dating Harper. Oh, come on. You make plans. You go to the movies. She walks you home. That's a date. Wait a second. I know what you're doing. It's a scare tactic to get me to stop hanging out with Harper. Oh, really? Because one time when you were napping on the couch, she stared at you for an hour. What? You let her stare You know, it's not working. Harper and I just like the same movies. And she's kinda fun now that she's not acting like some freak who has a crazy crush on me. OK, but that freak is living right under the surface so stop dating her. We're not dating! But, you know what? It looks like it bugs you, so hey, why don't we call it a date. With a capital "D." Oh! Yeah, I just found out in Career Class that you only need to go to school 40 hours to become a pilot. I totally have that kinda time. Dude, you've never even been in a plane. They're not gonna let you fly one. You were 40 hours away from me asking you to be my co-pilot. Oh, Harper, there's a lecture tonight by the guy who helped Buster Keaton do his own stunts. Wow, so a billion year old guy is going to talk about falling? Why don't you just go hang out with Grandpa? Oh, Justin, don't listen to her. Count me in. OK. Can't wait. So where's Justin taking you to dinner before the movie? He didn't say anything about dinner. Well, yeah. No, I know. But I mean, you've been out a few times. Dinner and a movie, it's kinda what people do when they're on a date. Date? Oh my gosh. You're right. I am dating Justin. I never thought it would happen like this. By accident. Oh, hey Justin. How ya doing? Have you ever noticed, that you and silent film star Rudolph Valentino have a lot in common? You're both half-Italian, you both worked in a restaurant. Although you're not a dancer. But if you were a dancer, I'd come to one of your shows. Are you having a show? Cause I would go. Would I make you nervous if I sat up front? I hope it's Grease. Cause I love Rizzo and I hate Sandy. Nice going, Alex. I know you did something to Harper to make her act all "Creepy Harper" again. Hey, everything's back to the way it should be. I'm her best friend. She weirds you out. You're mad at me. And she watches you sleep. Everybody's happy. No. I liked hanging out with a girl that's just a friend. Relax, you still have Mom. The point is you sabotaged our friendship just because you didn't want me hanging out with her. It was a nice break from my other friends where most of our conversations are about "Actroid the Japanese Fembot." Here's your Number Four with no tomatoes. Whoa. What did you do? Stuff the whole cow in here? Excuse me for putting a little meat in the sandwiches instead of just rubbing it on the bread. Now, where do these go? Dad, didn't you write down the table number on the order? That would help. Look, Max, can you figure out who ordered these? Dad, I don't want to get in the middle of your competition with Mom. I understand, son. But for five dollars you will, right? I do need money for flight school. Uh, OK. Mom. I need a Brooklyn Bridge. OK. What's in that? Two pastrami sandwiches connected by a hot dog. Who orders that? The guy that started out with dessert. Max, listen, you've got to help me. I don't know how your dad keeps track of all of this. Listen, Mom, I like you, I really do. But this is between you and Dad. I don't want to get involved. All right, I understand, Max. But, I could get involved for the right price. Oh, really? OK, here. Whoa, whoa, whoa Mom. Don't make it so obvious. Oh. Look, someone must have dropped a five dollar bill on the floor. OK, now help me! I messed up on all of these sandwiches. All right, when you mess up on a sandwich here's the sponge Dad uses to clean the condiments off the bread. He calls it "The Eraser." Thank you. Oh. I think you know a better way to thank me. Just fix those sandwiches. OK. Harper, what are you doing out here? Why don't you just go in? I am never going in there ever again. Justin cancelled on the Buster Keaton lecture, and then when I tried to make other plans, he said he w busy for the rest of the year. Harper, you'll get over it. Let's go inside and I'll make you some hot chocolate. Hey, wait a second. You're being awfully nonchalant about all this. What are you talking about? I'm being totally "chalant." Did you say something to Justin? Did you tell him about tt one time I watched him sleep? You did, didn't you? That could be misconstrued as creepy. C'mon, Harper. We're back to normal. Back to normal's good. Alex, you're a pretty controlling person and I put up with it because you're my best friend. But you knew how I felt about Justin and you couldn't just be okay with it. What kind of best friend does this stuff? Okay, maybe I didn't think it all the way through, but you know what I was going for. You know what? I don't need an answer. This is the kind of question you hear now, and think about later when I leave in a huff. Which is now. So you are going to think about it, right? I Mom, I need to talk to you. Oh, can it wait, Alex? I'm finally getting caught up on these orders. Aren't you the one who always says, "I always have time for you and whatever problems you're having?" That is you, right? Mother. What is it, sweetie? Two people very close to me are having a problem, and I tried to fix it, but I might have made it worse for everybody, especially me. Well, if you truly care about them you'll need to put their feelings above yours. Do you know where Dad is? Let me finish. Get them in a room together and don't let them leave until they work it out. All right, that's actually not a bad idea. They'll be friends again, they won't be mad at me, and I don't have to apologize to anyone. Thanks, Mom. Oh, nice job pretending like you wanted to talk to me. OK, sweetie. I'm here. What do you want? I wanted to talk to you about this whole mess. Here, grab a soda. I'm gonna take out the garbage. What do you want, Alex? I don't have time for anything. Ah! Justin! You're not supposed to be here! It's my house. You're not supposed to be here. Make your troubles no more, go in through the out door. Why are you here?! Oh, I have to go. Harper. Um! Whoa! What's going on? I don't watch you when you sleep. Bye! Stop following me. Hang on, Harper. Alex must have cast the "In Through the Out Door" spell. We can't leave without coming right back in. I should've known. She said she was going to take the garbage out. She never takes the garbage out. Why would she do this? Because she's evil and probably wanted us to be friends again. Well, she's not gonna get away with it. Yeah. We gotta get back at her for this. - We should use magic. - Yes! We can make her really tiny and chase her around with a vacuum. My new kitty hates that. Or we could Whoa! That's You've obviously been learning about magic from Alex. All magic isn't devious and manipulative. Really? Then what's so great about being a wizard? Alex did the "In Through The Out Door" spell, right? But she probably wasn't smart enough to put a "spell lock" on it. Alex always wrecks it. Make this door an exit. We're free. We gotta get back at her with something that we know she hates. Something Something bad. Silent movies! Or books! Yeah! She hates books. We can just get a bunch of books and throw them at her. Ooh, hardcover. Payback time. Yes, it is. Alex, you're about to star in your own silent film. Take away color and sound, this is where revenge is found. That was awful. I'm gonna go lie down. I'm exhausted from all that running and overacting. Listen, Harper. I had a good time at the silent movie festival with you. And just because the festival is over, it doesn't mean you and I can't You know, go catch a flick once in awhile. Oh, Justin. That'd be great. There's a festival coming up in Florida. I can ask my mom if we can borrow her car. And even if she says no, I'm willing to go on the run with you despite the trouble it will bring me. Whoa Harper. Right. I'll try and control myself. I'm probably more fun that way. Little bit. Dad, I can't help you this afternoon. Because I quit. What? Why? Are you in a play? No, look. I just wanted to raise enough money so I can go to flight school, but they told me when I got down there, that it was gonna be 5,000 dollars. So I bought this suit instead. But you can't quit. I need you. Your mom is on the ropes. She is gonna crack. No, she's not. I've been doing her job for her. She paid me. I should've known. So, you've been paying Max to do your work for you? Ha ha! I win. But Dad, you've also been paying me. So you've been taking advantage of our son for your own benefit? What kind of irresponsible parent does that? Or lets him dress up like a doorman. I'm a pilot. You know, you guys need to realize that both of your jobs are hard. OK? You should really appreciate each other more. Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to go practice my pilot talk. Flight attendants, please prepare the cabin for take off. Bing-bong. What can I get for you?

{title:Family Game Night} Harper! I see you dressed for your history test on the women's suffrage movement. - How'd it go? - Great. Except I fell off my bustle during the essay part. Everybody saw my pantaloons. Oh, they're looking again. Wait a minute. There's an essay? I thought there was just multiple choice. That's why I wrote down all my guesses on my arm. I didn't write anything about an essay. Yes, you did. It says "essay" right there by your elbow. No, that says "easy." I wrote that down as a motivator. I need to switch brains with you. Whoa! I don't want your brain in my body. Would it sound better if I said I wanted to switch bodies? Well, you are wearing a cute outfit today. And I get to wear ..that. Oh, OK. Alex, Harper. Cambia corporum meum corpora sua nominavi. - Oh! - Harper? Alex? Yes! [sighs] OK, Alex, I guess I'll take your test for you, but I'm not walking around with the answers on my arm. Oh, fine, but if you run out of time at the end of the test, just answer all As. You'll be right one fourth of the time which I think is passing. I had fun with you at the art museum last night, Justin. That was a great date. What? A date? You and me? Like What? The only reason you and I were alone is because no one else in the group bothered to show up. But I saw the way you were looking at me. I was looking at you because you were standing in front of every painting I was looking at. Oh, I was looking at you looking at the art, because that was my art. And now my cell-phone wallpaper. I've read tons of articles on dating and relationships, and last night was definitely a date. Staying alone with someone because you don't wanna be rude and just bug out of there is not a date. I do the all quizzes, too. They all say I'd be a great girlfriend. - Girlfriend? - Yes! I'll be your girlfriend. - I'm so glad you asked. - No! I don't think I did. And by the way, I'm talking slowly right now, which means I don't understand what's happening. I'll tell you what's happening. Love. And love is the most important thing. Because in the future, when the aliens take over, it's the only thing we'll have left. You know, you really didn't have to add the alien part 'cause I'm already really scared. That's how you know it's real. Hey, so what are you doing tonight? Because I think we should go on a second date. Oh, you do? I can't, because I'm going to the Mets game. Great! It's a date. Our relationship is off to a great start. Hey, I know it's taken me a long time to say this, - but I love you. - Uhh! I'm in love! Way to go, Justin. You're in a relationship. I never thought it would happen. What are you talking about? It happens all the time. The werewolf, the centaur girl, the goth chick. Why do people think I don't date? I don't remember 'em. Anyway, it's awesome that you came to me with this problem. I didn't come to you. You came over here to me. True, but you usually go to Alex with this type of stuff. You're talking to me. I'm taking it as a victory. I am here for you, bro. OK. [sighs] So what should I do about Daphne thinking that we're dating when we're actually not dating? Hmm. That is a tough one. I am stumped. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * You can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * OK, Alex, I really aced your history test for you. I hope you made it believable that I took the test. For the things you didn't know, did you draw a picture to distract them? I just don't feel right about cheating like this. Cheaters never prosper. Switch me back. Switch me back! OK. Alex, Harper. Cambia corporum meum corpora sua nominavi. What happened? Why am I still looking at me? And you spilled iced mocha on my dress. Suffragettes did not drink iced mochas. Cool it, weirdo. It didn't work. Let me try it again. Alex, Harper. Cambia corporum meum corpora sua nominavi. I don't know what happened, but don't worry. I'll just go into the lair and figure it out. - Hey, guys. - Hey. Hi, Justin. Cute shirt. Thank you. I actually What did you do to it? - Where? - Stop it, Alex. - We're on a mission. - Oh, Alex. I need to ask you something. I'm taking a girl to the baseball game. What girl? Who are you taking? Daphne. She thinks we're dating. I need your sneaky advice of how to get out of it. Dump her. Just dump her. Dump her hard. Oh! You wanna get rid of her, you're gonna need a road flare, a barrel of maple syrup, and a mini trampoline. We're not using the maple syrup for what you think. We gotta go. And what did I think we were using the maple syrup for? Like who Oh! I get it. Hey. Huh? Ooh! [chuckles] Look what I found when I was dropping some stuff off at the resale shop. It's the Almost Charades board game. Like we used to play on family game night. Ooh! Honey, I got rid of that thing for a reason. Family game night nearly destroyed this family. Don't you remember? The fighting, the cheating, the crying when someone lost? [scoffs] But that's because the kids were young. I think they're old enough to handle it now. They weren't the ones who were crying. Come on. Let's play tonight. Please. Please. Please, please, please. All right, fine, we'll play. But you know what? We're gonna play on the terrace. - Fine. - Why do we have to play there? Because that way we'll be out in front where all the neighbors can see. We'll be shamed into behaving well. And also, when stuff starts to fly, my ceiling won't get stained with guacamole. Oh, good. I thought that was something seeping down from Max's room. That is totally coming from my room. So, how was the date? What do you think? I think I thought of a way for you to break with her at the ball game. Check it out. After a batter strikes out, you look at her and you say, "Strike three! You're out!" "No, seriously, get outta here." I kissed her. Oh. You wanted her to break up with you. No, I was leaning in to tell her we weren't in a relationship. Then, of course, they put us up on the big screen. The whole crowd kept chanting, "Kiss, kiss, kiss, you guys!" "Kiss, kiss!" And I choked under the pressure. Well, lucky for you, I still know a way for you to get rid of her. Look, Dad's forcing us to have family game night tonight. You know us. The cops'll be there an hour after we start. And I'll invite Daphne to come. She'll see how mean and hurtful and cheating us Russos can be, she'll bail and never wanna see me again. That's a great idea. I was thinking we could plant some of Mom's jewelry on her and get her arrested. I gotta call Daphne right now. This is a great idea. I know. Hey, You should've started coming to me for advice years ago, huh? I didn't come. You were standing there when I walked in. And you talked. That's good enough for me. So Justin told me all about his new girlfriend. Yeah, he and I are tight now. Close buds. Tells me everything. Really? Justin has a girlfriend? Mm-hm, yeah. Her name's Daphne. He also told me that he's bringing her home tonight. Wow. He must really like her if he's bringing her to meet us. Does he know it's family game night? He knows. Well, we'll just have to be on our best behavior, then. Theresa, we will be friendly and cordial and polite. Good sportsmanship is the order of the day. Mm. That is a great idea, too. - There was another idea? - Justin had a great idea. But this one's great too. I say go with it. Here's one that might work. Hair brainium scheme changium. That's not it. Alex, why do I still have your body, except with my hair? Oh, it smells like a waterfall. OK, what about this one? After all that's been said, we wanna switch back our heads. - [Alex's voice] Oh, I did it. - [Harper's voice] Not exactly, Alex. I'd still like my body back. You don't sound like yourself. You sound like me. OK. Stop yelling. Voices right noises. [with Alex's voice] Testing, one, two, three. Again, I'd like my body back, Alex. I'm on it. I'm on it. We can do this, Harper. This has all been a pain. We wanna switch back our brains. [as Alex] Wow! There's a lot of pressure in here. Waterfall. [hollow sound] Oh, my goodness. Now you have no brain. [as Harper] Actually, my brain's inside your head, Alex. [as Alex] Ow! All these brains are pounding against my skull. Oh, no wonder smart people are no fun. - Pretty - No! OK, Harper. Maybe I should just try another spell. [as Harper] Let's see. My brain is cramm inside your head, and I'm standing over there looking lost, like my dad when I talk about the Internet. Sure, try another spell. How could it get any worse? [as Alex] OK, Harper, I know we can do this if we just put our heads together. Well, our heads can't get much more together and that doesn't seem to be helping. OK, um Maybe we should just go to Justin. Really? Because I suggested that five minutes ago before you did all this. OK, OK. But what do we do with that thing while we're gone? [clears throat] Um "That thing" is me. How about we tuck me into bed so I'll go to sleep? Looks like someone's using their noggin. - Nap time! - See? Lawn mower. Oh, you don't know what this thing wants. No! Aren't you getting dressed for your date? These are my good flip-flops. They match the sweater. OK. Well, we're all very excited that Daphne's coming over for family game night. We'll do anything to help this romance flourish. Ooh, Theresa, why don't you make your deviled eggs? And put a dozen aside for me. No, no. You guys just be yourselves, OK? I want Daphne to get to know you guys for who you are. This night should be like any other family game night. Alex, you're just in time for family game night. Sorry. I don't play games. Especially ones that end like crime-scene tape. [as Harper] Oh, let's play, Alex. I love games. Harper, stop talking. We gotta get Justin and get out of here. I'm sorry. I can't help it. Every time you have a thought, it comes out your mouth. You can be so bossy. Oh, I didn't mean to say that. Harper! Justin. What are you doing? [whispers] I have two brains inside my head. If you're trying to psyche me out, you have to do better than that. No, no, no. I'm serious. I mixed up a bunch of spells and now I got Harper's brain inside my head. I can prove it. Just talk to Harper's brain. OK, let me Let me see. Hello, Harper's brain. You're staring at me with those eyes. I think I might faint. Definitely Harper's brain all right. How'd this happen? I did the body switching spell and I can't undo it. Body switching? Don't you read the wizard memos? That spell's full of glitches. - What's wrong with it? - I think you just found out. [doorbell rings] Daphne's here. You three should really get to know each other. Stay put. Fine. If you're not gonna help me, I'm getting out of here. I'm going downstairs to get cold cuts. Come on in, Daphne. Teen Girl magazine says, "Never meet the family empty-handed," so I brought cold cuts. Terrific. Now Alex doesn't have to go downstairs. She can stay up here and mingle. Really? My family owns a deli shop. [as Harper] Alex, we have guests. Be polite. [grunts] Um, hi. Welcome, Daphne. So nice to meet you. Welcome to our normal home. I'm Justin's calm, level-headed dad. Yeah, until the game starts. Let's all go out onto the terrace in full view of the neighbors where everyone can see us. Let's do it. I love charades. But my parents won't play. They say their whole life is a charade. Harper, we can't play charades with two brains. My parents will know something's up. Oh! You figured out how to move my feet. Your brain has a short attention span. It's easy to overpower. No! I am not playing No! Now, remember, this is Almost Charades. You can only write down books, movies or television shows. Oh, it's so great to play a civilized game of charades with the family. That's right. We're out here playing charades. In a friendly, family way. [woman] Quiet down there, ya nut! All right, let's divide into teams. Team one: Justin, me, and the lovely Daphne. Team two: Jerry, Max, and Alex. Yeah! Whatever you say, honey. Dad, those teams aren't fair. Aren't you gonna accuse Mom of stacking things in her favor then go off and pout like you usually do? Whatever your mom wants, I'm happy to comply. I just want our guest, Daphne, to have a good time. Oh! Justin, your parents make me feel like I'm already part of the family. We're so compatible. Alex, get out here! Wow, Harper, you're strong. Daphne, you should really get to know Alex. She's got a lot going on up here. Hey, Harper. Come on out. Hello, Daphne. If you don't stay away from Justin, I'm going to Eat more of this. Mmmm. Why, thank you. Justin, your sister's so sweet and hungry. You haven't really seen the real her. OK, let the games begin. Oh, this is a good one. I'm ready. Two words. First word. - One syllable. - You got it! - Who wrote down "One syllable"? - I did. You're supposed to write titles. That is infuriating, isn't it, Dad? Doesn't it make you just wanna throw a table? I'm sure there's a book titled One Syllable out there somewhere. Excellent guess, Daphne. She's smart and beautiful, just like your mother. Aw! This is the best family game night ever. What a loving family. I guess it's true, "The family that plays together" Yeah, yeah, yeah, "Stays together." Alex's turn! Oh, yay! Me, first. Me, first. Can I go first, pretty please? - Uh, OK. - Uh, really? Harper, I hate charades. Hate charades? That's like hating sunshine. OK! Movie! [Max] Three words. [Jerry] Foot. - Sock. - Foot. Bunion foot! - Foot! - Foot! Foot! - I Ball of your foot. - Ball of your foot. [Max] Oh, um Foot. Calluses. Callus, ball, foot. - That's three words. - For the love! It's "football." A movie. Football. Friday Night Lights. Yes! You got it. Wait a minute. You said, "Football." You talked. You're disqualified. She's disqualified. - Good. I'm out of here. - Alex, you're not disqualified. I got that fair and square. Your mother is stacking the teams against us! That's what I'm talking about. What?! What? You heard her. She cheated. And I'm livid! They should both be disqualified. Out of here! Ho! This if totally bogus. Dad's pouting 'cause he lost a fight again. No! We are not fighting. That's one thing we're not doing. We're not fighting, so stop fighting! The neighbors can hear us! [woman] That's it! I'm calling the cops! - Karate Kid! - We are not fighting! We are trying to make a good impression! I think your family should keep it down. Nah, they're good. Da-ta! Oh, no! Lollipop. Alex, what did you do to Harper? Uh, nothing. See, this is why I should have tied you up. That's a great idea. Someone should have tied you up. What's wrong with these people? Nothing. This is just a typical family game night. You call this normal? Yes. You should get used to it, now that we're in this relationship. Oh, no, no, no. I am way over my head with this toxic family dynamic. And next time you meet a girl, Justin, do not bring her home! Please, brain, leave, brain. Oh, really? It's just that easy? And polite. No wonder you couldn't figure out the spell. Please, brain, leave, brain. Oh, I'm back. It feels good. Yes. Feels awesome having my skull back. Every time I kept looking out my eyes, your brain kept leaning in going, "Let me see! Let me see!" Well, I didn't wanna look in your brain. There's a lot of scary stuff in there. Thank you.

{title:Fairy Tale} I'd like to talk with you about that letter of recommendation to my alma mater, Clementine College. Are you gonna write me that letter? A good recommendation from you will guarantee me a spot in that corral. Look, Justin, I know the teenage years are about your search for an identity. But the western thing, that's mine. Sorry, Mr. Litate. Now, we need a director for the school's production of Peter Pan. And I think that director should be you. Pull it off, and I'll write that letter. Uh, no offense, but isn't that kind of blackmail? Blackmail is just the sort of thing they teach at good old Clementine College. Except they call it "ethics." Good luck, Mr. Director. People are already talking about you direing the school play. That's perfect. I got the role of Peter Pan in the can! Uh, not so fast, Zeke. I need to find the best actor by holding auditions. Uh, well that's perfect. I have just the audition piece. I took my report on Mexico's economy, set the whole thing to music. Check it out. * Mexico, Mexico * * Is a unique and emerging marketplace * * Ohhh Mexico! * * Ohhh Mexico! * - I gotcha. - * Mexico * I got it. Yeah. Auditions will be tomorrow. Please bring something else. Tribeca Prep, autions for a Justin Russo production of Peter Pan will be held tomorw. And since I have your attention, I'm closing in on who put my gym clothes on the roof. Eric Winer. Yeah! Miss Russo. I was filing your delinquent slip when I noticed you hadn't fulfilled your extracurricular requirement. So I signed you up for Locker Refurbish Club. No, thanks. Perhaps you'd like me to define the word "requirement" for you. - No, thanks. - You have to! You can't be too busy being cute or charming, and being you is not a full-time job. Well, the thing is Um I'm gonna be in my brother's play. And you know how I'm always telling you things and then later on, you find out they aren't true? That's 'cause I'm a good actor. So you're too busy in the school play to be in Locker Refurbish Club? Well, I was ready to take on both, but you make an excellent point. Glad we had this talk. * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes please * * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * * Everything is not what it seems * * You can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * * What it seems * Hey, what are you up to, Max? Well, I'm the new reviewer for the school newspaper. I've always known you had promise, honey. Now I know what it was for. But if only I could think of something to review Hmm. - Like a movie called Elasto-Man Snaps Back, playing at 3:45 or 4:15. You know, you're right. A writer needs inspiration. I'll take you. Let me finish this order, OK? And that is how you get your mom to take you to the movies before homework. Mom, did you hear that? He's using his school activities to get you to take him to the movies. No, honey. I'm using his school activities to cut my shift in half. Harper, you know how you said you loved the theater? I never said I loved the theater. Oh, I just assumed, the way you dress in all those costumes. Costumes? OK, let's start over. I'm gonna be an understudy in Justin's play. It should be easy because I understudy for most things. But understudies only get on stage if the other actor gets sick or injured. Exactly. And you have perfect school attendance because you never get sick. That's why you're gonna be Tinker Bell and I'm gonna be your understudy. Alex, you and I being involved in the same activity is not a good idea. You know how competitive I am. I'll crush you like a bug, just like I did in Skee-Ball. OK, let's try this again. You play Tinker Bell. I'm your understudy. You'll never miss. I'll never go on. Everyone's happy. OK, I guess we're not competing. 'Cause I will crush you. Why don't you go upstairs and start my homework. I'll make us some sandwiches. Oh, thanks, Alex. That's so generous of you. One Italian sub and a tuna salad on wheat. Got it! - Hey, Justin. - Hey, what's up? Oh, just makin' some sandwiches. That's a nice dollhouse. It's a diorama for the school play. Ah, that's right. I heard you were directing that. So, uh, who were you thinking for Tinker Bell's understudy? Oh Tinker Bell's understudy. You want to be Tinker Bell's understudy. Well, um You're gonna have to audition like everyone else. Why? You know I'm a good actor. I've been acting like I like you for years. No one thinks you like me. But I really do and I act like I don't. Pshh! That's acting. Alex, your order's up. Which table? Oh, I'll take those. Aw, that's my girl, always helping. Mom's helping Max. Alex is serving sandwiches. Where would we be without our ladies? Um So, what do we got going on here? I'm directing the school play. Ah, my son's a director. That's fantastic! I don't know if you know this about me, but I've dabbled in the theatre arts. - You, Dad? - Oh, yeah. I directed a lot of high school plays when I was your age. And as a fellow director, I'm gonna make sure that you succeed. Any questions, you come to your old man. I have one. Should I let Alex be Tinker Bell's understudy? Which one of these is the understudy? Uh - This one? - Yeah. - Got it? - Oh, yeah. I just always wanna be a little boy and to have fun. This world moves pretty fast, you know. It's not long before you're carrying a briefcase and heading to work, day in and day out. For what? These are the best days of our lives. Have a great summer. I'll see you guys next year! Was that your eighth grade graduation speech? I was told it was inspiring. And it was! The role of Peter Pan goes to Zeke Beakerman. Whoo! Yes! Next up, reading for the role of Tinker Bell is Harper Finkle. No, it is poison! "Oh, Tink. Did you drink the medicine to save me?" Yes! "But, why, Tink? Now, you don't look so good." I think I might get well again, if the boys and girls believed in fairies. - What was that? - Fairy dust. Cheese puff powder. Look. Great. She was pretty good. The role of Tinker Bell goes to Harper Finkle. Now, the only thing left is auditions for Tinker Bell's understudy. Look, Alex, um I spoke to some people in the directing community. People who are very close to me, and they advised me letting you anywhere near this production would be sure disaster. People close to you? So that means Zeke or Dad. Oh, it wasn't me, Alex. I swear. Oh, so then, Dad's directing this play. No, I am. I make my own decisions. - No, you don't. - Yes, I do. - Prove it. - Fine. Watch. Alex Russo's the understudy. There. I showed you. - Well, I don't want to do it. - You have to. I'm the director. - OK, then fine. I'll do it. - Good. Ha. Listen up, cast. I need everyone to stay healthy for the show. Yes. That's right. Because I don't want to have to step in. I have very little interest in this, and I've never even been to this part of the school. OK, here are the ground rules. Save your voice, don't do anything dangerous, and that includes tap-dancing. - Aww. - Hmm. You got it, chief. I'm gonna start being careful right now. - Whoa. - Whoa! Oh. That was close. I almost slipped on my cheddar cheese fairy dust. Ooof! - Harper, are you OK? - I don't know. Is my foot supposed to bend this way? Whoa. Looks like a rider got thrown off her horse. Sit tight, little filly. The nurse is on her way. She was Tinker Bell. Now, I'm gonna have to hold auditions all over again. Don't you have an understudy? I'd rather not say. Alex is my understudy. Alex, congratulations. You get to saddle up for the rodeo. Out of my way. I gotta throw myself off the stage. Make some room! You're in the show, Alex. Working on your review, Max? I'm so glad you finally found something you're half-good at. Right, here it is "I saw Elasto-Man Snaps Back with my mom last night, which was a big mistake, because she didn't put enough butter on the popcorn. And that's the Max View." Dad, I gotta talk to you about the play. I got a big problem. As long as it doesn't involve Alex, there's nothing we can't solve. Lay it on me. - Never mind. - Oh, it's Alex? What did I say to you? You made her the understudy, didn't you? It's not as bad as it seems. I still got my main man, Zeke, dialed in on the role of Peter Pan. He'll just have to carry the entire show. Hey, Justin. Uh, there's something I gotta tell ya. What did I say? No tap-dancing! I wasn't. I went to tap-dancing class to tell them I couldn't make it. But then clog-dancing class started. And I was like, "Oh, man! Clogging?" And I fell off my shoes. All right, all right. Nobody panic. I said I was gonna help you, and I am gonna help you. - I'm gonna play Peter Pan. - Dad If I shave twice in the morning, throw on my letterman jacket, I can pass as a high school senior. We'll just say I'm your cousin visiting from the country. A country of what, old dudes? - I can still do it. - Thank you. I'll catch you at rehearsal. This will never work. I won't get Laritate's recommendation, I'm not gonna get into Clementine College, and I can kiss robotic engineering goodbye. Justin, are you talking about kissing robots again? You're gonna get electrocuted eventually. Alex, you need to take this seriously. Your brother needs you to be the best Tinker Bell you can be. His college career is depending on you. You're right, Daddy. Justin's depending on me, and you're depending on me. I gotta do whatever I need to do to not let you guys down. Hiring a real fairy to play your part is less work than playing the part yourself? Harper, there's not enough room to write 27 lines of dialogue on my hand. Welcome to Fairy World. May all your dreams come true. Hi. - Look, Sparkles won't work under these conditions! Her wings need to be massaged and steamed. Those things are her money-makers. Come on! Last time I send a dwarf to do an elf's job. How can I help? I need to hire a fairy actress. Well, you have come to the right place. Of all the fairy talent agencies, FTA has, by far, the fanciest offices. I should sit down. And some advice: don't tile your cast. It's like lugging around a bathroom wall. Don't sit there! It's just for looks. It's made entirely of gum drops and licorice. Who'd mix candy with furniture? Oh, wait. I would. Here are some pictures of fairies. - OK. - Do you see one you like? Anyone really standing out? Anyone popping for you? These are pictures of the same fairy. You have a good eye. If it's Flutter you want, then Flutter you've got. OK. How soon can she start? You're girls. I'm Flutter. Well, this is working out. Let's all get to know each other. No, Harper! You're clumsy. See, Harper? She looks just like me. OK, you're gonna play me, playing Tinker Bell in the play. All right. Let's try a scene from the play. I'm tired of playing fairies. I want to play a cop. Hands up where I can see 'em, pal! Oh, she's a good actress. - I can't see 'em. - Oh! Flutter, you are a fairy. Fairies play fairies. I don't know, Alex. This fairy wants to play a cop, and she's packing heat. I say we let her. Who's this? That's Harper. No. Who's the one with the wings? Oh, that's Flutter. You're a man, and you're a lady. What is a fairy doing here? She is leaving. Come on, Flutter. A second ago, you wanted me to play the role of Tinker Bell. You smuggled a fairy across Never Land lines to impersonate you in your brother's play? I'm no wizard, but that sounds like a crime. It's not a crime. And I suppose you spent all this time working on this scheme instead of learning your lines? I don't think I should answer that until I'm assigned a Never Land attorney. Alex, we're not in a crime drama right now. Oh! But if we are, can I play the cop? Check this out. Hands up pal, freeze! Up against the wall. Spread 'em, punk. She's good. Tink, no! What are you doing? Peter Pan, do not take your medicine. It has been poisoned. No! I promised Wendy I'd take it. Ew, is this diet? Ugh. Ew. Oh, would you die already? Fine. I'm dead. Oh, Tink. Did you drink the medicine to save me? - Uh, yeah. - With feeling! Oh. With feeling. Dad, you're gonna have to go shave, get on your letterman jacket. Don't worry. Directors always have a back-up plan. And I'd like you to meet ours. You're a boy. But why, Tink? Why? Now, you don't look so good. I think I might get well again, if the boys If the boys and girls believed in fairies. Do you believe? Say quick that you believe! Owww! Clap your hands. Don't let Tinker Bell's light go out. This is the part where you clap for me, and I come back to life. Mom? Sorry, sweetie. OK. It's go time. Come on, one clap? Anybody? Anything? How 'bout them Mets? Works for me. Come on, let's go save Wendy. Freeze, Tinker Bell. You're going downtown for bad acting, punk. - Flutter? - Sergeant Flutter. You're coming with me, straight to the slammer. Flutter, you have to get out of here before people start to think you're a real fairy. They're definitely gonna think you're a real fairy. Ow. Ow. Ow. See that? That's how you play a fairy. Well, this is how you get rid of a fairy. I'm thinking maybe we should leave before this is over. - Split a cab downtown? - Oh, yeah. Let's go. Jerry! All right, Sergeant Flutter. You have the right to remain silent. In this drawer. Ow. Boo! That's good, Max. Here he comes. I'm sure there are plenty of colleges that'll take you. I can get you into my alma mater. Mom, you went to an all-girls college. Wait. That could work. Yeah, I'll come visit. Um I'm just trying to help out my son. Look, Justin. We wrote a letter of recommendation for you. "Dear Clementine College, here is a review of Justin Russo's directing debut. In this ambitious production, Tinker Bell swats down her own inner-demon

{title:Justin's Little Sister} All right, my little history wranglers, enough ruckus. Let's start off Thursday's class like we always do: With an oral pop quiz. Oh, my gosh. lt's the Thursday pop quiz we have every Thursday. l'm totally caught off-guard. ln no particular order: Wendy Bott, you're up. The French and lndian War was fought by three groups of people. Name two of them. The French was one for sure. And the other one, l'm just gonna guess, lndians? Excellent. Nellie Rodriguez. You're up. The War of 1812 started in what year? Oh, my gosh, l studied for this one. - 1812? - Another winner. Alex Russo. The Monroe Doctrine. What is it? When was it passed? And please give a two-minute argument defending it. Hold on. The other two questions had the answers in them. My question's supposed to be: The Monroe Doctrine, whose doctrine is it? l'd say ''Monroe'' and you'd say, ''Yipee-dilly-lily, way to go, little filly.'' Oh, Alex. You are definitely not your brother Justin. No, l'm not. l'm cuter, more fun to talk to and l don't have dental floss on a key chain. Yeah, well, l do. Justin made it for me. Oh, Justin. Those were the days. Can you believe this? He's comparing me to Justin. l know. lt is so hard to live up to Justin. He's smart and handsome, and he has the healthiest gums. - l mean-- - Okay, l get it, he flosses. Let's make him president. How was school today? Wait, let me guess who got in trouble? Well, l got a hard quiz question because of Justin, got in trouble because of Justin, and got recruited by the math team because of Justin. What are you smiling about? l have had a much more productive day than l realized. Okay. Today's lesson is about genies. Oh, l know a Jeannie. Jeannie Kowalski. Jeannies do not like it when you flick them in the ear. That's lesson number one. No, lesson number one is leave that girl alone. She's bigger than you. And lesson number two is about genies that live in a lamp. And they are the con artists of the wizard world. l thought they were supposed to grant you three wishes. They do, but they take your wish and they twist it around into something you wish you never wished for. ls Alex a genie? No, she's just your older sister. But good, Max. You understand the concept. No genie can trick me. l'd make them wish that they never met me. You don't have to be a genie to wish you never met you. So are we gonna take this genie out or what? You can't take the genies out of their lamps, because they're tricky. Once out, it's hard to get them back in. Yeah, Alex, this was all in the handout, which you obviously didn't read. Why can't you be more like your brother? Because l don't want to grow old alone. Wait a minute. So we're getting a genie lesson without seeing a genie? No, the genie is not coming out of the lamp, we're going into the lamp. Come on. Justin, take us in. we are now small and teeny-weeny Take us inside to see the genie Oh, Christmas carolers. lt's a little early. But who doesn't love a little ''Jingle Bell Rock''? Hit it, boys. A one, two, a one, two, three, four. Hi. We're not carolers. We're on a field trip. l'm just showing these young wizards what a genie looks like in its natural habitat. l'm sorry. l wasn't expecting company. l don't have enough food to make dinner for all of us. But l know this amazing pizzeria-- Everybody likes pizza, right? --on 86th and a Columbus with a topping bar. A topping bar? - How's that for a topper? - That sounds great. - Let's get out of here. - Let's. We are now small and teeny-weeny, but instead-- See that, Dad? She thought a genie wouldn't outsmart her, and she almost set her free. Hello. l was about to put my hand over my own mouth. This is why l brought you here. To show you how tricky genies can be. That's right. Genies can be very tricky. Hey, let's go talk about it over a latte. There's this place in Brooklyn that makes these lattes with basil in them. Basil lattes. That sounds great. Why don't you get your jacket and we'll go. Yes. See that? l just outsmarted the genie. Now let's get out of here. And l just found out there's a pizzeria with a topping bar. Take us out. we are now small and teeny-weeny we are done visiting the genie Oh, it's you. l was just in the middle of snaking my drain. Okay. Thank you for rubbing my lamp. You have a lot of choices in lamps, l appreciate choosing mine. Your wish is my command. You're entitled to three wishes, blah, blah. Not valid in Vermont or Connecticut. Okay. l wish people would stop comparing me to Justin. Oh, your older brother? He seems really sharp. l'm glad he's not my brother. l could never live in that shadow. That's what l'm talking about. - Let's get to the wish. - Okay. - lsn't that the Macarena? - Hold on. Yeah, they stole it from us. Okay. You're good. You will no longer be compared to your brother. So you probably heard genies are always trying to sneak off. - You can't sneak off if l'm letting you go. - You're letting me go? Sure, go on. l got my wish. Class is starting. Beat it. - Thank you. - No, thank you. Okay, my wily coyotes. lt's time for a surprise Thursday pop quiz, on Friday. - Alex Russo. - Here we go. Name two of the three people who were on the Lewis and Clark Expedition, which also featured Sacagawea. - Did you just give me all three answers? - No fair. l'm not giving hints. Okay. Then l'm gonna say Lewis and Clark. And Sacagawea. Three out of three. And l only asked for two. l think we have a winner. Actually, let's let Alex ring the bell. ls there somebody you wanna compare me to? - No. - Thank you, genie. Can you believe it? He didn't ask me some ridiculous question that only Justin would know the answer to. - Who's Justin? - What do you mean, ''Who's Justin?'' - Hey, Justin. - Alex. The weirdest thing happened to me. l got kicked out of chemistry because l wasn't on the class list. And l told Mrs. Rieber it had to be a mistake, l've been there all semester, but she still didn't remember me. Oh, that is weird. You'd think she'd remember the student that came with the periodic element song. Hydrogen then helium Lithium, beryllium Boron Speaking of borons, why don't you go tell your friends about your problem. Fine. That's Justin? The new guy who's H-O-T cute? No, the guy who's my brother who's V-E-R-Y dorky. No, you only have one brother. His name is Max. Oh, my gosh. Harper, l'm gonna catch up with you later. Fine. But l call dibs on that new Justin guy. - l liked him first. - Dibs acknowledged. We played video games together. Yesterday. Remember? l got overexcited and hyperventilated. Your mom had to get me a bag. Sorry, dude. Good luck with whatever. l don't have any friends. My teacher doesn't remember me. What did you do? Why? Just because something completely out of the ordinary happens doesn't mean l automatically had something to do with it. - Did you have something to do with it? - Yes. l made a wish with the genie that everyone would stop comparing me to you, but l guess she did that by making everyone forget you. Okay. Tell the genie you wish everyone remembers me again. l can't. l let her go. That way she couldn't sneak off. Oh, l get it. lt's kind of like giving a burglar your money so he doesn't steal it. - Look, what do you want me to do? - You've done enough. We're gonna have to get Dad to help us. Hi, l'm Jerry, Alex's father. Nice to meet you. We already met. l don't think Dad's gonna help us. Hey, who's your new friend? He's cute. He looks a little like your Uncle Ernesto. lt's not just school, no one remembers me. Look on the bright side. l bet you don't have to do dishes tonight. Okay, Justin. l know this looks bad. No one remembers you. But l'll fix it. ln the meantime, think of all the benefits. - Like not having to do the dishes? - Yeah. l'd trade that for my parents remembering me. Where am l supposed to sleep tonight? l fell asleep at table five one night. lt's pretty comfortable. Okay. Follow my lead. Mom, Justin's parents are out of town for a week, and he doesn't have a place to stay, and he lost his key when he tripped - and he fell down the subway grate. Oh, my goodness. Well, Justin, you're more than welcome to stay with us until your parents get back. - Really? Thank you. - See that? Problem solved. Yeah, everything's great. lt's just my parents don't know who l am. Hey, Max. Do you still remember me, buddy? Of course l do. - You do? - Yes. You're Uncle Ernesto. l have seen you in Mom's pictures. Alex. Look what l made in art class. lt's a bust of that new kid, Justin. - Do you think he'll like it? - l don't know. Why don't you ask him? Oh, my gosh. He's here. How do l look? Better than him. Justin, look who's here. And she made something nice-ish. Hey, Harper. You know my name? l made this for you. Oh, that's not my lipstick on the cheek. Thanks, Harper. l'll put it in my room. As soon as my parents get back in town. - Oh, where are you staying? - Here. He's already moved in? You do not respect the code of dibs. Harper made a bust of Uncle Ernesto? lt's me. That's still weird. Alex, we have to do something. You know They can't forget you. You're their first-born. Maybe we can jog their memory. Mr. Russo and Mrs. Russo, since l'll be staying, it would be rude if l didn't let you get to know me. So tell us about yourself. - Well, Justin loves school. - Loves school? Oh, we never hear that around here. And l love watching sports with my dad. - Go Mets. - A Mets fan. You should've started with that. Now, Jets or Giants? - Jets. - There it is. Welcome to the family, Justin. Justin is a great catch. You should go out with him. Gross. That's exactly how l felt about your father when l first met him, and now he's my big cuddly bug. Grosser. Justin is a fine young man. You should be more like him. Even when they don't know you, they want me to be more like you. You can't wish away quality. Okay, how are you gonna get the genie back? l don't know. l've just been racking my brain. l just wish the genie would show up. What just happened? You wished for the genie to come back and she came back. And stumbling on that, you just used your second wish. Okay, Alex, you have one wish left. Choose your words really carefully. l know, l know. l wish you would stop telling me-- That's not it, that's not it. l'm gonna get this right. Okay. l wish people would-- No, no, no. No. l wish Justin would be-- No, no, no. No, you'll wreck that. l wish my first wish-- l wish my brother-- This is gonna be good. - Oh, l've got it. - Hold up. Let me hear it. Okay. l wish everyone would see Justin clearly for who he is. Wait. There could be a problem if you say the word-- ''Clearly.'' And that's my triple play. Thanks for rubbing my lamp. Really. lt's yours to keep. ln fact, use it as a gravy boat. Just remember it's not dishwasher safe. You know what? Throw it in the dishwasher, l don't care. Alex, look what you've done. You've ruined my life. Hold on. You're invisible. lsn't there something you've always wanted to do? Someone you've always wanted to get back at and they would never know because you're invisible? There. l've done it. - Okay. l had that coming. - Now fix this. Hey, you kids want some ice cream? - What are you doing? - This way l'll be totally invisible. No. Just hide. Don't look. - Where's your friend? - Bathroom? l love talking sports with him. l'll sit right here and wait till he gets back. No, no, Dad, not there. - Why not? - Because l'm gonna sit there. l like sitting here. Who was that? Alex Russo, what is going on here? And why is there a pillow floating in midair? Justin's invisible and not wearing any clothes. Jerry, what's wrong? l just sat down on Alex's invisible friend Justin. - Justin, what did Alex do to you? - Yeah, l don't know. And l'm sure this may seem like magic, but l'm sure there's a perfectly rational, scientific explanation for all of it-- - Dad, Justin knows about magic. - Okay, what did she do to you? - Well, she-- - Wait. ls he holding that pillow to? Oh, that's my good pillow. And since it's the only thing l can see, l don't feel very comfortable talking to it. Just talk to Uncle Ernesto. Alex, what did you do to him? Okay, l'll tell you. - But you're never gonna believe me. - Of course we'll believe you. Justin is my brother and your oldest son. l don't believe you. No, it's true. l made a wish with the genie that everyone would stop comparing me to Justin, but the genie conned me and made everyone forget him. - And then he became invisible. - She's telling the truth. You're trying to tell me l have a son l don't even remember? Please believe me. You have to believe me. l used up all my wishes, but the genie was too smart for me. Genies are sneaky. You have to help me. You can't let him be invisible forever. l grew up with him. He may be dorky and annoying, but he's fun and gullible to pull pranks on, and he's my brother. l need him back. You know what, honey? l think l believe you. You really love your brother. You love him too. And sometimes more than her. l'm trying to help you here. We have to do something. Honey, l believe you too, okay? But what am l gonna do? The genie outsmarted you. Justin, l'm sorry. But l'm happy l have another son. Let me have a hug. - Well, yeah. Go put some clothes on first. - l'll be right back. Floating pillow. You've gotta teach me that one so l can sleep standing up. You know what? The genie may have outsmarted me, but maybe we can out-dumb her. Max, how would you get a genie to come back to her lamp? l know. Orange soda. What? lf someone poured orange soda in my room, l'd be really mad. You spilled orange soda in your room, didn't you? What did we say about taking that up there? See? She's really mad and she's going to my room. ls it working? ls it working? lt's not working. What are you doing? That's my house. See? Nothing drives the ladies mad like orange soda. l'll stop shaking it if you give Max a wish. lt's just gonna get foamier in here. Fine. What do you want? l wish for this haircut and a shirt like this. l can't give you a wish you already have. What game are you playing, kid? Oh, yeah? l wish for the genie game. What genie game? - What are you trying to do? - Oh, you know what l'm trying to do. Well, it sounds like you're trying to find out about the reset button. Max, there's a reset button. You know what to wish for. Swimming pool of pudding? Yes. No. The reset button. l wish you would show me the reset button. - ln your lamp. - ln your lamp. lf there's a reset button, we'll need this paperclip. Hi. Orangey. Max. l got it. All right. Here it is. When you press it, it undoes all the wishes since the last save, as if they'd never happened. - That was close. - You're back. l'm so glad l can see you. Oh, Justin, sweetie, l'm so sorry l forgot you. What kind of mother forgets her own son? - What about you? - What? l'm a dad. Before my cup of coffee, l'm lucky if l remember one of these kids. Come on, Bobby. Bedtime. So you were pretty upset about me being invisible, huh? No. l was just afraid that l would be running into you all the time. No, you weren't. l need my brother back. l need my brother back. Where is he? Yeah, l'm glad you're back. That way l can do this. l miss my-- l miss my brother. He's so athletic.

{title:Graphic Novel} With my brave knight and my hello pony blankie, The faster we go, the safer I feel. Oh, sweet, shining alex, thou art the bomb. Right back at thou. Oops. You dropped your blankie, milady. Take it. It shall keep thee cozy. hey, justin. Why don't we invent an edible flaming sandwich for kids? because I think most kids like having their eyebrows. - Oh. - Halt! Who goes there? I shall never let danger touch milady. Not danger. Dorks. No one must know that I crush on thee. I'm sorry, knight, But I must bid thee Later. Literarium terrarium. I'm telling you, there has got to be a way To put something on fire in my mouth without it hurting. What are you doing in here? What does it look like I'm doing in here? Uh Trying to come up with an answer to the question I just asked. Ok, you got me. You win. Nice going. Heh-heh. We won. I feel pretty good about that. - She's up to something. - Yeah, we never win. * well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * that the end will no doubt justify the means * * you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * yes, please * * well, you might find out it'll go to your head * * when you write a report on a book you never read * * with a snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * that's what I said * * everything is not what it seems * * when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * you might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * because everything is not what it seems * * everything is not what it seems * * when you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * because everything is not * * what it seems * Alex, look! There's dean, that guy you like. Should I get you a bullhorn so you can announce it to the whole school? I don't want anyone to know. - Sorry, but I just don't know what you see in dean. He's dangerous. He gives temporary tattoos in the boys' bathroom! - Hey, dean. - What's up? So, I hear your temporary tattoo business has really taken off. Hey, joey, show her my portfolio. Bam! Hm. So, do you ever give those to cute girls? What cute girl are you thinking about? Harper. Uh, she's totally into it. We'll get back to you on that, ok? I don't care how much you have a crush on him. I'm not getting a temporary tattoo from dean! I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just panicked. What do you see in him, anyway? He had a mustache all summer! Alex, red alert. Gigi and the wannabes are heading this way. I can't believe it. It's after second period and I haven't humiliated anyone today. Look. Hey, everyone. Laura moloney is moving into andy hollenbeck's locker. They're totally going out. We're just lab partners. We're just lab partners? You are embarrassed to be going out with me. That's it. We're done. It's sick. It's like gigi gets a thrill out of humiliating people just 'cause they like someone. See? This is why no one can know I have a crush on dean. He doesn't have a bedtime! I'm sorry. You just say his name and these things pop up. Guess what, alex? We're having a sleepover at cindy's tonight. And like always, you're not invited. Gigi, how many times are you gonna not invite me to something Before you realize I don't care? Well, if you don't care so much, why did you crank call us last time? You can't prove that was me. Hey, justin, look what I found in the lair. Alex has a book with hundreds of drawings she made. That's lame. - Yeah. Almost as lame as that book you have With the pictures of that weather lady from channel nine. Her name is wendy leonard, and her forecasts are extremely accurate. You know what? Dude, this isn't a book. This is a magic journal. Alex has drawn herself an entire fairy tale world that she lives in! Dude, she uses the literarium terrarium spell to go inside of it! Wow. Look at all this embarrassing princess-y stuff. Who knew alex was such a girl? It is pretty shocking. Oh, my gosh. There's gigi. Oh, brother. I usually don't notice girls with soft, shiny hair, But it's like a field of gold up there. Ok, dude, whatever you do, don't show this to gigi. If alex didn't want us to see it, there's no way she wants gigi to see it. Justin. Hi, max. What you got there? It's alex's secret journal and pictures. She's created drawings. Look. Like I said, don't show it to gigi! But justin, we hate alex and gigi hates alex, So don't we want to give it to gigi? There's a difference between family hate and people hate. If someone in your family hates someone, you're supposed to, too. Oh, I get it. Then I hate pumpkin pie so you hate pumpkin pie. You know I love pumpkin pie! Max, could you carry my books for me? Yes! Can I brush your hair, too? Is that weird? Yeah. It is, actually. That's ok. I'll take my books back. Max, she just took alex's journal. Oh, did I? I see it right there, so I'm just gonna take it back. - I don't think that's a good idea. - Just hand it to me. - I'm popular so I can keep the book. - Voice is being raised. - I get everything I want. - Oh, whoa, max! I don't have my gym clothes on. Go get her! Literarium terrarium! I got the book back. - Now how are we gonna get her out of the book? Hey, I got the book back. Now you've got to start pulling some weight. Hello? Hello! Is anybody here? "alex's blankie?" Where am I? You're in alex's journal. I'm in alex's journal? Ok, I thought I was just reading alex's journal. - Right. You're reading alex's journal. I'm alex's teddy bear. Stay on the pathways, and if you see any stuffing that looks like this, it's mine. I'm so glad alex erased that dog. Ok, she has a teddy bear and a blankie? She's not as tough as she wants everyone to think. What else does she have in here? All her secrets. Oh, I'm so gonna keep reading. The school's gonna love hearing stories about alex That I don't have to make up. You know what I'd love? Some fiberfill. If you see alex, tell her to draw me some. And maybe a hot tub. Wouldn't you just get all wet and soggy? Hey, that's my problem. Just mention it to her. Hey, check out the wannabes. They're totally lost without gigi. Here's our chance to mess with them. Hey, guys, where's gigi? We don't know where gigi is. Oh. Well, she's probably off getting a jump on the new fashion trend Wearing shoes on your hands. And, uh, you guys should probably do it too, or she'll get mad. Oh, thanks, alex. For an enemy, you are a lifesaver. Just because we're enemies doesn't mean we don't care. Yeah, thanks. Gigi's also off getting her head shaved. Do with that what you will. Yeah, right. How do we get gigi out of the magic journal Without letting her know that there is a magic journal? Well, I've given this a lot of thought. Perfect. What do you got? That's it. - We gotta buy ourselves some time. - Yes, yes, um Where's a good hiding spot for the journal? - I got it. You know how dad can always stare into the fridge and never find the mustard bottle? He's, "we're out. I can't make a sandwich!" And then mom's like, " it's right in front of your eyes, jer." Oh, yeah, yes! So we'll use magic to turn alex's book into dad's squeezable mustard! No. We gotta hide the journal in plain sight. Aw, man, I was hoping we could use a spell like Like bookus mustardo. Alex always steers clear of a bookshelf, Plus, boom, it'll blend right in. She'll never know. I think that's alex. Act natural, act natural. Hey, guys. Did you notice that gigi left school early today? I kind of missed her. Especially in pe. We started dodgeball. And why is my journal on the bookshelf by the door? - How did you see that? - I knew it wouldn't work. Bookus mustardo! Bookus mustardo! Bookus mustardo! You guys are toast. My journal is for my eyes only. What do you know? That you have a crush on dean "the tattoo" moriarty. I do not! And that we accidentally trapped gigi in there. What? Gigi's in my journal? This is unbelievable. This is my worst nightmare. All of my secrets are there and now gigi's gonna know that I have a crush on dean. Knew it! Gigi hasn't talked to the knight who looks like dean so she doesn't know about my crush. I'm gonna go get her out before she meets him. - No, you can't. She'll tell everyone she was in a magical journal. They'll know we're wizards. - What do you want me to do, leave her there forever? No! No, just give me some time to figure out how to explain this to her when she gets out. Fine. I'll give you one day. In the meantime, nobody opens this book. As long as this book stays closed, everything in my fantasy world freezes. I won't let her find out any of my other secrets. - Like - Max, stop it! Listen Nobody's crying! Gigi must not be in school again! Well, something tells me her schedule must have been booked. That she's in a real binding. That she may be starting a new chapter in her life. Why are you talking like that? Oh, it's really clever if you knew. Hey! I mean That's good That you did what gigi wanted you to do. I didn't think they'd do it. Gigi also told me she wants you guys to wear yarn wigs. Yarn wigs? They exist. I can show you how to make them. Now, that one you're just making up. That's ridiculous. Gigi would never say that. She hates yarn. How can you hate yarn? I wear a lot of yarn. Then again, gigi hates me. It all makes sense now! Hey, justin, so I was looking at alex's journal - Where did yofind that? - She hid it in my hamper. - Genius. You never open that thing. - I know. I tripped over some clothes and I fell on it. Oh, quick. Alex is coming. Hide it in plain sight. Hey, guys, what's up? it's working. No, it's not working. What are you doing with my journal? I peeked. You opened it? That's what "peeked" means. Oh, no. Gigi's riding with my knight on his motorcycle. He has his helmet on. She doesn't know he looks like dean. Yeah, well, I'm gonna go in there and get her out before she finds out. - Literarium - No, alex, you can't. I haven't figured out how to keep her from exposing us. Yeah, well, gigi finding out about dean is worse than finding out about magic. - Really? - No, but it's important to me. Literarium terrarium. Ok, we gotta get going. We gotta keep her from exposing magic. Literarium terrarium. - No, alex, stop. What are you trying to do? - I'm trying to stop gigi. Here. Hold my veil. I don't want it to get caught in the catapult. - That was close. - It wasn't that close enough! Alex, as much as that was like, totally awesome Did you see that! It was like, swoosh! It's not the right way to deal with the situation. Well, I've got to stop her before she finds out I drew the knight to look like dean. Hey, I could joust her for him. Then, when I win, we could ride off in the sunset and she'll never know. Joust? - Yeah. I've got jousting stuff in the jousting shed. Oh. Your fantasy world involves a lot of sharp metal. - Oh, thank you. - Welcome. Ok. Let's take our mount and chase down that evil gigi Before she unveils the knight's true identity. - Hold on. - Onward, my loyal bros. What are you doing? - This is how I talk when I'm in my fantasy world. Oh, how awesome are thou and thee. See, this is why I never draw you here. - Oh, there she is! - drive faster! - I don't know the speed limit. - Well, it's faster than this. My teddy bear's about to pass us. Stop! Stop! My stuffing's caught in your chain. Pull over! Pull over, my unfair maiden, and hand me back my blankie! Oh, alex, your journal is so beautiful. - Thank you. - And revealing. I've seen your hello pony blanket, I've seen your teddy bear. I can't wait to see who the knight you're crushing on is. - No, you're not gonna see him. Because I challenge thou to a duel. A joust of sorts. Well, actually, it is a joust. Whoever knocks the other off her iron steed rides away with the knight, Sir lord of cuteness. Fine. Give me a lance and I'll joust you. I've got one for you. - And a helmet for safety. - Ow! Should have given you the shin guards first. We should move or we're gonna be shish-kabob. Are those the sticks with beef or the sticks with chicken? It's meat with a stick through it. - Oh. - Come on. Whoo! Yes! Whoo! It was great! Knight, knight! Let us ride off into the sunset. - Not before a kiss. - It's dean! It's dean! Alex has a crush on dean! What? That is not dean! Dean is a lot taller than that. And his eyes aren't even that color. Not just because I ran out of that color pencil, either. Dean's eyes are blue or blue-green, depending on the light. A beautiful blue-green. Ow! Something bit my toe. - Oh, those would be toe leeches. - Toe leeches? It's my book. They started out as smudges, but then I made them into something. Get me out of here! Oh, anything for you, my love. Literarium terrarium. What did you just do? - She wanted to get out. - Of the pond! She's gonna tell everyone that we're wizards. Forget about that. What about my crush on dean? You gotta get over this kid. He doesn't even have a library card! - Well, neither do I. - Yes, you do. I signed you up for on Oh, hey, gigi. The wannabes have been looking for you. Ah! Here it is. Alex's journal. That's alex's journal? You better not look in there. Welli already did, and I've seen everything. It's amazingly vivid. Gigi! Last thing you remembered, We were chasing after you to get alex's journal, When you fell and bumped your head. Boop! You were completely passed out, talking all kinds of nonsense About being trapped in a medieval world. But really you just had a horrible concussion. And you, you were there. And he was there. D I Was there. What? I thought I was just reading alex's journal And everything was totally vivid. That's exactly what I'm trying to say. - Gigi, give me back my journal. - No. Alex, you are so burned. Listen up, everyone. I found out at miss "too cool to care" alex Has a journal full of embarrassing secrets. - She's making this up. - No, she's telling the truth. What are you doing? - I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction. Ok, so gigi saw my journal. Where I draw pictures of myself living like a princess In a castle with my hello pony blankie, my teddy bear And a handsome knight who sure looks a little bit like dean. But it could have en anybody. Oh, no, it could not have. See? Alex has a crush on dean moriarty! Hey, I have a journal with secrets in it. I'll admit it. I like prending I'm a princess. But I'm also the kind of girl who wouldn't be caught dead at prom, Unless it was a zombie prom and we all dressed up like zombies. Oh, my gosh. I would so be on the committee for that. Bottom line, I'm hard to figure out. Deal with it. Yeah, and I have acrapbook with pictures of the weather lady from channel nine. Deal with that! Seriously, you should keep that to yourself, but thanks for trying. Ok, so from this point on, everybody in this school is done being humiliated by gigi. - Who's with me? Come on! - I am! This is still my school. Clear the halls. - Hi. - Sorry if I embarrassed you. Nope. I liked it. The way you drew me, I look pretty ripped. That's because you are ripped, dean, yeah! - Oh, yeah! Thanks, guys. Gigi thought it looked like you, but I'm not that great of an artist. I think you're pretty good, russo. - At drawing? If that's what you want to be talking about. Then, sure. Nicely done, alex. It always pays to be proud of who you are. I mean, that's what I do and everyone respects me for it. I respect you. I justamily hate you. I can live with that. You kinda have to. I know. I'm ready for my temporary tattoo. Just do it! Harper, I told you, you didn't have to do this if you didn't want to. No, I have to prove something to myself. I have to conquer my fear. Do it, dean, just do it. He plays video games with parental warnings! Oh, it's so cold. Get it off, get it off! No, come on, come on. Two more seconds, two more seconds. And we're done. Does it make me look too tough? I don't know. It's the first unicorn I've done. Nah, I think it looks good. Dean, you said I could have the unicorn!

{title:Wizards Exposed} - [all laughing] - Hey, guys. I made us a little something for our double date tonight. - Matching hats. - Sweet. We'll look like a group. Which is safer. That way we won't get beat up. We're just gonna get made fun of a lot. - They're lovely, Harper. - You don't have to agree with her. I'm your girlfriend, you agree with me. Harper, we are not wearing these things. Yeah, they're wretched. Let's go, Mason. Let's get you down to the department store and get you some free samples of body spray. No offense, but you kind of smell like a dog. Yeah, I get that a lot. Hey guys, take it easy. Zeke thinks Mason smells like a dog because he doesn't know that Mason actually is a dog. What's your excuse? - [alarms blare] - [helicopter hovering] Jerry, what's going on? I don't like this. I don't know. Let's get out of here. [all scream] This way! - [all scream] - Back! Good morning, Russo family. I'm Agent Lamwood from Well, I can't tell you because it's a secret department of the US government. We've had your family under surveillance for months. Oh no, Dad. They found out that our sodas are mostly ice. We know you're wizards. [scoffs nervously] Can I offer you some ice with a splash of soda? We can talk about how ridiculous that is. Not at $3.85 a cup you can't. - Take 'em away. - [Russos murmuring] [Max] I need to get a note for school! I know how much is in the register, and I expect it to be there when I get back! [Justin] What's the yellow tunnel for?! - [radio chatter fades] - [helicopter fades] I will not panic. I will not panic. I will not panic. [screaming] * Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze * * That the end will no doubt justify the means * * You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease * * Yes, please * But you might find out it'll go to your head * * When you write a report on a book you never read * * With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed * * That's what I said * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams * * You might run into trouble if you go to extremes * * Because everything is not what it seems * * Everything is not what it seems * * When you can have what you want by the simplest of means * * Be careful not to mess with the balance of things * * Because everything is not * What it seems * Gee, I wonder how they found out. Alex. Me? The government is always looking at nerds. They're either threats or recruits. Which one are you? Hmm?! - [mutters] - Everyone stop it. We need to stick together as a family. No one tell them anything. We don't want them to find out we're you-know-what's. What's a "uni-what?" Is it related to like a unicorn or something? Dad. I have my hidden mini-wand in my boot. I can get us out of here. Oh! Thank you for this toothpick, Alex. I had a little stuff stuck here. We don't want them to know we're wizards. There's cameras everywhere. [gags] I I think I just took care of it. Yep. Well, good luck with that on the b-side. Dad. What do you think they want with us? I don't know, but I hope they make it quick. I need to take a whiz Ards?! I think I heard enough. Welcome, wizards. I've brought you here so the US government can have a better understanding of how you creatures work. Creatures? Look, I know that Justin's funny looking, - but don't lump me in with him. - You can't keep us here. All right? People will miss us. Yeah. I have a double date later tonight, and my friend made hats. So when there's a hat with no head, they'll notice. No one's going to miss you. We make people disappear all the time. You don't hear anyone still talking about Len Goldfarb, do you? - Who? - Exactly. Now, if you'll just answer a few questions about being wizards, it'd be swell. How do you get your powers? [chuckles] The silent treatment. Now, I guess I'll have to interview you separately. Who wants to go first? OK, Max. You're up. No, I wasn't volunteering. I had a question. - What's your question? - Can I go first? There's got to be a wizard world telephone around here somewhere. Oh! OK, all right. Hello? Wizard world? Anyone? Oh! Duh. Hello? - [door closes] - [Mason] Alex? Where is everybody? I'm ready for our double date. There isn't going to be a double date. Someone took the Russos. I think they were from the government. Oh, my. I'll go find Professor Crumbs. He'll know what to do. Well, he might not, but at least I'll look like a hero for notifying him. Wait. What should I do while you're gone? Just stay here. That's what heroes say. I'll be back in a jiffy. What kind of a hero says, "jiffy?" Listen, Max We know you're the brains of the Russo operation. Well, thank you. I've heard "armpit" before, but never "brains." Scientist One, here, just has a few questions and you can be on your way. Hello, Max. First question: Is that your real body or does your wizard soul take over an existing body? Oh, that's a good question I think this is my real body. But I'm not too sure, though, I wasn't there when I was born. "Wasn't there when" Wait, I can't write that. They're gonna think I'm out of my mind! OK, look, wizard, we want to know how your powers work. Yeah. Is there a power core somewhere? Are the powers in your wand? Do you plug yourself in at night? Kind of. I have to use an electric blanket in the winter, 'cause it gets really cold at night. My dad doesn't like to turn on the heat. In fact, he makes us all gain a few pounds in the winter to keep heating costs down. "Wizards get fat in the winter." Don't write that down! That's what he said! He also said he was an armpit. OK, Alex, we know you're the brains of the Russo operation. Ah, flattery. The first step in basic interrogation. Why don't you try something else, noob. [laughs heartily] ha-choo. Are you hungry? Maybe you'd like a hamburger. Go ahead, have some. See, we're all friends here. So, is everyone in your family a wizard? [munching, slurping] You skipped a bunch of questions. Excuse me for trying to keep it fresh. Man, this little lady can eat. OK, you've eaten. Now tell us. Is everyone in your family a wizard? - [belches] - [groans] [laughing] Oh, I'm not telling you anything. Look, Justin, we know you're the real brains of the Russo operation. Ah, thanks. That's actually very true, because Look, I'm not telling you guys anything. We're all friends here. No need to get upset. Now, Scientist One, here, just has a few questions. Who knows what order they'll come in. Well, I'm not telling Scientist One anything. I demand to speak to someone else. Is there a Scientist Two or Three? Oh no, you don't want to talk to Scientist Number Three. If we need him to come in, it isn't gonna be much talking. Look, we know you're a smart kid. I'm gonna tell you something I didn't tell the others, because I didn't think they could handle it. The government has intercepted information that extraterrestrials are about to land on Earth. Extraterrestrials? [scoffs] Please. Those rumors have been circulating for years. Well, what about these satellite photos labeled "top secret?" [scoffs] "Top secret." Crop circles. Crop circles were made by a bored farmer. Give me a break. We think they might be targets. Targets? Are you serious? Yeah. At the last meeting, we decided they're targets. I wasn't at the last meeting. I had a thing with the kids. - So you didn't hear the tape? - [Scientist] What tape? Oh! We intercepted what sounds like some sort of alien communication. Now, we're not sure what they're saying, but we hope it's, "We come in peace." So So, you're saying you have actual tape of aliens communicating? [clears throat] Think I could give it a listen? - [exhales] - [phone beeps] [static and indistinct alien language] [gasps] This is an alien battle call. They're saying "Prepare to attack!" Oh, my gosh. This is worse than I thought. I know. I just got my car washed. Now, I'm not saying there are wizards, but if there were, and you were one, we could sure use that kind of help right now. Son, Earth needs defending. [raspy] Earth needs defending. [grunts] I never thought I'd be in a situation like this. - I'll help you guys. - You will? Oh! But mere mortals are no challenge for aliens. Well, I'm no mere mortal. - I'm a wizard. - [gasps] So here's what we're gonna have to do. Go to my Wizard's Lair so I can contact the wizard world for back-up. - Wizard world? Great. - Yes. Where's the Lair? We'll take you. It's hidden in our freezer at our restaurant. Justin, the US government thanks you. Someday the world will thank you. They might even throw you a parade. [inhales sharply] I love parades. Now, take this burger and go back to your family [inhales] hero. Sir. [clears throat] Sir. I'd just like to thank you for this opportunity to serve Earth. - I won't let you down. - I know. I brought us a hamburger. They gave Justin a hamburger. He must have rolled over. What did you tell them? Did you tell them we're you-know-whats? - [gasps] - Did they let you use the bathroom? Was it worth it? Look, look. Everything is gonna be OK. All right? I'm a hero. You're all going home. - [Jerry groans] - I'm staying behind to serve my country and fight the impending alien attack. "Impending alien attack?" What are you talking about? That's why we're here. They needed my help. They have an alien recording of a battle call that I translated for them. And you all laughed at me for Alien Language League but my skills came in handy here. You mean you translated something in a language that you and your weirdo friends made up? They had us under surveillance. They used that against you. No. It was real. It had static. I assure you guys, everything is gonna be OK. - [alarm] - [Lamwood on PA] Attention staff. We tricked the kid into admitting they're wizards. Big thank you for Justin Russo, everyone. - We don't have to stay late tonight. Let's go, everybody. - [people cheering] Hey, congratulations, man. They said your name. Go, go, go, go. OK, I admit I was tricked. I know this is bad, but there isn't much they could do with the small tidbits of information I gave him. Giving up the biggest secret of our lives is not a tidbit. It's the whole bit. Guys, check it out. This wall is crumbly. It's made out of coffee cake. The kind that has a lot of dirt in it. Guys, I bet you we can chip away at this air duct and get out of here. That's a great idea. All right. Everybody, we have to stick together. Into the air duct. I really hope this leads to the ladies' room. Hey, is it Is it just me, or is this shaft getting shaky? [all scream] We're out. I saved us. Close. We're still inside. And you did nothing. Oh, my gosh. They have other wizards. Professor Crumbs and Rudy Tootietootie. Professor Crumbs, what happened? They came for us. All of us. How'd they get into the wizard world? I don't know. It's the US government. They're pretty sneaky. But from what I understand, someone told Agent Lamwood about the wizard world. Now what kind of horrible person would do such a thing?! It might have come up. Well, they got in through someone's portal. That also came up. Professor Crumbs, do you have your wand? Can you get us out? I'm afraid not, Alex. Nobody has powers. Lamwood surprised us. He got a hold of the Wizard Power Cord - and yanked it out of the wall. - No powers? What do we do? Hidden in my beard is a single-use emergency spell generator. It has enough power for one spell. Is this it? A cootie catcher? Yes. Complete a turn to activate its power. You have ten seconds to cast a spell. Max, stand guard. Quick. Pick a color. - Chartreuse. - Pick a shorter color. - Red. - R-E-D. - Now pick an animal - I see you found your friends. Max, we told you to keep a look out. - For who? - Lamwood. Oh. [whispers] Lamwood's coming. - And I have a friend for you. - Mason! How did they catch you? Well, I was admiring myself in the mirror with this hat on when they snuck up behind me. How does someone sneak up behind you while you're looking in a mirror? Well, I was very much admiring my hat. We agreed that we weren't wearing these. Guards, take them away. - Max, give me a hand. - All right. Quick, pick an animal. Wolf, of course. W-O-L-F. Alex, do the spell already! Get us out of here. Edgebono Youtoosis. Edgebono Youtoosis. Edgebono Youtoosis. Oh, my gosh. They used wizardry. Run! Run, duplicate Russos, run! Get the Russos! How do we know which ones are real? [all] We're the real Russos! - [stammers] Just get all of them. - [Russos all shouting] This is gonna be a lot of paperwork. [indistinct shouting] Come on, everybody. Down here. Hey, me first. He's old. I have more to live for. - Relax, you're next. - Are you the real Alex? Yes, and I know you're the real Crumbs, because your beard stinks. Yes, indeed, you are the real Alex. Go and save your family, you don't have much time. - They've got almost all the Jerrys. - [Jerry] Hey! - Is that really what I look like from the back? - Yeah, you do. Yep, Jerrys are really easy to trick. Now go, go, go. I'll save the rest of the wizards. Hey Crumbs, when I said you were old and had nothing to live for, what I meant was is you're handsome and we're best friends. Now get me out of here. OK, OK! In here! In here! [duplicates shouting] We're the Russos! Those duplicates aren't going to keep them busy for very long. - [knocking] - Oh, I'll get it. - [all] No! - Wait! Wait! What if it's Alex? - Come. Follow me. Quick. - No. Everybody stay here. We're not falling for anything. Yeah. how do we know you're not, like, a duplicate Scientist One? Wait, wait, wait. These are just duplicates. I've got them. Go get the real Russos. - Now do you trust me? - OK, I trust you. I'm a duplicate. Now what? [muffled commotion] - OK. - [beeping] Here's the escape hatch. You can get out through here. [Alex laughing] Oh, there you guys are. What's going on? You're getting out of here. Lamwood is out of control. We're not even supposed to be studying wizards. We're supposed to be studying lizards. Come on! Come on, come on, come on. Hurry, hurry! He's coming! I did it. I saved us. We're home. Close. We're in the middle of the desert. And you did nothing. - Is everyone OK? - No. I let all of you down. I'm sorry. Hey, you thought you were saving the world. It's pretty hard to be mad at you for that. - Mason, you saved us. - No, I didn't. I know, I did, but I just wanted to give you a hug. What, are we just gonna leave everyone down there? - We gotta go rescue them. - [Theresa] How? If we go back, they'll catch us. What are we going to do? I don't know, honey. Let's get back to the Lair - and we'll figure it out. - We can't go home. They'll just come find us again. Look, if we're gonna save those wizards we're gonna have go to the authorities. And say what? That they've trapped a bunch of wizards? We'll expose magic. Well, maybe exposing magic is what we need to do. [thumping] [groans] Oh, good. You're still here. Whoo! [groans] Oh, man. How about that Scientist One? He turned out to be a pretty good guy. We're gonna try and grab some brunch when this all blows over. Is Professor Crumbs behind you? Nah. He's doing good down there. He set us all free. That old geezer is going crazy Yoda on them. Or I should say, "Going crazy Yoda on them, he is." That was just for you, Justin. OK, well, which way do we go? I'd have to say that way. Thanks, Max.

{title:Magic Unmasked} Alex, get ready! Justin and Zeke are coming. Ever since Zeke found out about magic he's been so annoying. Aww. Now, that's love. You think he just became annoying. Zeke, I just told you. Sometimes we use our wands, But sometimes we just wave our hands around. Why is that so hard to understand? Gosh, I love how wizardry plays by its own rules! Ok, is there, like, a special gland in your body that secretes magic? And sometimes it gets all clogged up, and you have to pop it, And magic goes everywhere? Eww. All right, I'm upstairs if anyone needs me. Ooh, I wonder if "upstairs" is code for somewhere wizard-y. It isn't. Oh, I wonder if "it isn't" is code for something wizard-y. It is. I knew it! Zeke, you have to try to be more like Harper. When she found out about wizards. Ok? She didn't have a hard time with it at all. That's true, but to be fair, my circus-like childhood. Makes the most bizarre things seem normal. I'm sorry, Justin. It's just that I have so many questions. For example, can you cook a hot dog by sticking it on a wand? - Zeke! - Can you use magic to turn me into an alien dog named Kevin? - Zeke! - Can you use magic to fix the hair. That sticks up on the back of my head? - Oh, wait, we're good today. - Zeke, enough! I'll make you a deal. If you stop bothering me. With all of these ridiculous questions, Then I will grant you one magic wish. - Really? - Yes. Ok, then I want to go back in time into last week, When I bought this shirt, to get a green one instead. - Sounds good. - Whoo! Yes! Oh, can you use magic to make me blow bubbles out of my? everything is not what it seems well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze that the end will no doubt justify the means you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease yes, please but you might find out it'll go to your head when you write a report on a book you never read with the snap of your fingers you can make your bed that's what I said everything is not what it seems when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams you might run into trouble if you go to extremes because everything is not what it seems be careful not to mess with the balance of things because everything is not what it seems Ok, mom. Talia and I are gonna go to the movies. Oh, really? What are you guys gonna see? A love story called heart of flowers. It's about two people who appear on the surface to be totally mismatched, Only to find out in the end they're perfect for one another. It really speaks to us. Listen, honey, I'm so sorry, but Max can't go. He's got chores to do. But, mom, I could just Shh, it's a chick flick. I'm trying to get you out of it. I know, and it promises to be very romantic, Which is perfect, because I love romantic things. Really? [Laughing] Sweetie, what is going on? You and talia have nothing in common. Mom, I have no idea what you're talking about. Come on, talia. We have to stop. And get tissues for when we cry at the end. The big ones, 'cause I'm feeling very fragile these days. You have raised a wonderful son, Mrs. Russo. Yeah. And when you see him, can you send him home? Dad, dad! Look who just walked in here! That's muy macho. That's, like, my favorite lucha wrestler of all time. Hey, you're right! He's one of your biggest heroes. Get him to sign some of these cups, and we'll sell 'em. Oh, I shouldn't! Hi, excuse me. You're muy macho, aren't you? - I'm, like, one of your biggest fans ever. - Oh, well, thank you! But you know, nobody really calls me muy macho anymore. What do they call you now? El destroyer-o? Or, muy bone-crusher-o? Obviously, I don't speak Spanish. No, you don't. No. They call me Bob. That's my name. Bob macho. I now own a successful shoe store. Maybe you've heard about it: "Bob macho's successful shoe store." What? No, no, no. You can't be a boring shoe salesman. You're one of the meanest, toughest luchadores of all time. I mean, I remember when you made chimi the changa eat his own beard. That was the old me. I've given all that up to be a more peaceful, constructive citizen. Why would you do that? Well, because of what happened to me ten years ago. Right in the middle of a match, I slipped on a churro. And I fell into the front row of the crowd, where a little girl unmasked me. It was the only fight I ever lost, And the most disgraceful moment of my career. Eh, so I retired. Could you excuse me for one second? - I can't believe this. - Me neither. I mean, what kind of careless parent. Lets his little girl go to a wrestling match? Dad, that careless parent was you, And that little girl was me. Don't you remember? Yeah! Get him! Ooh, ooh! My churro! Ay, no! Wow. And, to think, all these years, I've remembered that day as the time. When I let a perfectly good churro get away. Look, Mr. Macho, I'm so sorry. That that little girl robbed you of your true calling. Oh, you don't have to apologize. I love my job. Every time I fit someone's feet, I make ten new friends. Yeah, ok, look. I know that you don't know me, that we just met, And I know you say you're happy, but I think I know what's best for you. So, how would you like another shot at wrestling? - Well, I - Alex, what are you doing? Dad, muy macho lost everything because of me. I have to make it up to him. So Mr. Macho, what do you say? Do you want to taste victory again? Well Well, I I guess it could be fun. Although who would get into the ring with an old washed-up wrestler like me? - No, no, my dad will do it. - He will? Yes. Because he knows how much it means to his only daughter. No! - I'll buy you a churro. - Ok, I'll do it. Great! Then it's settled. The mighty muy macho. Will return to the ring, so that he can erase the awful shame. That has been haunting him for the past ten years. - What? I'm not ashamed - No Need to thank me. It's just the kind of special person that I am. Mmm. I hope I can find my lucha mask. - My dog's been wearing it as pants. - Ah. Great news, mom. Dad is gonna get in the ring with a famous luchador. What? Jerry! I go to the kitchen for five minutes. And you arrange a fight with a professional wrestler? You lose your breath while cheering for wrestling. You can be the beautiful ring girl. Really? You'll be fine, Jerry. Harper, there you are. Zeke, what are you doing here? You already graduated. I got a job as a crossing guard so I could be close to you. In case I freaked out and needed to talk. Let me guess, you're freaking out. Yes! It's this magic wish that Justin's giving me. I don't know what to wish for! Like, what if I wish to live forever, But then fall into a dried-up well. And no one knows where to find me? I can't live in a dried-up well forever, Harper! I just can't! Maybe you should wish for a less active imagination. Attention please. There's just been a traffic accident outside. Unacceptable! Apparently the crossing guard left his post. Honey, now you should be freaking out. You know, maybe Zeke's right. Having a wish would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. How come you never gave me one of those? Because you hate it when I do magic. Yeah, but that's because I never had the opportunity. - To use it selfishly. - Selfish? Aww, I'm such a good role model for you. All right. You can have one wish. Oh, my gosh, really? Oh, I wish I had more time to think of a good wish. No! That's not my wish! I really need to think about this. Wish me luck. No, no, no! That's not it either! Oh! Oh! No, no, no. You look really nice today, Max. I'm so glad I told you to wear that suit. I agree. You know, talia, I don't know what my mom was talking about. When she said we didn't have anything in common. I know. We have tons of things in common. - Our love of opera music. - Yes. - Brussel sprouts. - Yum! Architectural walking tours. Yay. You like whatever I like. It's why we work. How do we feel about video games? Oh, we frown upon them. I was afraid we would say that. I'm looking for the man they call Jerry russo! Hey, look, everybody, it's Bob! What a great costume! Stick a roll in it, sandwich maker! The name is muy macho! Alex, you were right. Apparently, I'm not happy being the owner of a very successful shoe store. I am, and always have been, a perfectly chiseled. Fighting machine with no conscience whatsoever! - Muy macho is back! - That's right! In the ring, reducing grown men. To sniveling shells of their former selves! Ok, just so you know, that means he's really angry. He just tore a phone book in half! I am not fighting him! I could get hurt. Dad, dad, if you don't fight him, he can't win. How am I gonna make up for what I did to him? But I will fight muy macho! Zeke, what in the world are you talking about? I'm talking about fulfilling a lifelong dream of mine: To fight a mexican wrestler. I also had one to become a professional magician, But we all know how that turned out. I will see you in the ring, kid. Where I will make you hurt worse than a bunion. That has resulted from ill-fitting shoes! You sure you know what you're doing, buddy? Yes, yes, he's sure. He said it, right? Thank you, Zeke. Ok? The match will go on as planned. Dad, don't worry, it'll be all good. 'cause see, muy macho will beat Zeke, my conscience will be clear, And I can get rid of this haunting flashback. No, stop it! I've decided on my wish. I want you to make me a great luchador. That nice man with the heavy accent. Will regret ever coming out of retirement! Why are you talking like that? This is my wrestler voice! I thought it was obvious. Oh, jeez! I don't know about this, Zeke. Fighting muy macho could be dangerous. Not with magic. I can't lose. Plus, I already got my cool wrestling name all picked out: Lava sus manos! That means "wash your hands." Oh, that makes sense. I read it on a sign in the men's bathroom. All right. If that is your wish, then you got it. Whoo! Thank you, my friend! Hey, guys! Are you coming to the lucha match tonight? I don't know if you've heard, but there's gonna be like. A really beautiful ring girl there. Oh, no way, I love lucha wrestling! - I know. - No, you don't, Max. It's barbaric. You're right, I never thought of it that way. It's barbaric. As you can tell, Mrs. Russo, Max and I are into cute things, Like making a snowman out of cotton balls. And dressing up kittens to look like famous people. - Uh-huh. - Really? That doesn't sound like you, Max. Is it true? No. No, it's not true. You know what? Talia, I can't do this anymore. I don't like chick flicks and I don't like opera music. And I only like dressing up kittens in little dog costumes. What are you saying? I'm saying my mom was right. We have nothing in common Whatsoever. We should probably break up. In fact, you should probably leave before you catch a glimpse of the real me, Because it's super gross. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, And welcome to tonight's main event! Making his triumphant return to the ring, We have the legendary luchador, muy macho! Alex, it is not in my character. To offer you a heartfelt thanks. For giving me this second chance. So, I will simply say I will not destroy you! Aww. That's what makes this all worthwhile. And in this corner, wearing a chicken costume. That doesn't match his name, We have the challenger, lava sus manos! Are you ready for some lucha wrestling? All right, Zeke, this is your one wish. Let's Make the best of it. Lucha ba boom! Well? How do you feel? I feel like lava sus manos is about to get his hands dirty! That's great. Justin, what's going on with Zeke? Why is he winning? I put a spell on him to make him a wrestler. That was his wish. What?! Smell your own foot, shoe salesman! Why did you convince me to do this, Alex? This is even more humiliating. Than being unmasked by a little girl! Don't worry, muy macho! I'm not gonna let you lose again! Lucha ba boom. But stronger! Oh Justin? What's going on?! I guess you should have asked to be an unbeatable luchador. Magic is very specific like that. Just Just get out of there! I can't! I need another wish! All I can give you is advice. Don't fight! Go limp! Go limp! It works for me! Hey, this is great, huh? Talia? What are you doing here? I came to apologize for the way I was treating you. And try to experience something you actually like for once. I'm having a lot of fun. This is just like that chick flick, heart of flowers. I'm the sloppy maid and you're the stuffy rich guy. In the end, we learn to appreciate each other's differences. And live the rest of our lives together in an old beach house. I'll always be your stuffy rich guy, Max. Aww. Oh, help! Come on, muy macho! Take him down! Oh, my gosh, Alex! I've finally figured out my one wish! World peace! Pretty good, huh? Yeah, yeah, Harper. That's great, ok? Here you go. Mommy! Oh, my gosh, Zeke's in trouble. Alex, you have to help him. I can't help him. Muy macho has to win. Why does muy macho have to win? It's a long story. Maybe this flashback will help you understand. Ay, no! You can show people your flashbacks? Yeah, I find it's quicker that way. Wasn't I cute back then? All right, I see your problem. But that doesn't change the fact that Zeke is getting destroyed up there. Ow! Going limp makes it worse! If you're not gonna help, I want to change my wish. Forget world peace. I want to beat muy macho senseless. For hurting my man. Harper, really? I mean Really, do you want to do that? World peace kinda sounds awesome. That is my wish! Do it now! Ok. Sorry, muy macho. Lucha ba boom, muy macho's doomed. - I'm coming, Zeke! - Hurry! One, two, three! We have a winner! And what's your wrestling name? Whatever the Spanish word is for "crazy, red-headed chick!" I can't be certain, Jerry, But I think all these people are cheering for me. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, muy macho. - I can't believe this happened again. - I know. I'm terrible. That scrawny kid and that girl beat me. I obviously have no business being a wrestler. No, I think you should try again. I think you can take that girl. No, Alex, I realized that I am perfectly happy. Being a successful shoe salesman. - So you're saying I actually helped you? - No! This was the worst experience of my life! I'll never forgive you, Alex russo. Never! Well You did what you could. You had the best intentions. Just forget about it. This was the worst experience of my life! I'll never forgive you, Alex russo. Never! Great. A new flashback.

{title:Magic Unmasked} Alex, get ready! Justin and Zeke are coming. Ever since Zeke found out about magic he's been so annoying. Aww. Now, that's love. You think he just became annoying. Zeke, I just told you. Sometimes we use our wands, But sometimes we just wave our hands around. Why is that so hard to understand? Gosh, I love how wizardry plays by its own rules! Ok, is there, like, a special gland in your body that secretes magic? And sometimes it gets all clogged up, and you have to pop it, And magic goes everywhere? Eww. All right, I'm upstairs if anyone needs me. Ooh, I wonder if "upstairs" is code for somewhere wizard-y. It isn't. Oh, I wonder if "it isn't" is code for something wizard-y. It is. I knew it! Zeke, you have to try to be more like Harper. When she found out about wizards. Ok? She didn't have a hard time with it at all. That's true, but to be fair, my circus-like childhood. Makes the most bizarre things seem normal. I'm sorry, Justin. It's just that I have so many questions. For example, can you cook a hot dog by sticking it on a wand? - Zeke! - Can you use magic to turn me into an alien dog named Kevin? - Zeke! - Can you use magic to fix the hair. That sticks up on the back of my head? - Oh, wait, we're good today. - Zeke, enough! I'll make you a deal. If you stop bothering me. With all of these ridiculous questions, Then I will grant you one magic wish. - Really? - Yes. Ok, then I want to go back in time into last week, When I bought this shirt, to get a green one instead. - Sounds good. - Whoo! Yes! Oh, can you use magic to make me blow bubbles out of my? everything is not what it seems well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze that the end will no doubt justify the means you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease yes, please but you might find out it'll go to your head when you write a report on a book you never read with the snap of your fingers you can make your bed that's what I said everything is not what it seems when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams you might run into trouble if you go to extremes because everything is not what it seems be careful not to mess with the balance of things because everything is not what it seems Ok, mom. Talia and I are gonna go to the movies. Oh, really? What are you guys gonna see? A love story called heart of flowers. It's about two people who appear on the surface to be totally mismatched, Only to find out in the end they're perfect for one another. It really speaks to us. Listen, honey, I'm so sorry, but Max can't go. He's got chores to do. But, mom, I could just Shh, it's a chick flick. I'm trying to get you out of it. I know, and it promises to be very romantic, Which is perfect, because I love romantic things. Really? [Laughing] Sweetie, what is going on? You and talia have nothing in common. Mom, I have no idea what you're talking about. Come on, talia. We have to stop. And get tissues for when we cry at the end. The big ones, 'cause I'm feeling very fragile these days. You have raised a wonderful son, Mrs. Russo. Yeah. And when you see him, can you send him home? Dad, dad! Look who just walked in here! That's muy macho. That's, like, my favorite lucha wrestler of all time. Hey, you're right! He's one of your biggest heroes. Get him to sign some of these cups, and we'll sell 'em. Oh, I shouldn't! Hi, excuse me. You're muy macho, aren't you? - I'm, like, one of your biggest fans ever. - Oh, well, thank you! But you know, nobody really calls me muy macho anymore. What do they call you now? El destroyer-o? Or, muy bone-crusher-o? Obviously, I don't speak Spanish. No, you don't. No. They call me Bob. That's my name. Bob macho. I now own a successful shoe store. Maybe you've heard about it: "Bob macho's successful shoe store." What? No, no, no. You can't be a boring shoe salesman. You're one of the meanest, toughest luchadores of all time. I mean, I remember when you made chimi the changa eat his own beard. That was the old me. I've given all that up to be a more peaceful, constructive citizen. Why would you do that? Well, because of what happened to me ten years ago. Right in the middle of a match, I slipped on a churro. And I fell into the front row of the crowd, where a little girl unmasked me. It was the only fight I ever lost, And the most disgraceful moment of my career. Eh, so I retired. Could you excuse me for one second? - I can't believe this. - Me neither. I mean, what kind of careless parent. Lets his little girl go to a wrestling match? Dad, that careless parent was you, And that little girl was me. Don't you remember? Yeah! Get him! Ooh, ooh! My churro! Ay, no! Wow. And, to think, all these years, I've remembered that day as the time. When I let a perfectly good churro get away. Look, Mr. Macho, I'm so sorry. That that little girl robbed you of your true calling. Oh, you don't have to apologize. I love my job. Every time I fit someone's feet, I make ten new friends. Yeah, ok, look. I know that you don't know me, that we just met, And I know you say you're happy, but I think I know what's best for you. So, how would you like another shot at wrestling? - Well, I - Alex, what are you doing? Dad, muy macho lost everything because of me. I have to make it up to him. So Mr. Macho, what do you say? Do you want to taste victory again? Well Well, I I guess it could be fun. Although who would get into the ring with an old washed-up wrestler like me? - No, no, my dad will do it. - He will? Yes. Because he knows how much it means to his only daughter. No! - I'll buy you a churro. - Ok, I'll do it. Great! Then it's settled. The mighty muy macho. Will return to the ring, so that he can erase the awful shame. That has been haunting him for the past ten years. - What? I'm not ashamed - No Need to thank me. It's just the kind of special person that I am. Mmm. I hope I can find my lucha mask. - My dog's been wearing it as pants. - Ah. Great news, mom. Dad is gonna get in the ring with a famous luchador. What? Jerry! I go to the kitchen for five minutes. And you arrange a fight with a professional wrestler? You lose your breath while cheering for wrestling. You can be the beautiful ring girl. Really? You'll be fine, Jerry. Harper, there you are. Zeke, what are you doing here? You already graduated. I got a job as a crossing guard so I could be close to you. In case I freaked out and needed to talk. Let me guess, you're freaking out. Yes! It's this magic wish that Justin's giving me. I don't know what to wish for! Like, what if I wish to live forever, But then fall into a dried-up well. And no one knows where to find me? I can't live in a dried-up well forever, Harper! I just can't! Maybe you should wish for a less active imagination. Attention please. There's just been a traffic accident outside. Unacceptable! Apparently the crossing guard left his post. Honey, now you should be freaking out. You know, maybe Zeke's right. Having a wish would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. How come you never gave me one of those? Because you hate it when I do magic. Yeah, but that's because I never had the opportunity. - To use it selfishly. - Selfish? Aww, I'm such a good role model for you. All right. You can have one wish. Oh, my gosh, really? Oh, I wish I had more time to think of a good wish. No! That's not my wish! I really need to think about this. Wish me luck. No, no, no! That's not it either! Oh! Oh! No, no, no. You look really nice today, Max. I'm so glad I told you to wear that suit. I agree. You know, talia, I don't know what my mom was talking about. When she said we didn't have anything in common. I know. We have tons of things in common. - Our love of opera music. - Yes. - Brussel sprouts. - Yum! Architectural walking tours. Yay. You like whatever I like. It's why we work. How do we feel about video games? Oh, we frown upon them. I was afraid we would say that. I'm looking for the man they call Jerry russo! Hey, look, everybody, it's Bob! What a great costume! Stick a roll in it, sandwich maker! The name is muy macho! Alex, you were right. Apparently, I'm not happy being the owner of a very successful shoe store. I am, and always have been, a perfectly chiseled. Fighting machine with no conscience whatsoever! - Muy macho is back! - That's right! In the ring, reducing grown men. To sniveling shells of their former selves! Ok, just so you know, that means he's really angry. He just tore a phone book in half! I am not fighting him! I could get hurt. Dad, dad, if you don't fight him, he can't win. How am I gonna make up for what I did to him? But I will fight muy macho! Zeke, what in the world are you talking about? I'm talking about fulfilling a lifelong dream of mine: To fight a mexican wrestler. I also had one to become a professional magician, But we all know how that turned out. I will see you in the ring, kid. Where I will make you hurt worse than a bunion. That has resulted from ill-fitting shoes! You sure you know what you're doing, buddy? Yes, yes, he's sure. He said it, right? Thank you, Zeke. Ok? The match will go on as planned. Dad, don't worry, it'll be all good. 'cause see, muy macho will beat Zeke, my conscience will be clear, And I can get rid of this haunting flashback. No, stop it! I've decided on my wish. I want you to make me a great luchador. That nice man with the heavy accent. Will regret ever coming out of retirement! Why are you talking like that? This is my wrestler voice! I thought it was obvious. Oh, jeez! I don't know about this, Zeke. Fighting muy macho could be dangerous. Not with magic. I can't lose. Plus, I already got my cool wrestling name all picked out: Lava sus manos! That means "wash your hands." Oh, that makes sense. I read it on a sign in the men's bathroom. All right. If that is your wish, then you got it. Whoo! Thank you, my friend! Hey, guys! Are you coming to the lucha match tonight? I don't know if you've heard, but there's gonna be like. A really beautiful ring girl there. Oh, no way, I love lucha wrestling! - I know. - No, you don't, Max. It's barbaric. You're right, I never thought of it that way. It's barbaric. As you can tell, Mrs. Russo, Max and I are into cute things, Like making a snowman out of cotton balls. And dressing up kittens to look like famous people. - Uh-huh. - Really? That doesn't sound like you, Max. Is it true? No. No, it's not true. You know what? Talia, I can't do this anymore. I don't like chick flicks and I don't like opera music. And I only like dressing up kittens in little dog costumes. What are you saying? I'm saying my mom was right. We have nothing in common Whatsoever. We should probably break up. In fact, you should probably leave before you catch a glimpse of the real me, Because it's super gross. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, And welcome to tonight's main event! Making his triumphant return to the ring, We have the legendary luchador, muy macho! Alex, it is not in my character. To offer you a heartfelt thanks. For giving me this second chance. So, I will simply say I will not destroy you! Aww. That's what makes this all worthwhile. And in this corner, wearing a chicken costume. That doesn't match his name, We have the challenger, lava sus manos! Are you ready for some lucha wrestling? All right, Zeke, this is your one wish. Let's Make the best of it. Lucha ba boom! Well? How do you feel? I feel like lava sus manos is about to get his hands dirty! That's great. Justin, what's going on with Zeke? Why is he winning? I put a spell on him to make him a wrestler. That was his wish. What?! Smell your own foot, shoe salesman! Why did you convince me to do this, Alex? This is even more humiliating. Than being unmasked by a little girl! Don't worry, muy macho! I'm not gonna let you lose again! Lucha ba boom. But stronger! Oh Justin? What's going on?! I guess you should have asked to be an unbeatable luchador. Magic is very specific like that. Just Just get out of there! I can't! I need another wish! All I can give you is advice. Don't fight! Go limp! Go limp! It works for me! Hey, this is great, huh? Talia? What are you doing here? I came to apologize for the way I was treating you. And try to experience something you actually like for once. I'm having a lot of fun. This is just like that chick flick, heart of flowers. I'm the sloppy maid and you're the stuffy rich guy. In the end, we learn to appreciate each other's differences. And live the rest of our lives together in an old beach house. I'll always be your stuffy rich guy, Max. Aww. Oh, help! Come on, muy macho! Take him down! Oh, my gosh, Alex! I've finally figured out my one wish! World peace! Pretty good, huh? Yeah, yeah, Harper. That's great, ok? Here you go. Mommy! Oh, my gosh, Zeke's in trouble. Alex, you have to help him. I can't help him. Muy macho has to win. Why does muy macho have to win? It's a long story. Maybe this flashback will help you understand. Ay, no! You can show people your flashbacks? Yeah, I find it's quicker that way. Wasn't I cute back then? All right, I see your problem. But that doesn't change the fact that Zeke is getting destroyed up there. Ow! Going limp makes it worse! If you're not gonna help, I want to change my wish. Forget world peace. I want to beat muy macho senseless. For hurting my man. Harper, really? I mean Really, do you want to do that? World peace kinda sounds awesome. That is my wish! Do it now! Ok. Sorry, muy macho. Lucha ba boom, muy macho's doomed. - I'm coming, Zeke! - Hurry! One, two, three! We have a winner! And what's your wrestling name? Whatever the Spanish word is for "crazy, red-headed chick!" I can't be certain, Jerry, But I think all these people are cheering for me. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, muy macho. - I can't believe this happened again. - I know. I'm terrible. That scrawny kid and that girl beat me. I obviously have no business being a wrestler. No, I think you should try again. I think you can take that girl. No, Alex, I realized that I am perfectly happy. Being a successful shoe salesman. - So you're saying I actually helped you? - No! This was the worst experience of my life! I'll never forgive you, Alex russo. Never! Well You did what you could. You had the best intentions. Just forget about it. This was the worst experience of my life! I'll never forgive you, Alex russo. Never! Great. A new flashback.

{title:Alex the Puppetmaster} Mom, Dad, great news. Since Harper and I graduated High School, we decided that we're ready to get our own apartment and move out! What do you think? I think they love it. - Oh, my goodness, let's start packing now. - Yeah! Wait a second! Did I hear you correctly? You graduated High School? Nice parenting! Listen, Alex You want to move out? I don't think you guys have thought this through. Doesn't matter. Because I have. I've actually been waiting for this moment for years. Here, check it out. Here's a blueprint of the house without Alex in it. Well, where's my room? Gone. I'm going to build my laboratory in it. Bonus, you can never move back in or visit. Alex, honey, moving out is a very big deal. For one thing, you're gonna need money, for things like food, rent Oh, come on, Alex and I agreed years ago that when we had enough money saved, we'd move out. - Right, Alex? - Yeah. What about utilities? Where are you gonna get the money for that? Oh, I just figured I'd take some from here. Those are utensils. Well, then I don't know what utilities are so I probably don't need 'em. Oh, really? So you don't need gas, heat, water, phone? You know, usually roommates share the cost of those things. Did you know about all that? Yes, Alex, I knew we'd need water. If you two can earn enough money to move out, that will prove how serious you are, and we'd be supportive. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you, thank you! Everything is not what it seems Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze That the end will no doubt justify the means You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please But you might find out it'll go to your head When you write a report on a book you never read With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed That's what I said Everything is not what it seems When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams You might run into trouble if you go to extremes Because everything is not what it seems Be careful not to mess with the balance of things Because everything is not What it seems Mom, Dad, Talia just told me her parents want to meet you guys so they can get a sense of my family. I can't even make sense of this family, how are they gonna do it? You know what's worse than meeting parents? Meeting the kind of parents that want to meet other parents. Yeah, you should just put 'em off for a little while. All right, I'll put 'em off for two hours. They're coming over for lunch. Oh, I hate meeting new people. But I do like lunch. It's There's I'm torn! Justin, I just heard your sister's moving out. Now we can take over her room. "Operation: Sister's Moving Out is in high gear. Ver Her Room" We're gonna have enough room moonscape biosphere! e I'm Harper's latest craft project, Venus Paloma. Harper, please stop playing with puppets. I'm trying to figure out a way to make money. All right, what do we have that people would pay for? That's a cute puppet. Are you doing a show? Hey, quiet, little girl! We're trying to think of a way we can make money. Sorry, but I just wanted to know where I can buy a ticket for the puppet show. Kid, please! Don't make me tell you again. Wait a minute! That puppet lovin' little girl just gave me an idea. We could make money by putting on a puppet show! That's a terrific idea! I'm ready to be a rock star! OK, then it's settled. You make another marionette, and I'll write a script about two oddball friends making their way in the world. OK, and we'll build the puppet stage to make sure you move out. All right, guys, Talia's parents are on their way up. So let me give you a tip, so you have plenty to talk about. - OK. - They love the Mets and they like going to the movie theater. Perfect. Your father and I love that stuff. That's why we get along so well. On Saturday afternoons, I go to a ball game, and your mom goes to a movie about feelings. All right, that's them. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson, welcome to our home. These are my parents, Theresa and Jerry. And these are my parents, Rob and Meg. - Oh, so nicto meet you. - Lovely to meet you. - Oh, come on in. - Hi. - How you doing? - Hi. Did you prep your parents? This is really important. Yeah, I told them your parents love the movies and the Mets. No! No, I said they like going to the Met. Short for "Metropolitan Opera House." And going to the theater for plays. Oh, OK. Uh, they're not prepped at all, then. So, Rob, Meg We love the Mets so much. How about you guys? We were just there on Saturday. Just a splendid production. Oh, when they beat the Phillies? What? Someone got beaten at the Metropolitan Opera House? No, no, I'm talking about the baseball team, the Mets. But if someone got beaten at the opera house Ha-ha! I actually might go. Uh To save them! My dad would go anywhere to save an opera lover. We go to the opera all the time. We place a ridiculously high value on education and cultural awareness. Yes, our family motto is, "The more you know it's still not enough." Obviously, the Russes care about learning, too. I mean, look how many books they have on reality show celebrities. See, the thing is, we really don't get to go to the opera often, 'cause, you know, we're too busy going to the movies. I have a feeling you can relate to that. Actually, no, we don't go to the movies. We prefer live theater. Well, we went to the theater once, But, you know, the show seemed to end, like, right in the middle of the story. I didn't get it. That was the intermission. You see Jerry, I told you there was more. You know? We don't think this is an intellectually stimulating environment for Talia. I don't even have to confer with my wife on this. Perhaps it's best that Max and Talia don't see each other anymore. Well hold on. You're saying we can't see each other anymore because what, my parents don't go to the opera house and they like the wrong kind of Mets? We also don't like your books. Talia, let's go. - Mom, Dad, please - Talia, let's go. Talia, I tried. Goodbye, Max. All right, sorry I'm late. I overslept and didn't have a chance to write the script. But I am well-rested so that is good. Excuse me? You didn't write the script? ÍDon't worry, Harper, we'll just wing it. Oh yeah, we'll just wing it. Yeah, you know, I made puppets, they made a stage. We all did what we said we were going to do, except for you. Don't you care about us moving out? Of course I do, Harper. They're just kids. They love anything you put in front of them. Look, we'll just be, like, "Hello, puppet. How are you?" You'll be, like, "Hello, puppet. I'm good, how are you?" Right? Not bad, huh, kids? Yeah? Sorry, kids. Show's canceled due to laziness. Aww - Wait a minute! - There's no show? Zeke, you need to do something, or we can kiss our plexi-dome moonscape biosphere goodbye. Hey, kids! Puppet shows are great, but you know what's better? Mimes! Whoa! Look, I can pull a rope! It goes on forever! Wow, how about a donation, folks, huh? Come on, put some money in the hat. Come on. Put your hat back on, mister. I'm not a "mister," I am in my late teens! Way to go, Alex. Once again, you've earned no money for our apartment. What are you so mad about, Harper? We'll just figure out another way to make money and move out. You don't get it, do you? If I can't rely on you for a simple puppet show, how could I ever rely on you for something more important, like sharing an apartment? I'm not moving out with you, Alex. I'm moving out on my own. Max, you all right? I'm just writing Talia's name on my arm in mustard. I really miss her. I'm sorry, man. Maybe I can help. OK, there's only one "L" and you need an "A" at the end. Thanks, man, but there's no point in me learning to spell her name now. Mom and Dad didn't make a good first impression when they met her parents. Yeah, of course they didn't. They don't im-press people, - they de-press people. - I just I just wish there was a way that they could meet all over again, you know? Hold on There is! You could use the "clean slate" spell, so Talia's parents don't remember meeting our parents. - Really? - Yes. Wow, you're usually not the one telling me to use magic to fix my problems. I know. But, I do know what it's like to have loved and lost a girl. Twice. And then another girl. And I don't want that to happen to you. Does the spell work through the phone? All spells work through the phone now. It's not 1991. All right, I'm calling the Robinsons. Rob Robinson speaking. Hj, um Is your wife in the room with you by any chance? Yes, she's in the middle of practicing her violin but I'd be happy to interrupt her. OK, do it now! Robinsons and Russes, clean the slate, meet again and change your fate! All right. Now I guess I just call back and invite the Robinsons over. Meg Robinson speaking. Hello, Meg. This is Theresa Russo, Max's mother. Ooh, hi, Mrs. Russo. Do you have a cold? You sound like a teenage boy. Thank you. Listen, why don't you guys come over around six tonight? Jerry and I think it's about time we met you guys. Ooh, I'd have to cancel my violin lesson Oh, I'll make sure that happens. We'll be there. Hello, Annie. I'm home. I bought us groceries for our new apartment. Cool. Just put 'em in the cooking room. These bags are heavy. - Can you help? - Sure, I'll help you. Whew, I'm exhausted! I'm gonna lay down and take a nap. But you didn't even help me. Well, you know how unreliable I am. I can't even carry my own weight. Yeah, that's why I'm a hero for just being friends with you. The end! Oh, thank you, guys. Thanks for coming to the show. Oh, I see it's allowance week, Jimmy. Thank you. That Annie didn't lift a finger. Right? - Hey, guys. - Harper, great show! Where did you come up with all these characters out of thin air? Annie really reminded me of somebody. Just Really, you couldn't tell that that was a thinly-veiled attack on Alex? I could tell. She reminded me of Alex! So you want us to meet the Robinsons all over? Wait, weren't we humiliated enough the first time? Dad, Talia is my first real girlfriend, all right? And you guys ruined it. You gave us terrible information. And you listened to me. Which some people would say is worse. Look, Justin did a spell so her parents don't remember any of it. What do you say? Come on, Ma, Jerry Wanna give this anotheshot? I don't think so, Max. Great, that's them. Let's do this! OK, fine. - Hi. - Hello. - Oh, hello. - Hi, I'm Meg Robinson. My husband, Rob. It's so nice to finally meet Max's parents. Yes, so nice to meet you, too. You know, we've talked about it so much, I feel like we've already met you. - Come on in. - Hello. Hi, Rob, I'm Jerry. Those calluses on my hands are not from me playing baseball, but they're from me rubbing my chin while thinking. Yes, um, my dad does a lot of thinking. He was on the thinking team back in college. You know what I'm thinking about right now? A book I'm reading about the Met. Not the baseball team, the Mets. I bet there's some culturally unaware people ãthat might confuse the two. Sometimes I have to force Jerry to stop reading about the Met before we go to the Met. We like the opera so much more than the movies. That's nice. What's your favorite opera? Her favorite opera is Winfrey. What? Opera Winfrey, Ma. You watch it every day. He's kidding. Ha-ha-ha! I have an idea. Let's all go see Wagner's The Ring. It's playing at the Met tonight. Oh, that would be wonderful! Pardon me for interrupting this great time, but is it OK if I still see your daughter? Absolutely. This is obviously a culturally stimulating environment for Talia. We haven't found anyone else's parents to be sophisticated enough to sit through 16 hours of The Ring. What? Sixteen hours? Yes. Ah, I wish it were longer, too. Oh this is gonna be a great evening! So fun! In 17 hours, I am so gonna get you. Harper is still out there making tons of money making fun of me. But I will say that that Annie has an undeniable charm. Alex, You need to make things right with Harper, so I can fulfill my dream and building a plexi-dome moonscape biosphere in your room. All right, where should I put the dual power generator? This is gonna be how we generate electricity in the biosphere. Hit it! See Alex, Zeke and I can work together. Why can't you and Harper? I can't breathe. Well, Harper and I don't need to work together. I'm going to do my own show and move out by myself. But you don't know how to make marionettes. Oh, yes I do. Turn this clever spell-caster into Alex, the puppet master. Oh, no! That sounds like a spell! Hey, I did not agree to be turned into a puppet! Oh, these lederhosen are way nicer than mine. It's showtime. Annie, it's time to get out of bed. I only get up on weekends! I'm gonna need a stage. Build a puppet stage to earn a hefty wage. Hey, everybody! Come check out this marionette show. You're gonna like it so much better. Lady, please help me. I'm being forced to do this against my will. Zeke! Just do the show, man. Do it for us. Do it for the plexi-dome moonscape biosphere. Now, come on, let's dance. The people love it. Come on. Dance, Zeke! Stop! Must resist the strings. Everybody stop! Don't go! There's more! Heather is about to accuse Annie of being selfish, irresponsible, and of stealing her audience. All right, we get it. Annie's the cool one. Justin, Zeke is resisting. JustJust turn him around and I'll kick him into helping. Oh, stop it! Stop! I am not stopping until you do the show! Stop, stop! Please stop! I'll do it. All right, I'll do it! - I'm out of here. - Zeke! I'm not your puppet! Zeke! What about our biosphere? Remote control marionettes. How 'bout that? Now that's a show! Pay her, Mom. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you so much. Congratulations, Alex. It looks like you're the one who gets to move out. It's the Annie and Heather Show. Yay! When we last left them, they were in the middle of an ugly argument about irresponsible Annie with a heart of gold. Look, Heather, I made tons of dough, so we can get an apartment. I'm not gonna move out without you. Aw, Annie, you're not perfect, but you usually come through after a bad situation. We're best friends forever. Seriously, we are. I know! But I can't wait for bad things to happen for you decide to do the right thing. I have to be able to count on you. That sounds like a warning, like we're gonna be living together. Promise you'll pull your own weight? - I promise. - And respect the chore chart? And Chore chart? - Only if you respect my sleeping chart. - No. All right, I didn't want to go through the trouble of making a chart anyway. It's a deal. They didn't see us, did they? No No. We've got our plan. What kind of language is that and how can everybody follow with? Hey! What's going on? You guys are supposed to be at the opera with Talia's parents. We snuck out! Yeah! We're gonna go upstairs, take a nap, and get something to eat then sneak back in. They'll never know. Don't you think that they'll notice when the light comes up for the mission? That's right. There's an intonation. Oh Jerry, we have to go back. Come on. I'm still gonna get you in 13 hours. Hi Talia. Oh it's kute. Clean that up.